Bye Bye Fallopian Tubes...

Yesterday we finally went in to see the OB that will do my surgery. At first I was impatient and wanted to have this done immediately. But after Tricare pulled their stunt with taking away our medication costs, I got frustrated and gave up. After all... that means another 1000 euro or so to add on top of what we already paid and will be paying again. Yes I'm complaining, and I know I should consider myself lucky that we aren't doing this in the states. I know it costs 3 times as much there. But this was one of the many reasons we came to Germany. Because we were told fertility treatments were easier to obtain here. And now Tricare is making that even more impossible.

We decided to take our time with this. Some days I am ready for the next step... some I am so negative about the whole experience, I just don't care to put myself through it again. But I will because I do want more babies. So the next step is one I thought about long and hard. Removing what is left of my tubes. It was not an easy decision... do not be excited about this "for me". It's not exciting for me and it does not make me happy. Remember, 4 months ago I had no idea my girlie parts were deceiving me. I just thought "it wasn't our time"... "it will happen when it happens". NO! IT WON'T. It will happen WHEN I MAKE IT HAPPEN! And now I am taking away any chance of it ever happening on it's own. No matter what the doctors tell me... there is still that little thought in my head that says... but what if we had a miracle. What if one of those embryo's fought it's way so hard to make it down the tube through the scar tissue and MADE IT! This surgery will remove any of that hope. And I am incredibly sad about it. But... I will do what I have to to remove any and all obstacles standing in our way for our next round of IVF.

I met the OB yesterday and she was very nice. I like her and look forward to seeing her when we do get pregnant. She explained the surgery to me. It is a simple outpatient surgery... laparoscopically done through the naval and then two on the right and left sides of my abdomen. They will cut out the remaining right tube and clean up what remains from the left one. They will also close off the holes where the tubes connect to the uterus so that fluid will not continue to leak in and wash away my beautiful embryos. I asked her if I could go back to work the following day, but she suggested that I take the rest of the week off. I had to reschedule 5 photo sessions. I have no days off between now and the day before my surgery... so that was stressful. But I'm ready to tackle my busy season I guess.

The surgery is scheduled for April 3rd. John has to take the day off from work to be with me. We met the anesthesiologist and he explained his process. He was also very nice and spoke English very well. I guess that's that. Hoping nothing else goes wrong when they get in there... We really want more babies!!!!!

This is Why I LOVE him...

I can't begin to describe the feelings I have for this man. I don't know if I deserve him all of the time. I've taken him for granted soo many times. It's easy to get mad and forget the reasons why you fell in love. But sometimes out of the blue, he amazes me with just a few words. Three months ago I asked John if he would build me a wall. As random as that may sound, it's not really shocking coming from me. He has grown used to my strange requests. I showed him a few samples and the wheels began turning. I described to him a beautiful spring booth that I was envisioning. I found flooring and furniture and all I wanted from him was a wall. I wasn't sure he'd go for it... but I was surprised when he started making decorating suggestions. He even looked at frames with me. All he had to do was ask me a simple question about my booth and it turned me into a giddy mess! I love that he supports me and this business. I think back to when I first started photography. We were out sunbathing in our pool and out of nowhere he asked me if I was serious about photography. He said he thought I was better than "walmart" and that I had potential. Those little words made me want it more. I know he is proud of me because of the way he brings it up randomly when I'm not even talking about it. He picked up a picture of Aidan in the house the other day and said "The picture that started it all". I love him because of those words. He spent hours outside in the cold building a frame for the wall. He rented a van, and carried all of the supplies to the hangar the day before the Bazaar. He spent the entire day Thursday putting together my wall and helping me arrange the furniture. He never once complained about it. And then this morning he even RAN the booth when I had to be somewhere else. I am so lucky to have this man in my life. He will do anything that I ask him to without a question (well except letting me have a baby pig...booo). And he supports me in a way that no one else can. When I was purchasing materials for the booth, I felt guilty. I was spending too much. I asked him if he thought this would all be worth it. His words... "Hellz yeah... show these people why you charge what you do and that you deserve it". I love him for those words. He probably doesn't even realize how happy he makes me when he says them. I am soo incredibly proud of what he did for me this week/end. He knows me more than I know myself. My vision was even more beautiful than I expected. It was perfect and he made it that way. And here it is... My Ansbach Debut (thanks to my amazing hubby)!!!!

What is wrong with Me!!!!!

