Friday, February 17, 2012

Rainbows and Butterflies... Um... No.

Yes... it is what it is. Yes... I have a great family and I am blessed. Yes... I have a great life, and I love it! But, right now... I am grieving. In my mind I have lost 3 beautiful babies. They may not have had a heartbeat, hands or feet. But to me, they were real. They were my future. I pictured them running around making messes, spilling boxes of baking soda in my kitchen. Making crayon masterpieces on my walls. Leaving socks in my bed sheets. Feeding their veggies to the dogs. Smiling and giggling to a peek a boo morning. And in one moment... all of those visions were gone. I just need... time. It has only been a few days. I need time to accept it. I know he is angry that we spent all of this money and it didn't work. And I know he hates watching me cry. But I need to. No one said there wouldn't be disappointment. Or that it would happen over night. He told me he doesn't want to do it again. He can't stand to see me hurting. But I can't give up that easily. I know that one day all of this torture WILL be worth it. I do love our Aidan. More than anything in the world. But I am not ready to have an empty house. When he leaves, I will be 39. 39!!!!! This is not our first "loss". 6 years ago we had an ectopic pregnancy. We were soo excited for another baby. I fought for it. I told the doctors they were wrong and that my baby was fine. I waited too long to take the drug to remove the pregnancy. And so, I lost the tube. Over a few months, I managed to come to terms with it and accept that it wasn't "meant to be". I will accept this one too. But I need more time. Don't expect me to be my bubbly, happy normal for a little while. Don't expect me to always be polite. I am trying not to take it out on anyone else... but sometimes I can't help it. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I AM WHAT I AM. Get over IT!!!!


  1. Each time I have responded differently... Some negatives have left me grieving for days. Or had me asking why it worked for others. Other times I got over it quick and wanted to get right back to trying...
    Take your time friend. If you do not allow yourself to grieve how you need to- you will regret it later! Sending love!

  2. You write so well...Family is always a great support :)

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  3. Great job, Miss Kimball. I love your writing and all of your friends from Troop 224 in Clarksville, Tennessee are here for support at anytime(if we get a TON of more boys, that is....)

    1. Also, to go with your whole butterflies and rainbows mood on here (quote from bulletstorm(a game): "Rainbows, puppies and f***ing unicorns spew from your a**!"), I thought I should let you know that troop 224 has been disbanded as of April 29th, 2012. Just as a FYI to you and Aiden. Also, tell him I said hi.