Parking Lot Decisions...

Today was supposed to be a great day.  I went in there hoping for my 15 fluffy follicles to find out we lost a few soldiers in the battle.  How does that happen????  We went from 7 to 5.  Ok... 5 sounds like a good number to work with right?  But in the questionable world of IVF/ICSI... it's a really poor number.  During egg retrieval we would more than likely lose at least half of that.  On our last round, we went into retrieval day with 8.  Even then, I had doubts about going through with it in fear of not having enough eggs.  We ended up with only 4 eggs... 3 that fertilized and NONE to freeze.  This time, Dr. V did suggest we continue this weekend with our shots and check again on Monday.  But... he's not the one spending the money.  We sat in the car in front of the Apotheke trying to figure out what we should do.  My heart was telling me 5 just isn't enough.  We flipped a coin a few times, but it kept saying we should continue.  But, if we continue with the shots, we'd have to go into that Apotheke and spend another 600 euro on top of the 1400 we've already spent on shots.  That's ALOT of money to throw away when your heart is telling you NO.  I didn't listen to my heart last time... and where did that get me?  Right here where I am now.  So we decided, in the parking lot, to throw out those prescriptions and go back into the office to let them know we are canceling this round.  I was given 2 more prescriptions to cancel the cycle and we must wait for my new "cycle" to start again.  Alles Gute.  I'm having my cry today... but I'm looking forward to enjoying Oktoberfest this year with my husband.. and a visit from his Aunt and Uncle.  Maybe next time :)

What IF????

Today we are on Day 8 of hormone shots and stimming.  On Monday we went in to check on the follies.  After 4 shots... we had 7 growing.  I was super excited about that number, but my Dr. seemed a  little bit disappointed :/.  He wanted to see at least 10 by then.  So he prescribed me a second shot- menopur.  The rest of the day went great!  I had my first acupuncture, and positive vibes surrounded me.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling FAT.  My stomach expanded overnight and hasn't gone down since.  My mood has gone from happy and bubbly... to blah and run down.  I'm blaming it on the second shot for sure!  I haven't done much this week at all.  But it has definitely been relaxing.  And I guess that's what my body wants and needs for these follicles to grow.  Tomorrow we'll go back in to check on them.  The Dr. wants around 14 follicles before retrieval day.  So I'm hoping, hoping, hoping all this tiredness and bloating is because there are FIFTEEN!!!!  Please let there be fifteen!!!!!!  I can't say the negative energy hasn't started to sneak back into my thoughts... because it has.  I keep questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing spending this money.  It's so much harder to wrap my head around now that Tricare isn't involved in an ounce of the treatments.  I'm angry that they took it away!  And even angrier it didn't work last time when some of it was covered.  I just keep thinking 10k down the drain?  What if!  But then again... what if we get our babies and my dream of having twins comes true.  It WILL be worth it!  I guess there is no sense worrying about things that I have no control over... but I just can't help it.  I don't want to be an empty nester when I'm 38.  I'm not done being a mommy!  I was on Pinterest the other day and saw someone I was following posting all these cute little lunchbox ideas.  Silly... but it really got me excited!  Cute little animal cut outs made of cheese!  Sandwiches shaped like airplanes!  Apple slices and blueberries made into an American Flag!  I turned to Aidan and said... would you be embarrassed if I made you a lunch like this?  He just shook his head and said... um... YES!  All of the fun kiddie things are over with him.  I know there are a lot more things to come... but I'm just not done with the fun kiddie things... and I want to do it again.  Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

35 is going to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

At least I can hope!  My 30's have been my best years so far.  I have my boys (although a pain in the ass sometimes) who love me.  My business that rocks!  We live in Germany... and my Husband is HOME this year!  So I decided to celebrate in style!  I had been planning this circus styled shoot for a while and what better day than to shoot it on my Birthday!!!  It was amazing.  Everything turned out better than I had imagined.  It went from a field to a super cool barn in just a few short weeks!  J built a swing to hang from the rafters and my friend E helped hang the curtains and translate for me with the barn owner.  C did such an awesome job with hair and makeup, and the models were beautiful!  I got a little nervous when the first model was almost done with hair and makeup... that I started to panic and rush them.  As I was heading out, Aidan came home with his new ROTC uniform and told me he did not get promoted today.  I felt sad for him and went to console him.  Then he showed me his tab!  He DID get promoted to PVT!!  What a little jokester.  I was so excited that I actually cried.  Maybe it was the hormones from receiving probably the best birthday present ever (IVF to commence the next day), or the excitement from the day... but I couldn't contain myself.  I found J on the front steps and cried some more.  Haha!

We arrived at the barn and dumped my car full of props and arranged them.  They went so well with the curtains!  I got all giddy and happy!  We popped a second bottle of champagne before starting and toasted to what would be my most favorite shoot ever!  Everyone left J and I alone to work.  I had a few duh moments with posing, but J rocked it out!  The second model arrived and everyone else followed (including the German boys who wanted to watch the commotion).  We had a blast!  When it was over, we disassembled the barn and tried to put all of his things back to where they were when we came in.  With everyones help it took only 20 minutes!  I added up the costs of the shoot, and I believe I spent maybe about $400-$500 on everything.  Totally worth it!  Then we sat down and enjoyed an awesome dinner prepared by E and a cake made by my boys!

