Friday, July 27, 2012

Ready for change...

10 years ago I was on a mission to lose weight while John was deployed in Iraq.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  I followed a strict diet and did my workout program every day.  I wanted to get sexy for my John-o before he came back.  I even carried my workouts with me on vacation.  I lost 40 lbs. 

You look at me now and ask... how do you go back to living like this after you lost so much weight?  Trust me, it wasn't planned, and I wasn't happy about it.  John came home and I tried to stick to the program.  But it was too easy to go out to eat or skip a workout while he was home.  I'm not blaming it on him at all.  But here is the real truth.  Shortly after his return, we found out we were pregnant again.  It was a miracle baby.  We had been trying for about 4-5 years for this.  We were thrilled.  I even continued to do my workouts to keep my body as healthy as possible.  A couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed some spotting.  I went to the doctor and was told that I was probably having an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't believe it, and I fought to keep the pregnancy.  I kept coming back for blood tests every day to make sure my levels were normal.  But they were far from normal and it was a lost cause.  The doctor gave me the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy.  It didn't work and I was in the emergency room twice complaining of severe abdominal pain.  They kept saying I was fine and that I just needed to go home and get some rest.  I felt like I was dying.  I had John bring me back one more time because I knew something wasn't right.  But the doctors couldn't figure it out by ultrasound, so they decided to go in by laproscopy to assess the situation.  Come to find out, my tube had burst and I was bleeding a slow death (well... this is my conclusion from the excruciating pain I was feeling).  They had to cut me open along the old c-section scar to remove the pieces and clean up the mess.  When I woke up, John was over me and asked me if they spoke to me.  They hadn't yet, so he had to break the bad news to me that my tube was gone.  I was horrified.  All I could think of was that I could not have anymore babies because of it.  They didn't do a very good job of stitching me up because the wound got infected very quickly.  So they had to cut it open a little more to let it heal.  My recovery was not fast.  It took me months to heal, and even longer to come to terms with it.  I was depressed, and I gave up on workout out or eating right.  I became comfortable with my new way of living and I had no determination to get my body back.

Here I am world.  182 lbs.  I've been happy the last few years with my life.  I'm in Germany seeing the world.  I have an amazing husband who does anything to make me happy (even when he's gone).  I have a successful photography business.  And awesome friends.  The only thing that could make me happier would be getting pregnant.  But I've already written about that, so I won't talk more about it now.  Anyways, a few days ago I was photographing a friend.  She inspired me.  I don't know what it was... but something just "clicked".  I want that back.  I want my old body back.  I did it once before, why can't I do it again?  And I have 3 months until John comes for a visit.  The program I did last time was exactly 3 months.  I have to do it.  I know I have to do it for ME... but I want to do it for him too.  It's got to be hard watching your spouse slip away.  He hasn't changed in my eyes.  He's still just as sexy and attractive to me as the day I met him.  A little older, but that just makes him sexier to me.  So.. here I am starting my new journey.  I hope people can be supportive and understanding.  It was easier last time when I was cooped up in my house with no friends.  And I know there will be temptations this time around.  And I hope that my body takes to this new routine soon.  I'll report back in 30 days and let you all know how it's going ;)

Sunday, July 8, 2012

World Travelers...

What's new.  Lets see... I had my surgery, and we are taking a little break from IVF until after summer. I don't want to be depressed with that crap all summer.  I'd rather be spending it traveling with my "almost" TEENAGER!!!  J-boy went on his bi-annual field trip to the desert.  This one feels like it could go by much quicker than the last (for Aidan and I at least).  Not sure I can say the same for J.  He misses flying, and I don't blame him.  Who could be happy being a desk jockey for 6 months (or more)?  Waste of a good pilot if you ask me.  At least this gives him the opportunity to go back to school.  He's such a smarty too!

But ANYWAY....... 

Aidan and I are at it again.  Traveling, keeping busy, passing the time until he returns.  Last time it was a visit with the folks in AZ and a visit with my BFF in Hawaii.  This time we are at it alone.  No plans to visit friends or family... just to get to know this beautiful land.  It's so easy to hop in the car and drive 6 hours to Paris, or 5 hours to Italy.  Or even a cheap Ryan Air flight to some place I've never even heard of before.  Why not?  The only obstacle is kenneling the hunds.  But even that isn't very difficult.  Ok... maybe it could get expensive (Thankyou photography chump change!), but if we plan it just right we can see half of this place by the time he comes home and the other half when he is here.

Before John left we did Paris for block leave.  Amazingness.  I took a couple of girl trips without Aidan.  Poland to shop for Polish Pottery.  I loved the cute little B&B we stayed at (Blue Beetroot).  And a ladies trip to Amsterdam... love the canals there!  But Italy?!?!  Wow!  Aidan and I tackled the west coast all on our own.  I was so nervous about doing it... but we dove in head first and made a great adventure out of it.  We ate the most amazing pasta in Cinque Terre and road peddle boats in the Italian Riviera.   I've never seen water so clear as we saw on the Island of Sardinia.  Stintino was like a giant natural swimming pool.  We did the touristy things too... saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Leonardo Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in Milan.  I hope this kid remembers what an experience it was.  I know it would have been better had Dad been with us.  But there will be plenty more to see later.  I remember seeing the Grand Canyon when I was young.  I thought it was pretty cool... but I'm not sure I appreciated it as much as I would if I saw it now.  I am thankful to my parents for taking us to see it, and for the memories, but I don't remember having the goosebumps I get now when I see things like that.  I actually cried when I saw the Mona Lisa even though it was so much smaller than I had expected.  John laughed at me and the two of them got a kick out of joking on me about it later.  I can't help it.  I am a sentimental girl and yeah... i cry over spilled milk :P .  

We are home for a few weeks now... relaxing and giving the checkbook a break.  Doing a couple of sessions to help pay for our adventures.  But at the end of the month, we are off to Austria with a bunch of cool girls.  Aidan is excited to see the Salt mines in Salzburg.  And I'm excited to see Vienna!  I'm also hoping for a trip to Gran Canaria in August as a Happy Birthday to ME getaway.  We'll see though.  

That's pretty much that!  Counting down the days until my best friend returns... miss him madly.