What is wrong with Me!!!!!

When we started this whole IVF thing... I decided I was going to share it with the world. Good or bad... I wanted everyone I knew to know what I was going through. Do I regret that decision? Not in the slightest. It is interesting though, to see some of the things people say to me. I can't blame them... most have no idea what I'm thinking or what will make me feel better. The truth is... it hurts. Nothing that is said will make it better. All I really want to hear is "it sucks dude". I don't want to hear "it will happen when it is meant to be" or "things happen for a reason". When I hear that... all I think is "well why wasn't it meant to be RIGHT NOW"? And it makes me angry with myself. And it is still new. I'm not sure how long I'll be "upset" about it... but I know people think I should be over it already. Well.. I'm not. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not asking everyone to tip-toe around me. I just want people to think about me... and what they know about me. Think before you speak (write) to me or if it doesn't sound right... don't say it at all. If I don't respond to your email.. don't be offended... I'm just not in the mood. Yes, I'm being a selfish, spoiled, little brat. I will come out of it eventually... but right now it's all about trying to feel better about this. I am not happy... and I don't want to "act" happy just for the sake of being happy. What is that? Over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it. I can be happy and enjoy my friends. But then there are just days where I see lots of babies or ultrasounds in my newsfeed and I am like... why isn't that me? Is that completely selfish? I am not excited about the next step because I know it just means I will be losing more. THREE months ago... I was clueless. WE were clueless. We just thought "it will happen when it happens". And now... I know it will NEVER happen without the help of doctors. There won't be any miracles unless we are dishing out thousands of dollars to make them happen. How can so many decisions change in such a short amount of time? And now tomorrow... I will be requesting a surgery that removes any chance of those little miracles. I used to think the only way I'd ever request to have my tubes removed or tied was if I never wanted to have babies. Why would I want that? And now I have to do it if we want one. HA! Removing my woman-ness one tube at a time. Yes... I am ecstatic about that! I promise I'm not asking for sympathy here. I just whine and complain to get it out. It feels better to get it off my chest than to sit here thinking it in my head privately. Anyways... Giant Baby Out!

Rainbows and Butterflies... Um... No.

Yes... it is what it is. Yes... I have a great family and I am blessed. Yes... I have a great life, and I love it! But, right now... I am grieving. In my mind I have lost 3 beautiful babies. They may not have had a heartbeat, hands or feet. But to me, they were real. They were my future. I pictured them running around making messes, spilling boxes of baking soda in my kitchen. Making crayon masterpieces on my walls. Leaving socks in my bed sheets. Feeding their veggies to the dogs. Smiling and giggling to a peek a boo morning. And in one moment... all of those visions were gone. I just need... time. It has only been a few days. I need time to accept it. I know he is angry that we spent all of this money and it didn't work. And I know he hates watching me cry. But I need to. No one said there wouldn't be disappointment. Or that it would happen over night. He told me he doesn't want to do it again. He can't stand to see me hurting. But I can't give up that easily. I know that one day all of this torture WILL be worth it. I do love our Aidan. More than anything in the world. But I am not ready to have an empty house. When he leaves, I will be 39. 39!!!!! This is not our first "loss". 6 years ago we had an ectopic pregnancy. We were soo excited for another baby. I fought for it. I told the doctors they were wrong and that my baby was fine. I waited too long to take the drug to remove the pregnancy. And so, I lost the tube. Over a few months, I managed to come to terms with it and accept that it wasn't "meant to be". I will accept this one too. But I need more time. Don't expect me to be my bubbly, happy normal for a little while. Don't expect me to always be polite. I am trying not to take it out on anyone else... but sometimes I can't help it. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I AM WHAT I AM. Get over IT!!!!

Self Destruction...

During my two week wait, I read a lot of blogs from people in my same situation. I came across a blog from a failed IVF cycle. She prepared a list of self destructive things she did the day she got her bad news. I wanted to share my list as well...

1. Cry and Scream and Curse and Hate the situation until your head feels like it is going to explode.

2. Take a LONG hot bath. I have been avoiding baths since the embryo transfer because I read that the rise in temperature was bad for blood flow to the uterus, and also that water could get in there and wash them away.

