Possibilites...

All of this waiting around, constantly thinking about what could or could not happen... finally just made my head stop. One day I was happy and excited about the possibility of being pregnant. The next I was in tears thinking about what would happen if I wasn't. It has really just been confusing and exhausting. I try to be positive in my comments about it... but I know I probably just sound like a bitter old hag at this point. So I apologize to my fertility posse... you know who you are ;). Today I woke up with nothing. No feelings about it either way. Either I'm pregnant or I'm not. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. So what is the point in even trying to imagine what my reaction will be on Monday. A few days ago I was looking for any sign I could find to tell me I was either pregnant or not. Then I realized any symptom I had could be construed in two different ways. For instance.. cramping could be either from the embryos implanting... or it could also be a period on it's way or even just a side effect of the progesterone. There is no point in obsessing over this or looking for those little signs. We will know in good time. Very glad that this 2 week wait is coming to an end. Less than 48 hours until we know what is in store for us. If we are pregnant... GREAT!!! If not... We've already decided we will try one more time immediately before things get too hectic around here. Of course... still wishing we won't have to :).

Waiting... Waiting... WAITING...

The last week has been the longest week EVER. It has been exactly one week since they put my 3 beautiful little embryos back in. We have 4 days left of waiting. It doesn't seem like very long... but it is an agonizing wait for me. 12 years all rolled into this little week and a half. So many scenarios are running through my mind. If it works and we have 2 babies just like we wanted... how excited will we be... or will we even believe it. If it doesn't work... who will I be? I've already decided to take that week off just in case. I know if it doesn't happen I will be a mess. I wish it were easy to see the signs either way. I wish I "felt" pregnant. But I still just feel bloated from all the drugs pumped into my body. I finally had my last progesterone shot last night. Thank goodness those are over. I did not enjoy them one bit. I had a little bit of cramping a few days ago... but that seems to be gone now too and I just feel FAT. At least I can finally button my pants again... but I was disappointed in myself on Tuesday while shooting my session. I was panting like a dog in heat. I could barely breathe. I think it's slowly going back to normal though. I just need some patience. Calm, relaxing, patience until Monday. But I/WE really want this. I think we deserve this. I know we do.

Sticky Buns...

My awesomely, incredible friend Claudia offered to drive me to my appointment in Nurnberg on Monday. She drove all the way out to my house with a big pan of beef and cheese enchiladas for Aidan and I to eat for dinner. She really is an awesome friend... and I feel blessed to have her! She kept my mind occupied on the drive up to the office. When we arrived, we immediately found parking in the close parking lot! Great... because I didn't have to walk far when the procedure was done! We went up to the 1st floor and they sent us up to the third floor. There we sat at a small coffee table. We laughed because we felt like at any minute we would be served crumpets and tea. Hahaha! The anesthesiologist came out to ask me a few questions. What are you allergic to, have you had any surgery... bla bla bla. Can you eat Soy Sauce? HUH??? Apparently the medication they use has the same base. I thought that was odd...but ok! She asked me to go back downstairs to use the restroom one more time. It was funny because there was a line of girls doing the same thing. While I stood by the bathroom door waiting for my turn... Dr. V came out of his office. I gave him a little school girl wave and he rubbed me on the shoulder. It was good to see a smile on his face... especially knowing that he was about to possibly get me pregnant...LOL!

I went BACK upstairs and one of the nurses came out to have me finish filling out the paperwork. She asked me to go BACK downstairs to drop off my 2500 euro. I think they were just trying to make me work out. I was exhausted from walking up and down those stairs all morning. Finally around 10:45, the anesthesiologist came back out and got me. I wasn't sure what to expect, and I feel bad because poor little Claudia had to sit out in the waiting room with the other husbands. They didn't allow anyone to go back there but the patient. I went into this tiny room where she gave me a knee length shirt. It had stripes. I remember thinking... am I going to jail? Later I noticed the other girls had plain blue ones with a little bow in the front. Probably because they were skinnier. Haha... the fat girls always get the moo moo dresses :(. She then gave me an IV and asked me to walk into the next room where I climbed up onto the table and put my legs in the stirrups. She covered my girlie parts with a sheet until it was time to do the procedure. She switched my IV out with the sleepy stuff and said... "Night night... sweet dreams". I closed my eyes and drifted of to sleep quickly. It took me a few days to remember what I dreamed about, but I finally did. I was in a Facebook contest and I won a Camera. Haha! Next best thing to babies I guess for me!

