My Heart is smiling :)

I'm not sure if this is rebound happy or what... but I feel pretty good today.  I woke up ready to conquer our infertility.  I want to slap that B* in the face!  She can't knock me down and expect me not to get back up ready to fight even harder!  So I made my plans, and I'm getting more things "checked out" before our next try.  Things I hadn't even thought about until now and wondered why the doctors hadn't suggested it in the first place.  We have learned something new with each round.  Mainly because I've done more googling than I care to admit.  I've even planned a way to fund it all!  I'm so excited about how many responded to my Mini Session Event in April.  If everyone shows up, I should be able to make more than half of what I need.  It's lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I just hope I can handle this many clients in one weekend!

So anyways... I brushed myself off this morning and hopped off to Nurnberg with D for lunch and a quick stop at the Apotheke.  I was hoping to be refunded the taxes I paid for my medications.  They'd never seen our VAT forms though... so I have to wait a little while.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into another battle because I will go to my old pharmacy next time if that is the case.  If you don't live in Germany... you might not know that taxes here are insane!!!  19%!!!  If we calculated correctly, I should be able to get about 300 euro back.  Anyways, that's all.  I just wanted you all to know that I am in a happy place... you don't have to put a 24 hour watch on me :).  We are doing fine... and we appreciate all of your comforting comments, emails, texts, and phone calls.  My Heart is smiling today :)

And just like that... it's done.

Everything felt different this time.  It seemed to be going perfectly.  Despite not having any embryos to freeze, we still had 2 really good ones that made it to day 5.  I had lots of symptoms in the first few days (I do know these could have been attributed all to the progesterone and estrogen).  But it felt real and I felt pregnant for at least 3 days.  One morning at 1am I woke up to some really intense cramping.  It freaked me out a little, but then I thought maybe this was implantation.  A couple of days later, I caved and took an HPT.  It was negative, but I wasn't too upset because I knew it was just too early.  I took another one that evening and I swear we saw the faintest line.  I was cautiously hopeful.  I took another one the next morning but it was negative.  And thats when it happened.  All of my "symptoms" had just vanished.  I checked for soreness in my breasts, but they felt absolutely fine.  I know I drove myself crazy for the next few days testing every morning and evening all to see negatives.  But I felt like I was preparing myself for the fall to come.  On Monday I started having period like cramping.  She wasn't due until at least Wed or Thursday... but that's when I knew it was over.  Yes, I've heard all of the stories about girls feeling crampy down there and it being a sign of pregnancy.  But... I know my body. This IS a period.  Part of me feels like I WAS pregnant for a couple of days and it just wasn't strong enough to hold on.  I felt so heartbroken and crumbled into Johns shoulder that morning.  Later, I posted a little quote on my Facebook page.  Everyone gave their sympathies and some even tried to give me an extra glimmer of hope since we hadn't had final blood confirmation.  But I just knew.  I'm sorry but I can't help the negativity sometimes.  It creeps in when the sun disappears.  My Dr. said the earliest I could come in for a blood test was Tuesday- today.  I had originally planned to wait until Thursday since that would be the first day of my missed period.  But this morning the cramping was so bad, I just decided to rip off the bandaid and get it over with.  I texted my doctor and told him I was having cramps and that I thought the progesterone supplements were preventing bleeding, could I discontinue them once I had a confirmed negative.  I'm sure he was busy so his simple reply 10 minutes later was "OK".  D offered to ride up to the clinic with me, but I just wanted to turn my radio all the way up and zone out.  When I got to the clinic, I got frustrated because I couldn't find parking and everyone seemed to be parking like idiots... half way into another spot.  How dare they leave me with such a small space to squeeze into.  Don't they know I have a big American car?  I got out of the car and did my best to hold back my tears as I walked to the clinic.  When I got up to the office, there were 5 desk girls, and lab ladies standing at the counter.  No patients anywhere in sight.  I handed one my ID card and asked if I could have "THE" blood test.  I immediately burst into sobbing tears.  I just couldn't hold them back anymore.  I felt so STUPID!  They all looked terrified!  I followed one into the blood draw room and continued to pour my tears onto the floor.  I apologized profusely until she told me it was ok and she would give me a minute.  The draw was over and I quickly walked out of the clinic.  On my way out, I could see the ladies at the counter staring at me all with sad faces.  They knew what I knew.  And just like that... It was over.  BFN

Transfer Day!

I can't get over the outpouring of support we've received from all of our friends and families throughout this process.  Even if this isn't our time, I am so thankful for all of your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers.  I could not have made it this far without every single one of your uplifting words of encouragement.  You all bring me strength, smiles, and comfort!  Thankyou, Thankyou!  