When we started this whole IVF thing... I decided I was going to share it with the world. Good or bad... I wanted everyone I knew to know what I was going through. Do I regret that decision? Not in the slightest. It is interesting though, to see some of the things people say to me. I can't blame them... most have no idea what I'm thinking or what will make me feel better. The truth is... it hurts. Nothing that is said will make it better. All I really want to hear is "it sucks dude". I don't want to hear "it will happen when it is meant to be" or "things happen for a reason". When I hear that... all I think is "well why wasn't it meant to be RIGHT NOW"? And it makes me angry with myself. And it is still new. I'm not sure how long I'll be "upset" about it... but I know people think I should be over it already. Well.. I'm not. And I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not asking everyone to tip-toe around me. I just want people to think about me... and what they know about me. Think before you speak (write) to me or if it doesn't sound right... don't say it at all. If I don't respond to your email.. don't be offended... I'm just not in the mood. Yes, I'm being a selfish, spoiled, little brat. I will come out of it eventually... but right now it's all about trying to feel better about this. I am not happy... and I don't want to "act" happy just for the sake of being happy. What is that? Over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that I can be happy when I'm not thinking about it. I can be happy and enjoy my friends. But then there are just days where I see lots of babies or ultrasounds in my newsfeed and I am like... why isn't that me? Is that completely selfish? I am not excited about the next step because I know it just means I will be losing more. THREE months ago... I was clueless. WE were clueless. We just thought "it will happen when it happens". And now... I know it will NEVER happen without the help of doctors. There won't be any miracles unless we are dishing out thousands of dollars to make them happen. How can so many decisions change in such a short amount of time? And now tomorrow... I will be requesting a surgery that removes any chance of those little miracles. I used to think the only way I'd ever request to have my tubes removed or tied was if I never wanted to have babies. Why would I want that? And now I have to do it if we want one. HA! Removing my woman-ness one tube at a time. Yes... I am ecstatic about that! I promise I'm not asking for sympathy here. I just whine and complain to get it out. It feels better to get it off my chest than to sit here thinking it in my head privately. Anyways... Giant Baby Out!

Rainbows and Butterflies... Um... No.

Yes... it is what it is. Yes... I have a great family and I am blessed. Yes... I have a great life, and I love it! But, right now... I am grieving. In my mind I have lost 3 beautiful babies. They may not have had a heartbeat, hands or feet. But to me, they were real. They were my future. I pictured them running around making messes, spilling boxes of baking soda in my kitchen. Making crayon masterpieces on my walls. Leaving socks in my bed sheets. Feeding their veggies to the dogs. Smiling and giggling to a peek a boo morning. And in one moment... all of those visions were gone. I just need... time. It has only been a few days. I need time to accept it. I know he is angry that we spent all of this money and it didn't work. And I know he hates watching me cry. But I need to. No one said there wouldn't be disappointment. Or that it would happen over night. He told me he doesn't want to do it again. He can't stand to see me hurting. But I can't give up that easily. I know that one day all of this torture WILL be worth it. I do love our Aidan. More than anything in the world. But I am not ready to have an empty house. When he leaves, I will be 39. 39!!!!! This is not our first "loss". 6 years ago we had an ectopic pregnancy. We were soo excited for another baby. I fought for it. I told the doctors they were wrong and that my baby was fine. I waited too long to take the drug to remove the pregnancy. And so, I lost the tube. Over a few months, I managed to come to terms with it and accept that it wasn't "meant to be". I will accept this one too. But I need more time. Don't expect me to be my bubbly, happy normal for a little while. Don't expect me to always be polite. I am trying not to take it out on anyone else... but sometimes I can't help it. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I AM WHAT I AM. Get over IT!!!!

Self Destruction...

During my two week wait, I read a lot of blogs from people in my same situation. I came across a blog from a failed IVF cycle. She prepared a list of self destructive things she did the day she got her bad news. I wanted to share my list as well...

1. Cry and Scream and Curse and Hate the situation until your head feels like it is going to explode.

2. Take a LONG hot bath. I have been avoiding baths since the embryo transfer because I read that the rise in temperature was bad for blood flow to the uterus, and also that water could get in there and wash them away.

3. Pig out on non-healthy crap in the pantry. We had gone grocery shopping the day before, and I prepared appropriately. I bought all the junk food I could find knowing food has a weird way of comforting me. I'm not a skinny girl. I like to eat. I ate chips, guacamole and queso, chocolates, and then my hunny cooked me up a big fat juicy ribeye for dinner with baked beans and tomato boats. I also drank a few cokes. I probably put on about 5 lbs just yesterday alone.

4. Drink a beer. I love my new German beer. John bought me a case a few days earlier. I was actually pretty good and only drank half of one. It was warm and didn't really make me happy. It didn't help though either that I have to go back in for another blood test on Wed just to confirm that we are indeed not pregnant. What a crock.

