Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Getting out!

2 days cooped up in the house with only a short little trip to the Vet yesterday to find out what this awful lump is on Bailey's chest.  My poor girl!  We weren't very concerned with it because we just figured it was a fat deposit... but it got bigger and harder one day and I freaked out!  The day we went to the vet it was a little smaller and squishier.  At first I didn't tell the vet about that... just that it had grown.  She said the dreaded word... "tumor".  I like to prepare myself for the worst so anything better is just a relief... so I wasn't very surprised when she said it.  We started talking about scheduling an appointment to remove the nasty thing and then I mentioned the part about it being squishier today.  She looked at me with surprise and said "Really?  Well, then it may not be a tumor at all!  It could just be an infection from a hair follicle".  WHAT???  So she gave us some antibiotics and we were sent home to monitor the lump for the next 7 days.  If it shrinks... then that is what it was.  If it doesn't change, we will have to have it removed.  I really don't want my girl to have a surgery... so we are hoping it's just the hair follicle thingy!!!  

Today was a nice day.  I went to lunch at an Italian place called Rosanno's with a friend.  We had the best salad and it was nice to talk to another adult after only having the dogs and Facebook to talk to the last couple of days.  After lunch, I went to the commissary.  I didn't really need anything but cereal for my boys... but it was nice to be out and run into friends.  On my way home, I had some running music playing in the car.  I just got this feeling that I needed to go for a run today!  One more run for our babies!  I haven't been feeling up to working out much lately... so when the feeling strikes, I should take advantage of it.  And it was such a nice day for a jog!  I didn't go as far as I normally do... but I did get in a little over 2 miles.  Anyways... it was a much better day than staying at home becoming a frantic google queen!!!   



Monday, January 27, 2014

Feeling really old and kinda dumb!

Why did we wait so long to do this???  Why did we just chalk it up to bad timing???  I am not really sure why I was so scared to make the step to see an infertility specialist.  We knew something was wrong after the first ectopic... so why didn't we force the issue then??  10 years ago?  I am so mad at myself for not doing something about it back then.  And here I am, 35... trying to get pregnant!  You know the success rates decrease drastically beginning at the age of 35!!!  Maybe I'm just cooped up and bored and going crazy with researching this stuff on the internet.  I'm freaking out!  What if it doesn't work AGAIN this time?  Of course, John says we can try one more time, but I am not getting any younger, and our pocketbook is not getting any thicker!  If we try again, it won't be until after summer because we've got too many things planned in between.  So... there you go... I'll be 36!  OMG... I need to unplug for a few days and rest this crazy brain!

On another note... I had my last no ovulate shot this morning.  Tonight I am scheduled for my trigger shot (the shot that triggers the eggs to detach from the walls of the follicles so it's easier for the RE to catch them during egg retrieval).  I'm patiently waiting 2 more hours to give myself this shot, but I'd really rather knock myself out for the next 38 hours!  Haha!  I absolutely, must find something to do tomorrow to keep myself sane and occupied.  This staying at home crap and browsing the interweb is doing me no good!!!!!!

Friday, January 24, 2014

So what's going on in there????

We are coming up on completion of the first sport of the Winter IVF Olympics.  Today was the last check on our fluffy little follicles.  I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the scan but I would call it "ok" news.  Since John couldn't come with me, I asked a good friend to join me.  I get really emotional at these appointments sometimes, so it was nice to have her there to calm my nerves.  I went in today thinking whatever happens, happens... we will work with what we have and it will be wonderful.  I prepared myself for the possibility of less follicles just like last time... but if it happened, I wasn't sure how I'd react.

Our first look was at the right ovary.  My heart sunk as I scanned the white and black blobs on the monitor.  I couldn't find all 4 of my follicles!  Had they disappeared just like last time?  There were 2 nice sized ones measuring about 17/18mm (I think 24 is about as big as they want them before retrieving the eggs).  The other 2 weren't even noticeable on the screen because they just weren't growing.  I could see them now that he pointed them out... but they were uber tiny!!!  In fact he didn't even count them on my chart today :(.  That pretty much set the tone for the rest of my time in his office.  I couldn't even hear what he was saying to me after that.  Thank goodness for my friend who gave me a recap later.

