Sunday, February 2, 2014

Bombing this one...

Well here we are in the middle of the IVF Olympics, and I'm totally falling out.  I'm exhausted mentally and physically and just ready to make it across that finish line already.  We haven't had an update on our embies in over 72 hours and it's just pure torture.  On our first round of ICSI, our poor embies weren't the best quality so we transferred them right away with a 3 day transfer and got a gut wrenching negative.  This time we are waiting until day 5.  This gives them more time to turn into blastocysts which have a better chance of "sticking".  This is great... but I have no idea how many we have left!  I am so scared to walk into that office tomorrow and hear bad news.  Sure, no news is good news, but they could take a turn at any point during the process and leave me stranded again.  I know this is so far off from positive thinking, but like I've said in the past... I prefer to prepare myself for any outcome.  I want all 6 of those little balls of cells to make it to day 5's so we can freeze a few.  I won't be picky and will be happy if we have 3 to transfer tomorrow.  But I can't say I won't be heartbroken to lose even one.  For that matter, what if there is only ONE left????  I guess it only takes one, but I will feel so sad to raise another child that doesn't get to grow up with a sibling.  Aidan has complained countless times that he wished he'd had a little brother and it just always hurts my heart that I couldn't give that to him.  In any case, whatever the outcome will be, I will be thankful for anything that involves a baby in my arms by the end of this.

This waiting is so painful though!  3 days with no updates does not make for a happy Paige.  I am having meltdowns left and right.  John tells me to relax and stop stressing about it... but that is so easier said than done.  Sometimes I wish I was a man.  So I could just switch off the emotions in times of total stress.  I just can't seem to let things go.  Everyone keeps telling me to find a distraction to keep my mind off of it.  Well I did... and apparently that's not working.  My mind doesn't work that way.  Sorry to tell ya... but this is who I am.  It doesn't help that I've got all these hormones being thrown at me from the shots, progesterone supplements, and the estrogen.  I'm just going to say this once... and we can all agree to let me do my thing and just let me cry and complain when I want to... I CAN'T HELP IT!

Tomorrow is the big day I guess.  Unfortunately, John has to leave me today for the field for a week.  Any other time, I wouldn't be upset about one little week away because we've been through 4 deployments and a Korea tour.  But tomorrow is important to us... so I'm sad he can't be there AGAIN.  Last time he was in Poland for 2 weeks while I did almost the whole process without him.  We even had to freeze his contribution to make it happen.  I guess all that matters is that I did have him there for Conception day and I can be happy with that.  Besides, I've got a good friend coming along with me and I think she is a good luck charm :)

Now to fill the rest of today with happy thoughts and vibes... haha... we'll see about that :P

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