What IF????

Today we are on Day 8 of hormone shots and stimming.  On Monday we went in to check on the follies.  After 4 shots... we had 7 growing.  I was super excited about that number, but my Dr. seemed a  little bit disappointed :/.  He wanted to see at least 10 by then.  So he prescribed me a second shot- menopur.  The rest of the day went great!  I had my first acupuncture, and positive vibes surrounded me.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling FAT.  My stomach expanded overnight and hasn't gone down since.  My mood has gone from happy and bubbly... to blah and run down.  I'm blaming it on the second shot for sure!  I haven't done much this week at all.  But it has definitely been relaxing.  And I guess that's what my body wants and needs for these follicles to grow.  Tomorrow we'll go back in to check on them.  The Dr. wants around 14 follicles before retrieval day.  So I'm hoping, hoping, hoping all this tiredness and bloating is because there are FIFTEEN!!!!  Please let there be fifteen!!!!!!  I can't say the negative energy hasn't started to sneak back into my thoughts... because it has.  I keep questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing spending this money.  It's so much harder to wrap my head around now that Tricare isn't involved in an ounce of the treatments.  I'm angry that they took it away!  And even angrier it didn't work last time when some of it was covered.  I just keep thinking 10k down the drain?  What if!  But then again... what if we get our babies and my dream of having twins comes true.  It WILL be worth it!  I guess there is no sense worrying about things that I have no control over... but I just can't help it.  I don't want to be an empty nester when I'm 38.  I'm not done being a mommy!  I was on Pinterest the other day and saw someone I was following posting all these cute little lunchbox ideas.  Silly... but it really got me excited!  Cute little animal cut outs made of cheese!  Sandwiches shaped like airplanes!  Apple slices and blueberries made into an American Flag!  I turned to Aidan and said... would you be embarrassed if I made you a lunch like this?  He just shook his head and said... um... YES!  All of the fun kiddie things are over with him.  I know there are a lot more things to come... but I'm just not done with the fun kiddie things... and I want to do it again.  Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!