On to the left ovary.  We immediately see 4 FAT follies!!!  Those were obviously the original ones and they were doing very well!  One has even grown to 21mm!  He slid the probe over slightly and up popped 3 more follies!  Small, but not as small as the 2 on the right side.  They are still questionable and I don't know if the doctor has much hope for them.  But we still have 3 days left of FSH.  You just never know.  So in total... 11 follicles- 2 good ones and 2 unproductive ones on the right... 4 good ones and 3 small ones on the left.

I think we can work with that :)

Our Easter- Egg Retrieval is scheduled for Wed early early!!!!!

IVF Olympics

I get a bunch of questions about the games involved in the IVF Olympics, but I don't think I've actually ever explained them properly.  In order for you to understand what we're dealing with... I guess that's kind of important.  So here I will give you a brief as possible description of MY take on the whole thing :).

First off... when deciding to participate in the IVF Olympics you must train!  You have to prepare your body to meet the challenges of each game.  In my case, I had to monitor my thyroid for several months and take a pill to get it back under control.  Luckily, during this years extreme training, I lost several pounds and the thyroid medication wasn't even needed for the Winter Games!!!  Training and preparing your body are super important!  2 years ago, I entered the IVF Olympics with an untrained body and unfortunately we lost that year :(.  3 things I did during training... removed the hindering tube that was leaking yucky fluid into the uterus, lost a bunch of weight, got my thyroid back under control!  I hope that means we are ready to play!!!

Onto the warmup!  This was only option and not all participants do it.  But we decided having the uterine lining scratched to help the embryos stick would be beneficial.  We've already done this but won't know if it was successful, obviously unless we win the overall games.  But I think it went well!

The first sport is a doozy!  Of course we must wait for our very famous Aunt Flo to join us, but once she's here... we can begin the production of eggs with the use of FSH (follicle stimulating hormones).  This is the shot I give myself every day.  On a normal cycle the ovaries will release only 1 egg.  But with the help of FSH, you can produce 10-20-30!!!!  This process takes about 2 weeks.  The object is to make as many eggs as possible within that 2 weeks but also hope for good quality!  Rule of thumb... quality over quantity.  It is a little disheartening though when you find out you have a small quantity.  But as everyone keeps telling me, you only need ONE to win the overall games!  The eggs grow inside fluid filled sacs called follicles.  Since the eggs can't be seen on an ultrasound, we will monitor the growth of the follicles instead.  Each follicle should contain 1 egg (but sometimes it may not have any at all).  As of our last appointment we saw 4 follicles on each ovary.  We go back in today to see if they've multiplied and grown bigger!  We measure them until they are big enough to release the eggs.  In the meantime, the FSH causes bloating, ovary pains, and mood swings.  You can see this is really not one of my favorite sports in the game :/.

When the follicles are finally big enough, we can move on to the next sport!!!!  Harvesting the eggs!  We will schedule a surgery for the doctor to go in with a long skinny needle to suck out the fluid from each follicle hoping to catch several eggs.  They should let us know that same day how many eggs were retrieved.  The same morning, the husband makes his contribution and while I am sleeping, the eggs and sperm will be combined.  In our case, we go the extra mile and have each egg injected with an individual sperm to heighten our chances of success.  Otherwise they are just put together in a dish and left to "have at it".  The surgery doesn't take too long and we can go home a few hours later.  There is some discomfort and swelling, but it'll hopefully be all worth it!

And with that, we have the next sport... embryo creation!  This is mainly a spectators sport.  Since the eggs and sperm have already been collected, we just get to watch and wait.  And the waiting can be painful too.  Over the next few days they will be monitored until they 1. fertilize, and 2. divide.  Some eggs won't fertilize and we'll lose them.  Others will fertilize but not divide so we lose those too.  It's all in chance I guess.  We just hope for the best and wait for the phone call telling us how many GOOD quality embryos we have remaining.