5. Lay in bed and cuddle with the fur balls all day. My Bailey always gives me such warm snuggles. She is curled up at my side as I type this. John says I favor her over Kahlua... but I don't. Kahlua is just more hyper and never sits still long enough to get in the good snuggles.

6. Hug Aidan. He came home and immediately came to me and asked how it went. I shook my head no, and it looked like he was about to cry. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that we would do better next time. God I love that kid. He sometimes seems more adult than me. I hate that I am soo weak and let him see it. Even when John deploys... he is always the one holding us together while "I" cry. What an awful mother I am to do that to him!

7. Watch a bunch of rerun episodes of desperate housewives. Even knowing it's fiction... something about watching someone else in a crappier situation than mine... just makes you feel not so alone. I know my situation is not the worst. And I know there are people out there who have been trying much longer with no luck. But it's never easy to lose something you want so badly.

8. Facebook. I love all of my friends on facebook. Their words of encouragement always keep me going. Even the people who I don't know personally. I know a lot of people in my situation choose to keep this stuff private. Well... I am just not a private person. I can't help myself from sharing it with the world. If my story can touch ONE person. Or sympathize with just ONE situation, then I can feel good about it. I am questioning wether or not I want to share our next cycle. I'm not sure it is completely fair to let my friends and family go through this with me again. But at the same time, I need their support. I want it. And I would be lying to myself if I said it would be easy to keep it from them. I just can't help myself. When we finally do get the answer... I want them all to know the struggle we've been to to get to that point. Isn't that fair?

9. Take a daily photo. This was kind of fun. Instead of breaking glass or dishes, I broke eggs. 3 of them. One for each embryo that I lost. Not quite sure what John thought when he saw the broken eggs left on the counter... but he cleaned them up while cooking for me.

10. Blow snot into Johns shoulder until we fall asleep. Normally he would tell me to stop crying and relax. But last night he let me cry it out until I had no more tears.

11. Wake up and see a brighter side to the new day and plan to start all over ;)

Broken Eggs...

I knew it. I just had a feeling that we weren't pregnant. But I tried and tried to be positive. I know I made lots of negative comments... but that didn't mean I wasn't sitting inside my head hoping and hoping and wishing for this to be our time. We went in for our ultrasound yesterday and I cried on the table. I always cry when I'm nervous. The doctor actually said everything looked good and that my lining was nice and thick. It was 18 when usually it would be about 6 (from what I've heard). He sent me on my way for a blood test to confirm. On the way home, I cried some more. John kept telling me to stop it and that everything would be OK. We got home, had some lunch and the call came right at noon. The voice on the other side sounded hesitant. And I knew. She said I'm sorry... but it was negative. She told me to continue taking the medication and then to come back in a few days to take another blood test. For what??? I'm already devastated and now I have to wait a few more days to take another negative blood test??? I emailed the good Doctor and asked him why couldn't we just start over, why was my lining so thick, and why was the blood test negative? He said he doesn't like to believe the blood test and that sometimes his clinical experience is more important. I have a love/hate relationship for this man's emails. In one hand I love that he is trying to give me a little glimmer of hope that I still might be pregnant. But at the same time, I have already given up on this cycle, and I'm kind of irritated that I'm being set up to go through the same bad news again on Wednesday. It is time to readdress the surgery to remove my blocked tube and close off the side that was removed. I didn't want to have to do that... but it seems like the only logical explanation. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe my uterus just hates me and there are no explanations for why we can't get pregnant. 2 losses now. 3rd times a charm???? Happy Valentines day everyone ;)

Our Aidan...

I know I've been blogging a lot... mostly just random thoughts and feelings. It helps pass the time. Maybe I sound overdramatic sometimes... oh well. With one day left until we find out our big or not so big news, I started thinking about when we found out we were pregnant with Aidan. We got pregnant almost immediately after we got married. So soon that people would even believe that was the reason we got married. But it wasn't. We knew we wanted a baby even before we married and knew we wanted to start right away. Even after three months we went to the doctor wondering why we weren't already. We were very impatient. The doctor told us we were crazy and to come back and see him in one year if we still weren't pregnant. The next month I was waiting for my monthly blessing to come along and it wasn't showing up. We immediately went out and bought a pregnancy test. John bought it. Haha! We got it home and I did my thing and laid it on the sink. I stood over that stick for what seemed like forever and nothing was happening. I called for John and told him it wasn't working. He walked into the bathroom, picked up the stick, and turned it over. "You had it upside down... look... we're pregnant"