Self Destruction...

During my two week wait, I read a lot of blogs from people in my same situation. I came across a blog from a failed IVF cycle. She prepared a list of self destructive things she did the day she got her bad news. I wanted to share my list as well...

1. Cry and Scream and Curse and Hate the situation until your head feels like it is going to explode.

2. Take a LONG hot bath. I have been avoiding baths since the embryo transfer because I read that the rise in temperature was bad for blood flow to the uterus, and also that water could get in there and wash them away.

3. Pig out on non-healthy crap in the pantry. We had gone grocery shopping the day before, and I prepared appropriately. I bought all the junk food I could find knowing food has a weird way of comforting me. I'm not a skinny girl. I like to eat. I ate chips, guacamole and queso, chocolates, and then my hunny cooked me up a big fat juicy ribeye for dinner with baked beans and tomato boats. I also drank a few cokes. I probably put on about 5 lbs just yesterday alone.

4. Drink a beer. I love my new German beer. John bought me a case a few days earlier. I was actually pretty good and only drank half of one. It was warm and didn't really make me happy. It didn't help though either that I have to go back in for another blood test on Wed just to confirm that we are indeed not pregnant. What a crock.

5. Lay in bed and cuddle with the fur balls all day. My Bailey always gives me such warm snuggles. She is curled up at my side as I type this. John says I favor her over Kahlua... but I don't. Kahlua is just more hyper and never sits still long enough to get in the good snuggles.

6. Hug Aidan. He came home and immediately came to me and asked how it went. I shook my head no, and it looked like he was about to cry. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that we would do better next time. God I love that kid. He sometimes seems more adult than me. I hate that I am soo weak and let him see it. Even when John deploys... he is always the one holding us together while "I" cry. What an awful mother I am to do that to him!

7. Watch a bunch of rerun episodes of desperate housewives. Even knowing it's fiction... something about watching someone else in a crappier situation than mine... just makes you feel not so alone. I know my situation is not the worst. And I know there are people out there who have been trying much longer with no luck. But it's never easy to lose something you want so badly.

8. Facebook. I love all of my friends on facebook. Their words of encouragement always keep me going. Even the people who I don't know personally. I know a lot of people in my situation choose to keep this stuff private. Well... I am just not a private person. I can't help myself from sharing it with the world. If my story can touch ONE person. Or sympathize with just ONE situation, then I can feel good about it. I am questioning wether or not I want to share our next cycle. I'm not sure it is completely fair to let my friends and family go through this with me again. But at the same time, I need their support. I want it. And I would be lying to myself if I said it would be easy to keep it from them. I just can't help myself. When we finally do get the answer... I want them all to know the struggle we've been to to get to that point. Isn't that fair?

9. Take a daily photo. This was kind of fun. Instead of breaking glass or dishes, I broke eggs. 3 of them. One for each embryo that I lost. Not quite sure what John thought when he saw the broken eggs left on the counter... but he cleaned them up while cooking for me.

10. Blow snot into Johns shoulder until we fall asleep. Normally he would tell me to stop crying and relax. But last night he let me cry it out until I had no more tears.

11. Wake up and see a brighter side to the new day and plan to start all over ;)