Thursday, June 19, 2014

One more time???

At the moment, this has been THE most difficult 2 weeks of my life.  I went from planning a new baby, to planning the rest of my life without ever having a new baby, to possibly trying one more time.  I'm learning that my husband just can not stand to see me unhappy.  He is willing to give me anything I want just to keep me from crying.  I've cried myself to sleep in his arms almost every night since we got our bad news.  I've been fighting so hard to accept that this was the end of the road for us, but it's so much harder than I expected.  I wanted A to have a sibling.  I know it's late but I still wanted it for him.  I wanted John to experience the milestones that he missed out on while being deployed so many damn times during A's childhood.  My heart breaks for my son.  He has struggled so much with his daddy being gone so much.  I just can't always fill those father shoes for him.  I can only hope the time in between has made up for it.  I wanted to have my husband with me while I carried our child, while we watched his milestones together.  He has missed so much.  And I know there are worse situations, but I can't control the hurt.  I can't make the yearning go away.  We wanted more.  Yes we are happy with the ONE we have, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept not being able to have another.  I am so tired of responding to that remark.  Secondary infertility is painful too.

And so with this our journey WILL continue..  The next thing we will try is immune testing.  I've had this feeling that my body is just killing the embryos as soon as they enter.  Little did I know, this is a real issue and has caused many woman multiple implantation failures and miscarriage.  We will test to find out if this is affecting us, but also work on improving embryo quality.  3-6 months is our new projected timeline.  But first we are on the hunt for a new clinic that provides these types of testing.  Turkey is on the top of the list!  Thankyou for your continued prayers and support.

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