35 is going to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

At least I can hope!  My 30's have been my best years so far.  I have my boys (although a pain in the ass sometimes) who love me.  My business that rocks!  We live in Germany... and my Husband is HOME this year!  So I decided to celebrate in style!  I had been planning this circus styled shoot for a while and what better day than to shoot it on my Birthday!!!  It was amazing.  Everything turned out better than I had imagined.  It went from a field to a super cool barn in just a few short weeks!  J built a swing to hang from the rafters and my friend E helped hang the curtains and translate for me with the barn owner.  C did such an awesome job with hair and makeup, and the models were beautiful!  I got a little nervous when the first model was almost done with hair and makeup... that I started to panic and rush them.  As I was heading out, Aidan came home with his new ROTC uniform and told me he did not get promoted today.  I felt sad for him and went to console him.  Then he showed me his tab!  He DID get promoted to PVT!!  What a little jokester.  I was so excited that I actually cried.  Maybe it was the hormones from receiving probably the best birthday present ever (IVF to commence the next day), or the excitement from the day... but I couldn't contain myself.  I found J on the front steps and cried some more.  Haha!

We arrived at the barn and dumped my car full of props and arranged them.  They went so well with the curtains!  I got all giddy and happy!  We popped a second bottle of champagne before starting and toasted to what would be my most favorite shoot ever!  Everyone left J and I alone to work.  I had a few duh moments with posing, but J rocked it out!  The second model arrived and everyone else followed (including the German boys who wanted to watch the commotion).  We had a blast!  When it was over, we disassembled the barn and tried to put all of his things back to where they were when we came in.  With everyones help it took only 20 minutes!  I added up the costs of the shoot, and I believe I spent maybe about $400-$500 on everything.  Totally worth it!  Then we sat down and enjoyed an awesome dinner prepared by E and a cake made by my boys!

The day went perfectly even though I woke up feeling defeated and discouraged.  The one thing I needed to happen before starting IVF again was 3 days overdue.  I never thought I'd be so happy to see her later that morning and my mood changed so quickly when she did!  Such a weird thing to be excited about... but I embraced every cramp knowing we'd get to start the whole process the following day!

On Thursday, I made the one hour trip to Erlangen alone.  J had to fly, and I was not waiting until Friday to get this thing started!  The Dr. did an ultrasound and said the lining was thin enough to begin my Puregon injections.  He started me on a much higher dose than last time- 225 ie's per day!  He says he would like to see at least 12 follicles this time but 20 would be overstimulating.  It's funny... but the day after my first shot, I could feel little twinges in my ovaries.  I know that means they are growing!  I've always been able to tell when I'm ovulating... but last time I didn't remember feeling these twinges until much later.  I am super excited and nervous to see what he has to say on Monday when we go back in!  Hoping for at least 5 follicles by then... but I know some take longer to show up.

This is our time.  We are ready for our babies... and I will have them when I'm 35.  35 is going to be fantastic!  Or at least I hope!!!

Loved

Now that the word is out and everyone knows what is going on, I'm getting a lot of beautiful emails, words of encouragement, and virtual hugs.  I appreciate every one of you.  It is a relief off my shoulders to know that people understand what we're going through.  And this is exactly why I decided to announce it.  I did put it out there to my clients as well... and that may have been a little awkward in the moment.  BUT... for me, I'd rather them know than ask questions about my flakiness during this time.  I was feeling guilty turning away sessions with just a quick response of "I'm taking some time off".  Especially since I've taken so much time off the last 5 months with J being home.  I know, I know... no one needs an explanation about my private life.  But, this was a step I felt I needed to relieve a little more stress so I can focus on babies and only babies.  So I have no doubts about doing it :).

Now that you know!  Here are a couple of things to know about my feelings towards the subject and things you can do to help!

     Ask questions if you want to!  Don't be shy!  Or feel like you're being nosey.  I love talking about it and explaining the details of the procedure.  It's exciting and amazing!  And crazy that we can even do this!

