Monday, March 8, 2010

Anticipation is the hardest...

It's the waiting that gets to you. Not knowing when it will happen. When your life will be turned around. The days before and a few days after are always the worst. After that initial hump...things start falling into place and you get used to the new way of living.

I was doing great in the months leading up to this change until about a week ago. That day, he gave me a few dates to linger over my head. That's when it hit me. All the talk was actually becoming a reality. A reality I said would be easier this time around. But in all honesty, I can't even remember how I felt last time. All I can see is what I am feeling now. In this moment. My head is numb with the thought of not having him there when I need him. Silly things make me cry. I went to check the mail on Friday and when I tugged the handle I noticed it was wobbling. The bolts were coming loose from the ground. He had already fixed this problem, why was it loose again? Then came the tears. Silly, stupid, little tears. Over a Mailbox! Comon Paige....get a grip! I guess it just got me thinking about all the little things I count on him for.

I asked John if I am always this emotional when it's time for him to leave. His words were..."oh are always a basketcase...every time...stop making that pouty face". And I will do what I always do to keep my sanity and his "essence". Little things around the house will go untouched. The little sliver of soap in the shower that he was the last to use. The shirt he dropped on the floor one night...that I secretly stashed in my own dresser. And the newest thing. The couch pillows. I insist that the patterned side face up. He prefers it face down. We are constantly switching them without the others attention. How do you think the pillows will be faced next week. That's right... patterned side down. Because that's the way HE likes it. Psychotic a little? Maybe. But who cares.

I'm not trying to come off like a weak person. Because I'm really not. But I do have those we all do. Now more than ever. I will have happier ones to share with everyone. I promise. I have some great friends here going through the same thing. We will all survive. And our summer trips to Jazz on the Lawn will be amazing! I am looking forward to sharing those outings here.

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