Once we know how many embryos we have, we'll plan for the next sport... TRANSFER!  This sport is super exciting!  We get to decide how many embryos we want to put back in.  We will choose 3 if we have that many.  If we have extras, they will be frozen for future games if we don't win this round.  We go back into the arena and the doctor gently places the embryos into the uterus.  That's it.  It's up to the embryos now to swim around and find a cozy spot along the wall to bury.  This is why our friends say "sticky embryos.. or sticky baby dust wishes".  Stick babies... stick!!!!!  This is probably the funnest cheer we do throughout the games :).

That was the last sport really, unless you consider the 2 weeks of waiting for your results.  During those 2 weeks, we try to relax and not do anything too strenuous.  I usually have it in my head that I could cause the embryos to fall out, but I don't think that really happens.  They just die I guess... and stop dividing :(.  But hopefully we make some strong quality embryos this year!  If so... we get to move on to the IVF Pregnancy Olympics!!!!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Well Hello Blog...

Apparently I only update this thing when we do IVF.  Ooopsie!  So anyways... here we are.. at it again.  Knocked down a couple of times (still not knocked UP), but getting back up and trying again.  Haha... see what I did there???  This time just feels different though.  I mean it always feels different, but I'm in a better place with my life now.  I hosted a weight loss challenge, which not only helped other girls... but myself too.  I lost 17lbs!  That felt amazing because I was in a huge rut since John got home from his vacation at the beach.  It's always so easy to lose weight when he's gone because I'm working for him.  But once he's here... I get happy and "comfortable" and don't really care about it much anymore.  The weight loss challenge gave me something to work towards again!  It also helped me get to know a few more people and really connect!  I've made lots of new friends through it and grew stronger relationships with some I've known all along.  Happy friendships make Paige a happy girl :).  There was a short period there where I felt lost.  I just didn't know where I belonged.  But I think I've found my happy place and it's helped me understand myself a little better too.  Anyways... along with the weight loss, I also joined a running group.  It's still a Love-Hate kind of relationship, but it's growing on me, and I'm even starting to enjoy it!  I've done 4 races over the last 6 months!  2 5k's and 2 4k's.  The first 5k was a color run on post.  I had a really rough time completing it and had to walk some.  It took me over 40 minutes, I don't even remember the time.  But this weekend, we did another one in Dinkelsbuhl that included several rolling hills.  I managed to run the entire thing (full of fertility meds and bloated as a puffer fish)... in 32:51.  I know it's still slow, but I was satisfied that I completed it.

And onto the whole reason for this post.  We made a huge decision this summer.  We decided the doctor we were going to just wasn't the right fit.  He is an amazing doctor though.  He's smart and has had great success rates.  New patients have to wait months to get in to see him.  I know a few people who have come home with their own souvenirs from working with him.  But he just wasn't our kind of doctor.  He was a fast talker and really didn't have much time to explain the nitty gritty details with us during our appointments.  He was always rushing off to see his next patient because there was a waiting room full of Mama's knocking at his door.  It was time for us to move on.  I emailed a clinic in Nurnburg that I'd heard about and they called me back the next day.  The doctor we were given... I think was a great match.  I don't even have to ask him any questions.  It's like he knows what I'm thinking before I have time to ask it.  He took the time to answer all of my smallest worries on the first day we met.  I feel strong when I walk into his office.  Like I'm in control.  This is my procedure and he knows I'm spending a lot of money on it.  So he won't leave the room until I'm done.

We waited until after the New Year to get started!  I went in for the scratching procedure one week before my period.  Basically he scratched the lining of my uterus which makes it have to regenerate and fix itself which in turn helps the embryos stick!  It was a little painful, and kind of sent my emotions into a frenzy.  The next few days I was a little bit of a basket case.  I was nervous and pretty much just PMS'ing.  John couldn't talk to me.  I had several panic attacks and started freaking out about the money.  I had to pull out 1700 euro for my shots and that didn't even include the doctors bill that will come later.  My period came, and I managed to put my happy face back on.  We started our shots this past Thursday!  I went in to see the doctor on Day 5.  Without having to ask any questions at all, he started explaining what everything was on the ultrasound monitor.  He showed us that my lining was around 8.3 thickness.  I guess anything over 7 is good!  Then he showed us 4 follicles on the right side.  He measured the biggest one and said it was about 8mm.  We also had about 3-4 on the left side.  I feel like 7-8 is a good number to start with.  I know last time we had 7 as well and they reduced to 5, but I have strong hopes that that won't happen again.  Hopefully these 7-8 will grow big and all have healthy eggs inside.  And who knows... maybe we'll even see a few stragglers in the basket on Friday!  In any case, we've decided to carry out the procedure no matter what this time.  We only need 3 good eggs for transfer day.  3 because that is all they allow you to put back in.  And we are all in!  John took away some of the pressure by telling me we didn't have to go into this thinking it was our last shot anymore.  He is willing to cross that bridge when we come to it.  So that made me feel a lot better.  Not thinking about how much money we will be spending on it anymore, because those babies will make it all worth it :)