     This one is tough, because I know you all want to help and give suggestions.  And I do appreciate that you are thinking about me and wanting this to actually work this time!!!  But you have to remember, this is not our first time.  We've been going through secondary infertility for about 13 years now.  I've done my research, and I have a few girls that I ask questions to if I need to that are extremely helpful (Love my Dr. V's girls).  One who even had our same problem with the tube.  So she is my light at the end of the tunnel.  Thankyou babe... you know who you are ;).  So if you want to reach out to me... just tell me you're thinking of me... no need to give advice.  I promise you I've probably already heard it.  Sorry :/  I know that sounds ungrateful... and that's not how it's meant.

     Give me some time to process your messages.  I might "see" your message on facebook and not reply.  But I promise I'm not ignoring you.  There are just so many, and I feel like I don't have the words to reply without sending off an automated response.  I want to give each of you a nice reply, but I am just not that eloquent with words.  And I don't want to diminish your beautiful message by just saying "Thankyou".


Anyways... just a few thoughts I had this morning that I thought I'd share.  I feel loved and blessed today.  Off to my acupuncture consult!  Yay!

  

I'm ready!!!!!!

I'm slacking.  I haven't blogged in several months.  I haven't caught you all up on the adventures we've had (and there have been many since my beau returned- Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Belgium, Spain, France, Switzerland... seriously... who's life is this????).  These past 5 months have just slipped on by! But if you follow me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen all of the pictures... so lets call it even :).

But here's what I want to talk about tonight.  We've been putting it off.  It's been about a year and a half since our last round of fertility CRAP (that failed).  But we're ready now.  We are tube free... yup... only a uterus to work with.  We made the huge decision to remove it last year.  Sex for procreation?  Um... not this girl.  The only sex we're gonna have is for fun!  Hehe!  But on the serious side... it really was a tough decision to make.  It meant we can never expect a miracle.  Removing the tube meant we will never make a baby on our own.  I felt like I was lost from the world... lost my "womanhood".  But... on the other hand... that left over tube was hindering us from our want for more children.  I blame the failed IVF on that stupid tube.  I was scared to start again, but we finally have a gap of time that we can dedicate to my little ole womb.

I wanted to keep it private this time.  It was so hard to tell people that it didn't work last time.  It hurt so much to say "Nope... no baby this time".  And to hear people say "Be grateful you already have one child".  Hello???!!!???  What exactly are you saying?  I'm not grateful for having A?  Of course I am dummy!  I love that kid more than anything in this world!  But... it doesn't lessen my pain of wanting another child.  Time is slipping away.  He'll be graduating in a few years and I'm just not done being a mommy yet!  And J didn't have enough time being a daddy.  Shit... he was practically gone for half of it!  I see that little glimmer in his eye when we talk about having another baby.  I was ok with this being over.  But he insisted on one more round.  "Just one more try" he said.  So... no matter how much it costs (thank you Tricare)... I want to give this to him.   I want to give it to myself!  I want to give it to A.  He needs a sibling.  And we need a baby darn it!

So today we started!  Day 15 of our cycle.  We did a "scratching" procedure which is supposed to help the embryos stick when it's time for embryo transfer.  I had my depot shot and should start the next cycle in about 8 days... according to the nurse.  From there we stimulate the eggies!  We couldn't be more excited.  I can't stop thinking about our little babies.  And John randomly interjects with name suggestions... and how they are all going to be boys.  ALL???  Apparently we are having twin or triplet boys. This is just today.  Tomorrow I might be a mess.  Who knows.  

