Friday, July 27, 2012

Ready for change...

10 years ago I was on a mission to lose weight while John was deployed in Iraq.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  I followed a strict diet and did my workout program every day.  I wanted to get sexy for my John-o before he came back.  I even carried my workouts with me on vacation.  I lost 40 lbs. 

You look at me now and ask... how do you go back to living like this after you lost so much weight?  Trust me, it wasn't planned, and I wasn't happy about it.  John came home and I tried to stick to the program.  But it was too easy to go out to eat or skip a workout while he was home.  I'm not blaming it on him at all.  But here is the real truth.  Shortly after his return, we found out we were pregnant again.  It was a miracle baby.  We had been trying for about 4-5 years for this.  We were thrilled.  I even continued to do my workouts to keep my body as healthy as possible.  A couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed some spotting.  I went to the doctor and was told that I was probably having an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't believe it, and I fought to keep the pregnancy.  I kept coming back for blood tests every day to make sure my levels were normal.  But they were far from normal and it was a lost cause.  The doctor gave me the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy.  It didn't work and I was in the emergency room twice complaining of severe abdominal pain.  They kept saying I was fine and that I just needed to go home and get some rest.  I felt like I was dying.  I had John bring me back one more time because I knew something wasn't right.  But the doctors couldn't figure it out by ultrasound, so they decided to go in by laproscopy to assess the situation.  Come to find out, my tube had burst and I was bleeding a slow death (well... this is my conclusion from the excruciating pain I was feeling).  They had to cut me open along the old c-section scar to remove the pieces and clean up the mess.  When I woke up, John was over me and asked me if they spoke to me.  They hadn't yet, so he had to break the bad news to me that my tube was gone.  I was horrified.  All I could think of was that I could not have anymore babies because of it.  They didn't do a very good job of stitching me up because the wound got infected very quickly.  So they had to cut it open a little more to let it heal.  My recovery was not fast.  It took me months to heal, and even longer to come to terms with it.  I was depressed, and I gave up on workout out or eating right.  I became comfortable with my new way of living and I had no determination to get my body back.

Here I am world.  182 lbs.  I've been happy the last few years with my life.  I'm in Germany seeing the world.  I have an amazing husband who does anything to make me happy (even when he's gone).  I have a successful photography business.  And awesome friends.  The only thing that could make me happier would be getting pregnant.  But I've already written about that, so I won't talk more about it now.  Anyways, a few days ago I was photographing a friend.  She inspired me.  I don't know what it was... but something just "clicked".  I want that back.  I want my old body back.  I did it once before, why can't I do it again?  And I have 3 months until John comes for a visit.  The program I did last time was exactly 3 months.  I have to do it.  I know I have to do it for ME... but I want to do it for him too.  It's got to be hard watching your spouse slip away.  He hasn't changed in my eyes.  He's still just as sexy and attractive to me as the day I met him.  A little older, but that just makes him sexier to me.  So.. here I am starting my new journey.  I hope people can be supportive and understanding.  It was easier last time when I was cooped up in my house with no friends.  And I know there will be temptations this time around.  And I hope that my body takes to this new routine soon.  I'll report back in 30 days and let you all know how it's going ;)