Thursday, June 19, 2014

One more time???

At the moment, this has been THE most difficult 2 weeks of my life.  I went from planning a new baby, to planning the rest of my life without ever having a new baby, to possibly trying one more time.  I'm learning that my husband just can not stand to see me unhappy.  He is willing to give me anything I want just to keep me from crying.  I've cried myself to sleep in his arms almost every night since we got our bad news.  I've been fighting so hard to accept that this was the end of the road for us, but it's so much harder than I expected.  I wanted A to have a sibling.  I know it's late but I still wanted it for him.  I wanted John to experience the milestones that he missed out on while being deployed so many damn times during A's childhood.  My heart breaks for my son.  He has struggled so much with his daddy being gone so much.  I just can't always fill those father shoes for him.  I can only hope the time in between has made up for it.  I wanted to have my husband with me while I carried our child, while we watched his milestones together.  He has missed so much.  And I know there are worse situations, but I can't control the hurt.  I can't make the yearning go away.  We wanted more.  Yes we are happy with the ONE we have, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept not being able to have another.  I am so tired of responding to that remark.  Secondary infertility is painful too.

And so with this our journey WILL continue..  The next thing we will try is immune testing.  I've had this feeling that my body is just killing the embryos as soon as they enter.  Little did I know, this is a real issue and has caused many woman multiple implantation failures and miscarriage.  We will test to find out if this is affecting us, but also work on improving embryo quality.  3-6 months is our new projected timeline.  But first we are on the hunt for a new clinic that provides these types of testing.  Turkey is on the top of the list!  Thankyou for your continued prayers and support.

Monday, June 16, 2014


Well.  That last round was a bust too.  I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to accept it and move on.  But the heart wants what it wants.  I'm not really sure how or when my mind will say enough is enough.  I tried doing other things to distract me from the reality, but it's just not working.  I find myself crying in the middle of a park full of people pushing strollers.  I know John is frustrated with me.  He keeps telling me to let it go, but I just don't know how.  How do you give up on a dream?  How do you just let something go that you've wanted all your life?  People keep telling me to be grateful for what I have in my life...a son and an amazing husband.  I promise you that I am beyond grateful that I have these boys in my life.  But it does not take away my need to be a mommy again.  I am so overwhelmed with sadness right now and just can't see the end of the tunnel yet.  I need some time...and some space to learn how to accept this.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Again with the waiting.

Woke up super early Wed morning to drive up to Nurnberg for the transfer.  Met with the embryologist first who showed us our 2 embryos to be transferred.  She started off by saying "Today we have 2 beautiful embryos to be transferred".  I liked the word beautiful so I got excited.  She told us that one had progressed to a full Blastocyst.  We've never had a blast before.  The 2nd embryo was a morula.  I asked if it was a better quality morula than last time and she said yes.  The assisted hatching was performed the day before and she showed me pictures of what they looked like after the hatching, but I can't recall what they looked like.  In hindsight, I wish I'd asked to keep those pictures as well.

The doctor came in and asked if I had any questions.  I just kept asking if these embryos were better than last time.  He said yes and that the blastocyst had a very high chance of implanting.  So I'm crossing my fingers so hard!  This was John's very first embryo transfer.  He couldn't make it to the first two, so I'm hoping he was a little good luck charm.  I think the father should be present during this procedure for it to work don't you?  We saw the little specs on the monitor and watched as they sucked them up into the catheter.  John held my hand while the doctor placed them inside my uterus.  And we were left to rest for 10 minutes on the chair.

Here we are 4 days past 5 day transfer.  My hopes are dwindling.  The unknown is scary and I'm feeling quite negative about it.  I know it's just a defense of mine to prepare myself for a negative outcome, but I just can't help myself.  John wants me to be more positive.  But really... this is our 3rd IVF and one that was cancelled mid cycle.  I'm finding it really hard to believe that it would actually work for us.

As far as symptoms go, I've had some minor cramping on and off since the day after and sore BB's.  But I had that last time too and I contributed it to the progesterone.  This time I've added a 3 shots of Brevactid (hcg).  I had my last shot of it this morning, so it won't be out of my system for a few days.  The doctor said I could take a home test on Friday, but I'm worried that will be too early with the hcg still in my system from the shot.  We also have Rock Im Park tickets for the whole weekend... so if it's bad news, I just know I won't be the best company to my sweet husband.  Decisions, decisions :/