Ear to Ear

If you saw me driving around town today you probably laughed at the expression on my face. I smiled huge on my way home from Base this afternoon. I ran into so many awesome people while running my weekly errands. Every one of them gave me a compliment that made me beam with pride. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. I remember growing up, I was very shy. I sat in the corner watching the "cool kids" interact and dreamed of being one of them. I guess you could say I was kind of nerdy. I STILL AM NERDY! But that is one of things that makes me ME. I like to have fun. I'm giggly and "think" I'm funny. Probably not... but I can laugh at myself, and I think that's a great trait to have. Sure... there are loads of things to be SAD about. We've been through a lot in the last couple of years. And I do mean a lot. But guess what... I don't want to dwell on it. Yes, my husband is gone for the fifth time. Yes... our IVF failed. Yes... yes... yes to a bunch of other worse things even. Of course there are those days I just want to sit and cry in my pillow. But guess what I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE! Who gets these opportunities? I don't want these next 2 years to slip out from under me. So... if you see me running around with a giant smile on my face... maybe you can just smile back. I don't have time for frowny faces ok?

It's NOT Working!! Or is it??

I confess... I am a daily scale checker. I just can't help myself. At one point my weight even went up 4 lbs from my original starting point. What a frustrating way to do this. Every week I check the scale and have only seen about a pound difference. I was convinced my workouts weren't enough this time, so I invested in a heavy bag and have been taking out my frustrations on it. I also dug out an old step from the attic and had a time learning the moves again while tripping over my feet. This morning I weighed myself again and the scale is finally moving in the direction I want it to. 5 lbs gone! My goal was 10 for this month and I still have a week left. I'm sure with our trip to Majorca, that's going to be a little more difficult than expected, and I might even put a few back on. But I'm going to try my darndest not to! It's awesome what the power of a pound can do for your motivation! Trying to stay positive and not give up! Week 4 begins today!!!

Ready for change...

10 years ago I was on a mission to lose weight while John was deployed in Iraq.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  I followed a strict diet and did my workout program every day.  I wanted to get sexy for my John-o before he came back.  I even carried my workouts with me on vacation.  I lost 40 lbs. 

You look at me now and ask... how do you go back to living like this after you lost so much weight?  Trust me, it wasn't planned, and I wasn't happy about it.  John came home and I tried to stick to the program.  But it was too easy to go out to eat or skip a workout while he was home.  I'm not blaming it on him at all.  But here is the real truth.  Shortly after his return, we found out we were pregnant again.  It was a miracle baby.  We had been trying for about 4-5 years for this.  We were thrilled.  I even continued to do my workouts to keep my body as healthy as possible.  A couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed some spotting.  I went to the doctor and was told that I was probably having an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't believe it, and I fought to keep the pregnancy.  I kept coming back for blood tests every day to make sure my levels were normal.  But they were far from normal and it was a lost cause.  The doctor gave me the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy.  It didn't work and I was in the emergency room twice complaining of severe abdominal pain.  They kept saying I was fine and that I just needed to go home and get some rest.  I felt like I was dying.  I had John bring me back one more time because I knew something wasn't right.  But the doctors couldn't figure it out by ultrasound, so they decided to go in by laproscopy to assess the situation.  Come to find out, my tube had burst and I was bleeding a slow death (well... this is my conclusion from the excruciating pain I was feeling).  They had to cut me open along the old c-section scar to remove the pieces and clean up the mess.  When I woke up, John was over me and asked me if they spoke to me.  They hadn't yet, so he had to break the bad news to me that my tube was gone.  I was horrified.  All I could think of was that I could not have anymore babies because of it.  They didn't do a very good job of stitching me up because the wound got infected very quickly.  So they had to cut it open a little more to let it heal.  My recovery was not fast.  It took me months to heal, and even longer to come to terms with it.  I was depressed, and I gave up on workout out or eating right.  I became comfortable with my new way of living and I had no determination to get my body back.

