Monday, August 12, 2013

I'm ready!!!!!!

I'm slacking.  I haven't blogged in several months.  I haven't caught you all up on the adventures we've had (and there have been many since my beau returned- Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Belgium, Spain, France, Switzerland... seriously... who's life is this????).  These past 5 months have just slipped on by! But if you follow me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen all of the pictures... so lets call it even :).

But here's what I want to talk about tonight.  We've been putting it off.  It's been about a year and a half since our last round of fertility CRAP (that failed).  But we're ready now.  We are tube free... yup... only a uterus to work with.  We made the huge decision to remove it last year.  Sex for procreation?  Um... not this girl.  The only sex we're gonna have is for fun!  Hehe!  But on the serious side... it really was a tough decision to make.  It meant we can never expect a miracle.  Removing the tube meant we will never make a baby on our own.  I felt like I was lost from the world... lost my "womanhood".  But... on the other hand... that left over tube was hindering us from our want for more children.  I blame the failed IVF on that stupid tube.  I was scared to start again, but we finally have a gap of time that we can dedicate to my little ole womb.

I wanted to keep it private this time.  It was so hard to tell people that it didn't work last time.  It hurt so much to say "Nope... no baby this time".  And to hear people say "Be grateful you already have one child".  Hello???!!!???  What exactly are you saying?  I'm not grateful for having A?  Of course I am dummy!  I love that kid more than anything in this world!  But... it doesn't lessen my pain of wanting another child.  Time is slipping away.  He'll be graduating in a few years and I'm just not done being a mommy yet!  And J didn't have enough time being a daddy.  Shit... he was practically gone for half of it!  I see that little glimmer in his eye when we talk about having another baby.  I was ok with this being over.  But he insisted on one more round.  "Just one more try" he said.  So... no matter how much it costs (thank you Tricare)... I want to give this to him.   I want to give it to myself!  I want to give it to A.  He needs a sibling.  And we need a baby darn it!

So today we started!  Day 15 of our cycle.  We did a "scratching" procedure which is supposed to help the embryos stick when it's time for embryo transfer.  I had my depot shot and should start the next cycle in about 8 days... according to the nurse.  From there we stimulate the eggies!  We couldn't be more excited.  I can't stop thinking about our little babies.  And John randomly interjects with name suggestions... and how they are all going to be boys.  ALL???  Apparently we are having twin or triplet boys. This is just today.  Tomorrow I might be a mess.  Who knows.  

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