3. Pig out on non-healthy crap in the pantry. We had gone grocery shopping the day before, and I prepared appropriately. I bought all the junk food I could find knowing food has a weird way of comforting me. I'm not a skinny girl. I like to eat. I ate chips, guacamole and queso, chocolates, and then my hunny cooked me up a big fat juicy ribeye for dinner with baked beans and tomato boats. I also drank a few cokes. I probably put on about 5 lbs just yesterday alone.

4. Drink a beer. I love my new German beer. John bought me a case a few days earlier. I was actually pretty good and only drank half of one. It was warm and didn't really make me happy. It didn't help though either that I have to go back in for another blood test on Wed just to confirm that we are indeed not pregnant. What a crock.

5. Lay in bed and cuddle with the fur balls all day. My Bailey always gives me such warm snuggles. She is curled up at my side as I type this. John says I favor her over Kahlua... but I don't. Kahlua is just more hyper and never sits still long enough to get in the good snuggles.

6. Hug Aidan. He came home and immediately came to me and asked how it went. I shook my head no, and it looked like he was about to cry. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that we would do better next time. God I love that kid. He sometimes seems more adult than me. I hate that I am soo weak and let him see it. Even when John deploys... he is always the one holding us together while "I" cry. What an awful mother I am to do that to him!

7. Watch a bunch of rerun episodes of desperate housewives. Even knowing it's fiction... something about watching someone else in a crappier situation than mine... just makes you feel not so alone. I know my situation is not the worst. And I know there are people out there who have been trying much longer with no luck. But it's never easy to lose something you want so badly.

8. Facebook. I love all of my friends on facebook. Their words of encouragement always keep me going. Even the people who I don't know personally. I know a lot of people in my situation choose to keep this stuff private. Well... I am just not a private person. I can't help myself from sharing it with the world. If my story can touch ONE person. Or sympathize with just ONE situation, then I can feel good about it. I am questioning wether or not I want to share our next cycle. I'm not sure it is completely fair to let my friends and family go through this with me again. But at the same time, I need their support. I want it. And I would be lying to myself if I said it would be easy to keep it from them. I just can't help myself. When we finally do get the answer... I want them all to know the struggle we've been to to get to that point. Isn't that fair?

9. Take a daily photo. This was kind of fun. Instead of breaking glass or dishes, I broke eggs. 3 of them. One for each embryo that I lost. Not quite sure what John thought when he saw the broken eggs left on the counter... but he cleaned them up while cooking for me.

10. Blow snot into Johns shoulder until we fall asleep. Normally he would tell me to stop crying and relax. But last night he let me cry it out until I had no more tears.

11. Wake up and see a brighter side to the new day and plan to start all over ;)

Broken Eggs...

I knew it. I just had a feeling that we weren't pregnant. But I tried and tried to be positive. I know I made lots of negative comments... but that didn't mean I wasn't sitting inside my head hoping and hoping and wishing for this to be our time. We went in for our ultrasound yesterday and I cried on the table. I always cry when I'm nervous. The doctor actually said everything looked good and that my lining was nice and thick. It was 18 when usually it would be about 6 (from what I've heard). He sent me on my way for a blood test to confirm. On the way home, I cried some more. John kept telling me to stop it and that everything would be OK. We got home, had some lunch and the call came right at noon. The voice on the other side sounded hesitant. And I knew. She said I'm sorry... but it was negative. She told me to continue taking the medication and then to come back in a few days to take another blood test. For what??? I'm already devastated and now I have to wait a few more days to take another negative blood test??? I emailed the good Doctor and asked him why couldn't we just start over, why was my lining so thick, and why was the blood test negative? He said he doesn't like to believe the blood test and that sometimes his clinical experience is more important. I have a love/hate relationship for this man's emails. In one hand I love that he is trying to give me a little glimmer of hope that I still might be pregnant. But at the same time, I have already given up on this cycle, and I'm kind of irritated that I'm being set up to go through the same bad news again on Wednesday. It is time to readdress the surgery to remove my blocked tube and close off the side that was removed. I didn't want to have to do that... but it seems like the only logical explanation. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe my uterus just hates me and there are no explanations for why we can't get pregnant. 2 losses now. 3rd times a charm???? Happy Valentines day everyone ;)

Our Aidan...