When they woke me, I was already in a new room with 3 German girls. The first thing I said was.. "How long was that". Someone said it was an hour and that I had to stay in the new room for another hour. Some of them gave me the evil eye, but I rolled over and pretended not to see. I kept thinking about Claudia sitting in the waiting room bored out of her mind. I was soo grateful to have her there, but also missed John. After all... if this works, that would have been the day of Conception! I laid there for my hour, the whole time holding my belly. I guess I don't take to pain very well because I was cramping a lot and the other girls seemed to be just fine. I was the last one to finish my IV, and they finally sent me on my way with a slip of paper that told me how many eggs they retrieved. 4 out of 8 made it out. I had hoped for more... but this was ok. I met Claudia in the waiting room and we headed to the pharmacy.

She then took me to China Wok. I hadn't eaten since the night before and I was starving. Scarfed down my food like no one's business. Then home. Aidan just got home too and he gave me a quick little look... glad you're alive mommy. He was so nervous the previous night thinking I wouldn't wake up. What a joker that boy is!!! The rest of the evening I spent mostly lying around in bed. I know a bunch of girls are fine after this procedure but for me, I've never done well with stomach pains or cramping... so the bed was the place for me.

The next morning I received a phone call from the office telling me that my eggs were not fertilizing. I immediately started crying and thinking this was such a waste of time and money. But my support group picked me up and I was actually ready to start again right away. I had to wait one more day though "just in case". On Wed I got another phone call from the office. I wasn't excited about this one, but the nurse sounded enthusiastic. "Misses Kimball!!! I have good news!!! 3 of the eggs have fertilized!!" I didn't know what to say. I questioned the quality of the embryo's since it took them longer than normal to fertilize, but I agreed that it was worth a shot to implant them. She called me again later and asked me if I could come in Thursday morning for the transfer. My buns were going back in the oven!!! John wasn't scheduled to return home until Thursday evening, so again, my good friend Claudia accepted my request for her to join me. This time they allowed her to come into the room with me and she watched as they put my little embryo's back in. It was quick and simple and I had 15 minutes of lying flat on my back before I left.

Claudia was worried about me walking around and wanted to get me home as quickly as possible, but I had to make a pit stop at the commissary for a Pineapple! I was told the core of the pineapple helps with implantation. So I've been eating it for the past 3 days. I'm kind of sick of pineapple now. That's pretty much it. Now we wait. The big day is Feb 13th. There are so many things rolling around in my head. I just know that if this doesn't work, I will be devastated. But I know my friends and family will be there for me, and luckily I have John by my side this time. We love our little Aidan... but I don't want to have an empty nest in only 6 years from now. We want more children. Aidan wants a brother or sister... or both. I know there's nothing we can do about it. I'm trying to be patient... but it's hard. REALLY HARD!!!!

A Year In-Between...

I was just sitting here thinking about the title of my blog and how appropriately it has reflected our life. I originally named it before the last deployment. It was intended to be a diary that he could come to while he was away for that year. I knew I would continue to write when he returned, but I was worried the title would not fit anymore. But... it still does. Over our 13 years of marriage, we have shared 3 together. The timing of his training activities/deployments/field exercises.. always lands on our anniversary for some reason. He once said to me... "Hunny... it would not be our anniversary if I was home". This is soo true. I don't even know how we would celebrate it. Our first anniversary together was shared when I had to take emergency leave to see my grandmother in the hospital. Shortly after we left her, she passed away. The second anniversary we shared was in Ft. Rucker. It was the night before he went to SERE... so he was frantically packing up his bags. The third anniversary we shared was at Ft. Campbell. That was the night before he left me again for High Altitude training... so he was consumed with anticipation then as well. Oct 23, 1997. That is the only day that matters. It was a PERFECT day. We skipped on over to the courthouse in downtown Fayetteville and were wed by a country man. Our vows were unique. When the justice of the peace read them to us, we both confused his words for "In richness and in property". And we BOTH repeated them that way. We then went with a couple of my friends for an IHOP celebratory breakfast. Next, John and I went on our barracks honeymoon. Beer, pizza, and movies. To me... that was the perfect day.

