Monday, February 13, 2012

Broken Eggs...

I knew it. I just had a feeling that we weren't pregnant. But I tried and tried to be positive. I know I made lots of negative comments... but that didn't mean I wasn't sitting inside my head hoping and hoping and wishing for this to be our time. We went in for our ultrasound yesterday and I cried on the table. I always cry when I'm nervous. The doctor actually said everything looked good and that my lining was nice and thick. It was 18 when usually it would be about 6 (from what I've heard). He sent me on my way for a blood test to confirm. On the way home, I cried some more. John kept telling me to stop it and that everything would be OK. We got home, had some lunch and the call came right at noon. The voice on the other side sounded hesitant. And I knew. She said I'm sorry... but it was negative. She told me to continue taking the medication and then to come back in a few days to take another blood test. For what??? I'm already devastated and now I have to wait a few more days to take another negative blood test??? I emailed the good Doctor and asked him why couldn't we just start over, why was my lining so thick, and why was the blood test negative? He said he doesn't like to believe the blood test and that sometimes his clinical experience is more important. I have a love/hate relationship for this man's emails. In one hand I love that he is trying to give me a little glimmer of hope that I still might be pregnant. But at the same time, I have already given up on this cycle, and I'm kind of irritated that I'm being set up to go through the same bad news again on Wednesday. It is time to readdress the surgery to remove my blocked tube and close off the side that was removed. I didn't want to have to do that... but it seems like the only logical explanation. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe my uterus just hates me and there are no explanations for why we can't get pregnant. 2 losses now. 3rd times a charm???? Happy Valentines day everyone ;)

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