I know I've been blogging a lot... mostly just random thoughts and feelings. It helps pass the time. Maybe I sound overdramatic sometimes... oh well. With one day left until we find out our big or not so big news, I started thinking about when we found out we were pregnant with Aidan. We got pregnant almost immediately after we got married. So soon that people would even believe that was the reason we got married. But it wasn't. We knew we wanted a baby even before we married and knew we wanted to start right away. Even after three months we went to the doctor wondering why we weren't already. We were very impatient. The doctor told us we were crazy and to come back and see him in one year if we still weren't pregnant. The next month I was waiting for my monthly blessing to come along and it wasn't showing up. We immediately went out and bought a pregnancy test. John bought it. Haha! We got it home and I did my thing and laid it on the sink. I stood over that stick for what seemed like forever and nothing was happening. I called for John and told him it wasn't working. He walked into the bathroom, picked up the stick, and turned it over. "You had it upside down... look... we're pregnant"

Possibilites...

All of this waiting around, constantly thinking about what could or could not happen... finally just made my head stop. One day I was happy and excited about the possibility of being pregnant. The next I was in tears thinking about what would happen if I wasn't. It has really just been confusing and exhausting. I try to be positive in my comments about it... but I know I probably just sound like a bitter old hag at this point. So I apologize to my fertility posse... you know who you are ;). Today I woke up with nothing. No feelings about it either way. Either I'm pregnant or I'm not. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. So what is the point in even trying to imagine what my reaction will be on Monday. A few days ago I was looking for any sign I could find to tell me I was either pregnant or not. Then I realized any symptom I had could be construed in two different ways. For instance.. cramping could be either from the embryos implanting... or it could also be a period on it's way or even just a side effect of the progesterone. There is no point in obsessing over this or looking for those little signs. We will know in good time. Very glad that this 2 week wait is coming to an end. Less than 48 hours until we know what is in store for us. If we are pregnant... GREAT!!! If not... We've already decided we will try one more time immediately before things get too hectic around here. Of course... still wishing we won't have to :).

Waiting... Waiting... WAITING...

The last week has been the longest week EVER. It has been exactly one week since they put my 3 beautiful little embryos back in. We have 4 days left of waiting. It doesn't seem like very long... but it is an agonizing wait for me. 12 years all rolled into this little week and a half. So many scenarios are running through my mind. If it works and we have 2 babies just like we wanted... how excited will we be... or will we even believe it. If it doesn't work... who will I be? I've already decided to take that week off just in case. I know if it doesn't happen I will be a mess. I wish it were easy to see the signs either way. I wish I "felt" pregnant. But I still just feel bloated from all the drugs pumped into my body. I finally had my last progesterone shot last night. Thank goodness those are over. I did not enjoy them one bit. I had a little bit of cramping a few days ago... but that seems to be gone now too and I just feel FAT. At least I can finally button my pants again... but I was disappointed in myself on Tuesday while shooting my session. I was panting like a dog in heat. I could barely breathe. I think it's slowly going back to normal though. I just need some patience. Calm, relaxing, patience until Monday. But I/WE really want this. I think we deserve this. I know we do.

Sticky Buns...

My awesomely, incredible friend Claudia offered to drive me to my appointment in Nurnberg on Monday. She drove all the way out to my house with a big pan of beef and cheese enchiladas for Aidan and I to eat for dinner. She really is an awesome friend... and I feel blessed to have her! She kept my mind occupied on the drive up to the office. When we arrived, we immediately found parking in the close parking lot! Great... because I didn't have to walk far when the procedure was done! We went up to the 1st floor and they sent us up to the third floor. There we sat at a small coffee table. We laughed because we felt like at any minute we would be served crumpets and tea. Hahaha! The anesthesiologist came out to ask me a few questions. What are you allergic to, have you had any surgery... bla bla bla. Can you eat Soy Sauce? HUH??? Apparently the medication they use has the same base. I thought that was odd...but ok! She asked me to go back downstairs to use the restroom one more time. It was funny because there was a line of girls doing the same thing. While I stood by the bathroom door waiting for my turn... Dr. V came out of his office. I gave him a little school girl wave and he rubbed me on the shoulder. It was good to see a smile on his face... especially knowing that he was about to possibly get me pregnant...LOL!

