Tuesday, February 28, 2012

What is wrong with Me!!!!!

When we started this whole IVF thing... I decided I was going to share it with the world. Good or bad... I wanted everyone I knew to know what I was going through. Do I regret that decision? Not in the slightest. It is interesting though, to see some of the things people say to me. I can't blame them... most have no idea what I'm thinking or what will make me feel better. The truth is... it hurts. Nothing that is said will make it better. All I really want to hear is "it sucks dude". I don't want to hear "it will happen when it is meant to be" or "things happen for a reason". When I hear that... all I think is "well why wasn't it meant to be RIGHT NOW"? And it makes me angry with myself. And it is still new. I'm not sure how long I'll be "upset" about it... but I know people think I should be over it already. Well.. I'm not. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not asking everyone to tip-toe around me. I just want people to think about me... and what they know about me. Think before you speak (write) to me or if it doesn't sound right... don't say it at all. If I don't respond to your email.. don't be offended... I'm just not in the mood. Yes, I'm being a selfish, spoiled, little brat. I will come out of it eventually... but right now it's all about trying to feel better about this. I am not happy... and I don't want to "act" happy just for the sake of being happy. What is that? Over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it. I can be happy and enjoy my friends. But then there are just days where I see lots of babies or ultrasounds in my newsfeed and I am like... why isn't that me? Is that completely selfish? I am not excited about the next step because I know it just means I will be losing more. THREE months ago... I was clueless. WE were clueless. We just thought "it will happen when it happens". And now... I know it will NEVER happen without the help of doctors. There won't be any miracles unless we are dishing out thousands of dollars to make them happen. How can so many decisions change in such a short amount of time? And now tomorrow... I will be requesting a surgery that removes any chance of those little miracles. I used to think the only way I'd ever request to have my tubes removed or tied was if I never wanted to have babies. Why would I want that? And now I have to do it if we want one. HA! Removing my woman-ness one tube at a time. Yes... I am ecstatic about that! I promise I'm not asking for sympathy here. I just whine and complain to get it out. It feels better to get it off my chest than to sit here thinking it in my head privately. Anyways... Giant Baby Out!

1 comment:

  1. Girl- I am glad to hear someone else say what I feel!! There are days that I do not even think about it- or think that I will be okay if it never happens. Then there are days that I do not want to leave my house or socialize with anyone. Not to mention- feeling happy for a friend but also wanting to crawl in bed and cry. It sucks- plain and simply.