The day went perfectly even though I woke up feeling defeated and discouraged.  The one thing I needed to happen before starting IVF again was 3 days overdue.  I never thought I'd be so happy to see her later that morning and my mood changed so quickly when she did!  Such a weird thing to be excited about... but I embraced every cramp knowing we'd get to start the whole process the following day!

On Thursday, I made the one hour trip to Erlangen alone.  J had to fly, and I was not waiting until Friday to get this thing started!  The Dr. did an ultrasound and said the lining was thin enough to begin my Puregon injections.  He started me on a much higher dose than last time- 225 ie's per day!  He says he would like to see at least 12 follicles this time but 20 would be overstimulating.  It's funny... but the day after my first shot, I could feel little twinges in my ovaries.  I know that means they are growing!  I've always been able to tell when I'm ovulating... but last time I didn't remember feeling these twinges until much later.  I am super excited and nervous to see what he has to say on Monday when we go back in!  Hoping for at least 5 follicles by then... but I know some take longer to show up.

This is our time.  We are ready for our babies... and I will have them when I'm 35.  35 is going to be fantastic!  Or at least I hope!!!

Loved

Now that the word is out and everyone knows what is going on, I'm getting a lot of beautiful emails, words of encouragement, and virtual hugs.  I appreciate every one of you.  It is a relief off my shoulders to know that people understand what we're going through.  And this is exactly why I decided to announce it.  I did put it out there to my clients as well... and that may have been a little awkward in the moment.  BUT... for me, I'd rather them know than ask questions about my flakiness during this time.  I was feeling guilty turning away sessions with just a quick response of "I'm taking some time off".  Especially since I've taken so much time off the last 5 months with J being home.  I know, I know... no one needs an explanation about my private life.  But, this was a step I felt I needed to relieve a little more stress so I can focus on babies and only babies.  So I have no doubts about doing it :).

Now that you know!  Here are a couple of things to know about my feelings towards the subject and things you can do to help!

     Ask questions if you want to!  Don't be shy!  Or feel like you're being nosey.  I love talking about it and explaining the details of the procedure.  It's exciting and amazing!  And crazy that we can even do this!

     This one is tough, because I know you all want to help and give suggestions.  And I do appreciate that you are thinking about me and wanting this to actually work this time!!!  But you have to remember, this is not our first time.  We've been going through secondary infertility for about 13 years now.  I've done my research, and I have a few girls that I ask questions to if I need to that are extremely helpful (Love my Dr. V's girls).  One who even had our same problem with the tube.  So she is my light at the end of the tunnel.  Thankyou babe... you know who you are ;).  So if you want to reach out to me... just tell me you're thinking of me... no need to give advice.  I promise you I've probably already heard it.  Sorry :/  I know that sounds ungrateful... and that's not how it's meant.

     Give me some time to process your messages.  I might "see" your message on facebook and not reply.  But I promise I'm not ignoring you.  There are just so many, and I feel like I don't have the words to reply without sending off an automated response.  I want to give each of you a nice reply, but I am just not that eloquent with words.  And I don't want to diminish your beautiful message by just saying "Thankyou".


Anyways... just a few thoughts I had this morning that I thought I'd share.  I feel loved and blessed today.  Off to my acupuncture consult!  Yay!

  

I'm ready!!!!!!

I'm slacking.  I haven't blogged in several months.  I haven't caught you all up on the adventures we've had (and there have been many since my beau returned- Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Belgium, Spain, France, Switzerland... seriously... who's life is this????).  These past 5 months have just slipped on by! But if you follow me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen all of the pictures... so lets call it even :).

But here's what I want to talk about tonight.  We've been putting it off.  It's been about a year and a half since our last round of fertility CRAP (that failed).  But we're ready now.  We are tube free... yup... only a uterus to work with.  We made the huge decision to remove it last year.  Sex for procreation?  Um... not this girl.  The only sex we're gonna have is for fun!  Hehe!  But on the serious side... it really was a tough decision to make.  It meant we can never expect a miracle.  Removing the tube meant we will never make a baby on our own.  I felt like I was lost from the world... lost my "womanhood".  But... on the other hand... that left over tube was hindering us from our want for more children.  I blame the failed IVF on that stupid tube.  I was scared to start again, but we finally have a gap of time that we can dedicate to my little ole womb.

I wanted to keep it private this time.  It was so hard to tell people that it didn't work last time.  It hurt so much to say "Nope... no baby this time".  And to hear people say "Be grateful you already have one child".  Hello???!!!???  What exactly are you saying?  I'm not grateful for having A?  Of course I am dummy!  I love that kid more than anything in this world!  But... it doesn't lessen my pain of wanting another child.  Time is slipping away.  He'll be graduating in a few years and I'm just not done being a mommy yet!  And J didn't have enough time being a daddy.  Shit... he was practically gone for half of it!  I see that little glimmer in his eye when we talk about having another baby.  I was ok with this being over.  But he insisted on one more round.  "Just one more try" he said.  So... no matter how much it costs (thank you Tricare)... I want to give this to him.   I want to give it to myself!  I want to give it to A.  He needs a sibling.  And we need a baby darn it!

So today we started!  Day 15 of our cycle.  We did a "scratching" procedure which is supposed to help the embryos stick when it's time for embryo transfer.  I had my depot shot and should start the next cycle in about 8 days... according to the nurse.  From there we stimulate the eggies!  We couldn't be more excited.  I can't stop thinking about our little babies.  And John randomly interjects with name suggestions... and how they are all going to be boys.  ALL???  Apparently we are having twin or triplet boys. This is just today.  Tomorrow I might be a mess.  Who knows.