Here I am world.  182 lbs.  I've been happy the last few years with my life.  I'm in Germany seeing the world.  I have an amazing husband who does anything to make me happy (even when he's gone).  I have a successful photography business.  And awesome friends.  The only thing that could make me happier would be getting pregnant.  But I've already written about that, so I won't talk more about it now.  Anyways, a few days ago I was photographing a friend.  She inspired me.  I don't know what it was... but something just "clicked".  I want that back.  I want my old body back.  I did it once before, why can't I do it again?  And I have 3 months until John comes for a visit.  The program I did last time was exactly 3 months.  I have to do it.  I know I have to do it for ME... but I want to do it for him too.  It's got to be hard watching your spouse slip away.  He hasn't changed in my eyes.  He's still just as sexy and attractive to me as the day I met him.  A little older, but that just makes him sexier to me.  So.. here I am starting my new journey.  I hope people can be supportive and understanding.  It was easier last time when I was cooped up in my house with no friends.  And I know there will be temptations this time around.  And I hope that my body takes to this new routine soon.  I'll report back in 30 days and let you all know how it's going ;)

World Travelers...

What's new.  Lets see... I had my surgery, and we are taking a little break from IVF until after summer. I don't want to be depressed with that crap all summer.  I'd rather be spending it traveling with my "almost" TEENAGER!!!  J-boy went on his bi-annual field trip to the desert.  This one feels like it could go by much quicker than the last (for Aidan and I at least).  Not sure I can say the same for J.  He misses flying, and I don't blame him.  Who could be happy being a desk jockey for 6 months (or more)?  Waste of a good pilot if you ask me.  At least this gives him the opportunity to go back to school.  He's such a smarty too!

But ANYWAY....... 

Aidan and I are at it again.  Traveling, keeping busy, passing the time until he returns.  Last time it was a visit with the folks in AZ and a visit with my BFF in Hawaii.  This time we are at it alone.  No plans to visit friends or family... just to get to know this beautiful land.  It's so easy to hop in the car and drive 6 hours to Paris, or 5 hours to Italy.  Or even a cheap Ryan Air flight to some place I've never even heard of before.  Why not?  The only obstacle is kenneling the hunds.  But even that isn't very difficult.  Ok... maybe it could get expensive (Thankyou photography chump change!), but if we plan it just right we can see half of this place by the time he comes home and the other half when he is here.

Before John left we did Paris for block leave.  Amazingness.  I took a couple of girl trips without Aidan.  Poland to shop for Polish Pottery.  I loved the cute little B&B we stayed at (Blue Beetroot).  And a ladies trip to Amsterdam... love the canals there!  But Italy?!?!  Wow!  Aidan and I tackled the west coast all on our own.  I was so nervous about doing it... but we dove in head first and made a great adventure out of it.  We ate the most amazing pasta in Cinque Terre and road peddle boats in the Italian Riviera.   I've never seen water so clear as we saw on the Island of Sardinia.  Stintino was like a giant natural swimming pool.  We did the touristy things too... saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Leonardo Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in Milan.  I hope this kid remembers what an experience it was.  I know it would have been better had Dad been with us.  But there will be plenty more to see later.  I remember seeing the Grand Canyon when I was young.  I thought it was pretty cool... but I'm not sure I appreciated it as much as I would if I saw it now.  I am thankful to my parents for taking us to see it, and for the memories, but I don't remember having the goosebumps I get now when I see things like that.  I actually cried when I saw the Mona Lisa even though it was so much smaller than I had expected.  John laughed at me and the two of them got a kick out of joking on me about it later.  I can't help it.  I am a sentimental girl and yeah... i cry over spilled milk :P .  

We are home for a few weeks now... relaxing and giving the checkbook a break.  Doing a couple of sessions to help pay for our adventures.  But at the end of the month, we are off to Austria with a bunch of cool girls.  Aidan is excited to see the Salt mines in Salzburg.  And I'm excited to see Vienna!  I'm also hoping for a trip to Gran Canaria in August as a Happy Birthday to ME getaway.  We'll see though.  

That's pretty much that!  Counting down the days until my best friend returns... miss him madly.