The day is finally here!  The weekend seriously took forever!  I hated not knowing how the embryos were developing and how many we'd have left for the final transfer.   On our way to the clinic, we saw the Stork in his nest above the town of Herreiden.  My friend said this is a good omen!!!  Silly, but it brought me to tears.  The ride up to the clinic wasn't as painful as I'd anticipated.  Having my friend there to chat about girl stuff was a nice distraction.  We found a prime parking spot right out front and made our way up to the office.  We were directed to another floor of the clinic where we would hear about the embryos and then make the transfer.  The embryologist came in and explained to us that we had 2 good embryos for transfer today.  There were 3 more still developing in a dish that were about 8 cells but haven't made any progress since Saturday.  It upset me at first, but I accepted it almost immediately and said "Two is good" with tears streaming down my face.  It's more than one.  And with a 5 day transfer, our odds are better than at 3.  Only the best will survive to day 5.  I'm counting my blessings that we have 2 great embabies!!!  Dr. N came in next and explained to us a little more about the stage of the embryos.  They weren't complete blastocysts yet, but well on their way between a Morula and a Blast.  I guess the final development into a blast happens ON day 5.  So I'm assuming since our appointment was really early, they still needed a little time.

I love the way Dr. N talks to me with such reassuring words.  He stood up and said "And now we give them back to you".   They can finally be back in my possession where I can keep them safe for the next 9 months!  We moved into the transfer room where I undressed and hopped up into the stirrups.  He pointed to the monitor on the wall and showed me my two little embryos.  "Look, there they are together..  you can talk to them".  They were sticking to each other like 2 little peas in a pod.  My friend sat by my head and held my hand for the whole transfer.  The embryologist used a catheter to scoop up my little balls of cells and gently handed it off to the doctor.  In less than 10 seconds they were transferred back into their home.  I checked my clock and it was 9:34.  It was such a sentimental experience.  I was sad that John couldn't be there, but thankful for my friend.  I laid there for the next 20 minutes scared to stand up.  So we just sat there taking silly selfies and laughing about how I am technically pregnant with twins now.  But it's not over yet.  They have to stick.  It's more waiting, but I feel calm .  A relief that I've done everything I can to make it to this point.  This round has been so much stronger than the first time.  There are so many positives.  I can't think of a single thing that would make this not work.  It's all up to the embabies and my uterus now.  

I'm home propped up on my couch watching friends.  Particularly the episode where Phoebe gets pregnant.  It makes me happy.  Another thing that makes me happy are all the cute pictures and stories of my friends wearing PINK for me today!  I feel truly blessed to have all of your support!  :)  Onto the 2 week wait!

Bombing this one...

Well here we are in the middle of the IVF Olympics, and I'm totally falling out.  I'm exhausted mentally and physically and just ready to make it across that finish line already.  We haven't had an update on our embies in over 72 hours and it's just pure torture.  On our first round of ICSI, our poor embies weren't the best quality so we transferred them right away with a 3 day transfer and got a gut wrenching negative.  This time we are waiting until day 5.  This gives them more time to turn into blastocysts which have a better chance of "sticking".  This is great... but I have no idea how many we have left!  I am so scared to walk into that office tomorrow and hear bad news.  Sure, no news is good news, but they could take a turn at any point during the process and leave me stranded again.  I know this is so far off from positive thinking, but like I've said in the past... I prefer to prepare myself for any outcome.  I want all 6 of those little balls of cells to make it to day 5's so we can freeze a few.  I won't be picky and will be happy if we have 3 to transfer tomorrow.  But I can't say I won't be heartbroken to lose even one.  For that matter, what if there is only ONE left????  I guess it only takes one, but I will feel so sad to raise another child that doesn't get to grow up with a sibling.  Aidan has complained countless times that he wished he'd had a little brother and it just always hurts my heart that I couldn't give that to him.  In any case, whatever the outcome will be, I will be thankful for anything that involves a baby in my arms by the end of this.

This waiting is so painful though!  3 days with no updates does not make for a happy Paige.  I am having meltdowns left and right.  John tells me to relax and stop stressing about it... but that is so easier said than done.  Sometimes I wish I was a man.  So I could just switch off the emotions in times of total stress.  I just can't seem to let things go.  Everyone keeps telling me to find a distraction to keep my mind off of it.  Well I did... and apparently that's not working.  My mind doesn't work that way.  Sorry to tell ya... but this is who I am.  It doesn't help that I've got all these hormones being thrown at me from the shots, progesterone supplements, and the estrogen.  I'm just going to say this once... and we can all agree to let me do my thing and just let me cry and complain when I want to... I CAN'T HELP IT!

Tomorrow is the big day I guess.  Unfortunately, John has to leave me today for the field for a week.  Any other time, I wouldn't be upset about one little week away because we've been through 4 deployments and a Korea tour.  But tomorrow is important to us... so I'm sad he can't be there AGAIN.  Last time he was in Poland for 2 weeks while I did almost the whole process without him.  We even had to freeze his contribution to make it happen.  I guess all that matters is that I did have him there for Conception day and I can be happy with that.  Besides, I've got a good friend coming along with me and I think she is a good luck charm :)

Now to fill the rest of today with happy thoughts and vibes... haha... we'll see about that :P