Friday, September 6, 2013

Parking Lot Decisions...

Today was supposed to be a great day.  I went in there hoping for my 15 fluffy follicles to find out we lost a few soldiers in the battle.  How does that happen????  We went from 7 to 5.  Ok... 5 sounds like a good number to work with right?  But in the questionable world of IVF/ICSI... it's a really poor number.  During egg retrieval we would more than likely lose at least half of that.  On our last round, we went into retrieval day with 8.  Even then, I had doubts about going through with it in fear of not having enough eggs.  We ended up with only 4 eggs... 3 that fertilized and NONE to freeze.  This time, Dr. V did suggest we continue this weekend with our shots and check again on Monday.  But... he's not the one spending the money.  We sat in the car in front of the Apotheke trying to figure out what we should do.  My heart was telling me 5 just isn't enough.  We flipped a coin a few times, but it kept saying we should continue.  But, if we continue with the shots, we'd have to go into that Apotheke and spend another 600 euro on top of the 1400 we've already spent on shots.  That's ALOT of money to throw away when your heart is telling you NO.  I didn't listen to my heart last time... and where did that get me?  Right here where I am now.  So we decided, in the parking lot, to throw out those prescriptions and go back into the office to let them know we are canceling this round.  I was given 2 more prescriptions to cancel the cycle and we must wait for my new "cycle" to start again.  Alles Gute.  I'm having my cry today... but I'm looking forward to enjoying Oktoberfest this year with my husband.. and a visit from his Aunt and Uncle.  Maybe next time :)

Thursday, September 5, 2013

What IF????

Today we are on Day 8 of hormone shots and stimming.  On Monday we went in to check on the follies.  After 4 shots... we had 7 growing.  I was super excited about that number, but my Dr. seemed a  little bit disappointed :/.  He wanted to see at least 10 by then.  So he prescribed me a second shot- menopur.  The rest of the day went great!  I had my first acupuncture, and positive vibes surrounded me.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling FAT.  My stomach expanded overnight and hasn't gone down since.  My mood has gone from happy and bubbly... to blah and run down.  I'm blaming it on the second shot for sure!  I haven't done much this week at all.  But it has definitely been relaxing.  And I guess that's what my body wants and needs for these follicles to grow.  Tomorrow we'll go back in to check on them.  The Dr. wants around 14 follicles before retrieval day.  So I'm hoping, hoping, hoping all this tiredness and bloating is because there are FIFTEEN!!!!  Please let there be fifteen!!!!!!  I can't say the negative energy hasn't started to sneak back into my thoughts... because it has.  I keep questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing spending this money.  It's so much harder to wrap my head around now that Tricare isn't involved in an ounce of the treatments.  I'm angry that they took it away!  And even angrier it didn't work last time when some of it was covered.  I just keep thinking 10k down the drain?  What if!  But then again... what if we get our babies and my dream of having twins comes true.  It WILL be worth it!  I guess there is no sense worrying about things that I have no control over... but I just can't help it.  I don't want to be an empty nester when I'm 38.  I'm not done being a mommy!  I was on Pinterest the other day and saw someone I was following posting all these cute little lunchbox ideas.  Silly... but it really got me excited!  Cute little animal cut outs made of cheese!  Sandwiches shaped like airplanes!  Apple slices and blueberries made into an American Flag!  I turned to Aidan and said... would you be embarrassed if I made you a lunch like this?  He just shook his head and said... um... YES!  All of the fun kiddie things are over with him.  I know there are a lot more things to come... but I'm just not done with the fun kiddie things... and I want to do it again.  Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!