I went BACK upstairs and one of the nurses came out to have me finish filling out the paperwork. She asked me to go BACK downstairs to drop off my 2500 euro. I think they were just trying to make me work out. I was exhausted from walking up and down those stairs all morning. Finally around 10:45, the anesthesiologist came back out and got me. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I feel bad because poor little Claudia had to sit out in the waiting room with the other husbands. They didn't allow anyone to go back there but the patient. I went into this tiny room where she gave me a knee length shirt. It had stripes. I remember thinking... am I going to jail? Later I noticed the other girls had plain blue ones with a little bow in the front. Probably because they were skinnier. Haha... the fat girls always get the moo moo dresses :(. She then gave me an IV and asked me to walk into the next room where I climbed up onto the table and put my legs in the stirrups. She covered my girlie parts with a sheet until it was time to do the procedure. She switched my IV out with the sleepy stuff and said... "Night night... sweet dreams". I closed my eyes and drifted of to sleep quickly. It took me a few days to remember what I dreamed about, but I finally did. I was in a Facebook contest and I won a Camera. Haha! Next best thing to babies I guess for me!

When they woke me, I was already in a new room with 3 German girls. The first thing I said was.. "How long was that". Someone said it was an hour and that I had to stay in the new room for another hour. Some of them gave me the evil eye, but I rolled over and pretended not to see. I kept thinking about Claudia sitting in the waiting room bored out of her mind. I was soo grateful to have her there, but also missed John. After all... if this works, that would have been the day of Conception! I laid there for my hour, the whole time holding my belly. I guess I don't take to pain very well because I was cramping a lot and the other girls seemed to be just fine. I was the last one to finish my IV, and they finally sent me on my way with a slip of paper that told me how many eggs they retrieved. 4 out of 8 made it out. I had hoped for more... but this was ok. I met Claudia in the waiting room and we headed to the pharmacy.

She then took me to China Wok. I hadn't eaten since the night before and I was starving. Scarfed down my food like no one's business. Then home. Aidan just got home too and he gave me a quick little look... glad you're alive mommy. He was so nervous the previous night thinking I wouldn't wake up. What a joker that boy is!!! The rest of the evening I spent mostly lying around in bed. I know a bunch of girls are fine after this procedure but for me, I've never done well with stomach pains or cramping... so the bed was the place for me.

The next morning I received a phone call from the office telling me that my eggs were not fertilizing. I immediately started crying and thinking this was such a waste of time and money. But my support group picked me up and I was actually ready to start again right away. I had to wait one more day though "just in case". On Wed I got another phone call from the office. I wasn't excited about this one, but the nurse sounded enthusiastic. "Misses Kimball!!! I have good news!!! 3 of the eggs have fertilized!!" I didn't know what to say. I questioned the quality of the embryo's since it took them longer than normal to fertilize, but I agreed that it was worth a shot to implant them. She called me again later and asked me if I could come in Thursday morning for the transfer. My buns were going back in the oven!!! John wasn't scheduled to return home until Thursday evening, so again, my good friend Claudia accepted my request for her to join me. This time they allowed her to come into the room with me and she watched as they put my little embryo's back in. It was quick and simple and I had 15 minutes of lying flat on my back before I left.

Claudia was worried about me walking around and wanted to get me home as quickly as possible, but I had to make a pit stop at the commissary for a Pineapple! I was told the core of the pineapple helps with implantation. So I've been eating it for the past 3 days. I'm kind of sick of pineapple now. That's pretty much it. Now we wait. The big day is Feb 13th. There are so many things rolling around in my head. I just know that if this doesn't work, I will be devastated. But I know my friends and family will be there for me, and luckily I have John by my side this time. We love our little Aidan... but I don't want to have an empty nest in only 6 years from now. We want more children. Aidan wants a brother or sister... or both. I know there's nothing we can do about it. I'm trying to be patient... but it's hard. REALLY HARD!!!!