Tuesday, February 11, 2014

And just like that... it's done.

Everything felt different this time.  It seemed to be going perfectly.  Despite not having any embryos to freeze, we still had 2 really good ones that made it to day 5.  I had lots of symptoms in the first few days (I do know these could have been attributed all to the progesterone and estrogen).  But it felt real and I felt pregnant for at least 3 days.  One morning at 1am I woke up to some really intense cramping.  It freaked me out a little, but then I thought maybe this was implantation.  A couple of days later, I caved and took an HPT.  It was negative, but I wasn't too upset because I knew it was just too early.  I took another one that evening and I swear we saw the faintest line.  I was cautiously hopeful.  I took another one the next morning but it was negative.  And thats when it happened.  All of my "symptoms" had just vanished.  I checked for soreness in my breasts, but they felt absolutely fine.  I know I drove myself crazy for the next few days testing every morning and evening all to see negatives.  But I felt like I was preparing myself for the fall to come.  On Monday I started having period like cramping.  She wasn't due until at least Wed or Thursday... but that's when I knew it was over.  Yes, I've heard all of the stories about girls feeling crampy down there and it being a sign of pregnancy.  But... I know my body. This IS a period.  Part of me feels like I WAS pregnant for a couple of days and it just wasn't strong enough to hold on.  I felt so heartbroken and crumbled into Johns shoulder that morning.  Later, I posted a little quote on my Facebook page.  Everyone gave their sympathies and some even tried to give me an extra glimmer of hope since we hadn't had final blood confirmation.  But I just knew.  I'm sorry but I can't help the negativity sometimes.  It creeps in when the sun disappears.  My Dr. said the earliest I could come in for a blood test was Tuesday- today.  I had originally planned to wait until Thursday since that would be the first day of my missed period.  But this morning the cramping was so bad, I just decided to rip off the bandaid and get it over with.  I texted my doctor and told him I was having cramps and that I thought the progesterone supplements were preventing bleeding, could I discontinue them once I had a confirmed negative.  I'm sure he was busy so his simple reply 10 minutes later was "OK".  D offered to ride up to the clinic with me, but I just wanted to turn my radio all the way up and zone out.  When I got to the clinic, I got frustrated because I couldn't find parking and everyone seemed to be parking like idiots... half way into another spot.  How dare they leave me with such a small space to squeeze into.  Don't they know I have a big American car?  I got out of the car and did my best to hold back my tears as I walked to the clinic.  When I got up to the office, there were 5 desk girls, and lab ladies standing at the counter.  No patients anywhere in sight.  I handed one my ID card and asked if I could have "THE" blood test.  I immediately burst into sobbing tears.  I just couldn't hold them back anymore.  I felt so STUPID!  They all looked terrified!  I followed one into the blood draw room and continued to pour my tears onto the floor.  I apologized profusely until she told me it was ok and she would give me a minute.  The draw was over and I quickly walked out of the clinic.  On my way out, I could see the ladies at the counter staring at me all with sad faces.  They knew what I knew.  And just like that... It was over.  BFN

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