Friday, September 6, 2013

Parking Lot Decisions...

Today was supposed to be a great day.  I went in there hoping for my 15 fluffy follicles to find out we lost a few soldiers in the battle.  How does that happen????  We went from 7 to 5.  Ok... 5 sounds like a good number to work with right?  But in the questionable world of IVF/ICSI... it's a really poor number.  During egg retrieval we would more than likely lose at least half of that.  On our last round, we went into retrieval day with 8.  Even then, I had doubts about going through with it in fear of not having enough eggs.  We ended up with only 4 eggs... 3 that fertilized and NONE to freeze.  This time, Dr. V did suggest we continue this weekend with our shots and check again on Monday.  But... he's not the one spending the money.  We sat in the car in front of the Apotheke trying to figure out what we should do.  My heart was telling me 5 just isn't enough.  We flipped a coin a few times, but it kept saying we should continue.  But, if we continue with the shots, we'd have to go into that Apotheke and spend another 600 euro on top of the 1400 we've already spent on shots.  That's ALOT of money to throw away when your heart is telling you NO.  I didn't listen to my heart last time... and where did that get me?  Right here where I am now.  So we decided, in the parking lot, to throw out those prescriptions and go back into the office to let them know we are canceling this round.  I was given 2 more prescriptions to cancel the cycle and we must wait for my new "cycle" to start again.  Alles Gute.  I'm having my cry today... but I'm looking forward to enjoying Oktoberfest this year with my husband.. and a visit from his Aunt and Uncle.  Maybe next time :)

Thursday, September 5, 2013

What IF????

Today we are on Day 8 of hormone shots and stimming.  On Monday we went in to check on the follies.  After 4 shots... we had 7 growing.  I was super excited about that number, but my Dr. seemed a  little bit disappointed :/.  He wanted to see at least 10 by then.  So he prescribed me a second shot- menopur.  The rest of the day went great!  I had my first acupuncture, and positive vibes surrounded me.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling FAT.  My stomach expanded overnight and hasn't gone down since.  My mood has gone from happy and bubbly... to blah and run down.  I'm blaming it on the second shot for sure!  I haven't done much this week at all.  But it has definitely been relaxing.  And I guess that's what my body wants and needs for these follicles to grow.  Tomorrow we'll go back in to check on them.  The Dr. wants around 14 follicles before retrieval day.  So I'm hoping, hoping, hoping all this tiredness and bloating is because there are FIFTEEN!!!!  Please let there be fifteen!!!!!!  I can't say the negative energy hasn't started to sneak back into my thoughts... because it has.  I keep questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing spending this money.  It's so much harder to wrap my head around now that Tricare isn't involved in an ounce of the treatments.  I'm angry that they took it away!  And even angrier it didn't work last time when some of it was covered.  I just keep thinking 10k down the drain?  What if!  But then again... what if we get our babies and my dream of having twins comes true.  It WILL be worth it!  I guess there is no sense worrying about things that I have no control over... but I just can't help it.  I don't want to be an empty nester when I'm 38.  I'm not done being a mommy!  I was on Pinterest the other day and saw someone I was following posting all these cute little lunchbox ideas.  Silly... but it really got me excited!  Cute little animal cut outs made of cheese!  Sandwiches shaped like airplanes!  Apple slices and blueberries made into an American Flag!  I turned to Aidan and said... would you be embarrassed if I made you a lunch like this?  He just shook his head and said... um... YES!  All of the fun kiddie things are over with him.  I know there are a lot more things to come... but I'm just not done with the fun kiddie things... and I want to do it again.  Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!