I'm getting off track here. My point is... it is not only A Year Without Him. There are soo many times that he is gone during important life events. I'm not sure how we plan it this way... but it just happens. Today. I woke up wanting him here with me. I always wake up wanting him here. But today we might actually be conceiving a child (or two). It just seems odd that he's not here for that. Of course... I would not wait for this. We've been waiting for this for 12 years. It's time... and so what if it landed at an inappropriate time? It's happening... and it has to work. I can't wait to make new life with him. It was so incredibly, awesome the first time. I just want/need more. And now I'm off to my surgery!!!

Change of Plans...

Just a little update. I went in on Tuesday and the doctor said he thought we'd have a better chance if we did ICSI instead of just IVF. The only difference is that instead of just putting the sperm and eggs in a dish and letting them fertilize themselves, he will actually inject each egg with a sperm to make sure it has a chance to fertilize. This also means more money (300 euro per egg). At this point, I don't care about the money anymore. If it doesn't work, yeah, then you will hear me whining. He checked my follicles (for those that don't know what a follicle is, it is basically a little house that each egg lives in until they have matured enough to move out... that's my vision anyway), and there are still 8. They are growing and I think when I went in today I heard him say the biggest was at 20 (whatever units they measure follicles by). I was a little concerned about the number of follicles because originally he told me that he wanted to see at least 10. But that was when we were doing IVF only. So "I think", now that we are doing ICSI a smaller number is ok. At least that was the impression I got from him. John is still away in Poland, so I was a little emotional this morning. I went in expecting to start the process all over again. But after talking it out a little more, I felt safe to say 8 was enough. If we started over and ended up with 15 eggs... I'd still have to make the decision whether or not I wanted to pay for all 15 eggs to be fertilized. And at 300 euro a pop... that's just too many! So I am betting my money on these 8 and hoping all of them make it to the final stages... pretty please! I was given another prescription of the Puregon hormone injections to use until Saturday. On Saturday night I will take a different injection which will induce ovulation. I am scheduled to go in on Monday morning for Ovum pickup! Since I will be under anesthesia, I was lectured on finding someone to drive me. Since John is away, my friend Claudia offered to take me. Boy am I nervous about all of the possible what ifs. What if the retrieval doesn't get all of the eggs and we end up with less? What if even less can be fertilized? What if the fertilized embryo's don't make it to implant day? What if all of this is for nothing? I know those are all risks associated with doing IVF/ICSI, but I can't help myself from thinking about them. It is going to be a long weekend!

Is this Really happening?

My brain doesn't shut off anymore. Some nights I can't fall asleep or even get tired until after 3am. I've always been a night owl, but here lately it has gotten worse. By the time I fall asleep, it's time for Aidan to get ready for school. After he leaves I am finally exhausted enough to get some real sleep. And then.... I sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Before I know it, the day is half way done, and I haven't accomplished anything AT ALL! When I know I have to get up early the next day, I find myself dosing up on pm's. I know they aren't good for me, but I don't know what else to do. I asked the doctor if it could have anything to do with the hormone injections. He nodded and said this was hard to diagnose, and I should know after the egg retrieval. Which leads me to one of the many things keeping my brain running...

After my first prescription of 100 units of Puregon, I returned to Dr. V to check on the follicles. He said they weren't progressing much and that they were very small, but that there were about 4 of them. So he upped my dose to 125/150 alternating days and I returned to see him again 5 days later. At that time he found that there were 8 follicles (the largest measuring at 12). On the left ovary there weren't many follicles and they were very small. But on the right side there were several more and larger. He still wants to see more follicles (at least 10) and growth. So he prescribed 175 units of Puregon per day and asked me to return in 6 days. He seemed very positive that we will be doing the Egg retrieval surgery this week.

I think this whole process is starting to hit me. I just realized that we are actually doing this! 3 months ago I was completely in the dark about the IVF process and it didn't even cross my mind that we would be doing it soo soon. I thought we would try injections only... but I had no idea we would actually be making PETRI DISH BABIES (yup... if it works I will be calling them petri dish baby 1 and 2). I'm freaking out a little. The money is a huge part. We have saved for a while, and it will be devastating to see that money go to waste if this doesn't work. I'm also scared to do this alone. John had to go off on a little adventure in Poland, so I'm stuck here to do the surgery without him. Yes, I have my friends... and I love them for wanting to be there for me. But I want/need HIM. I feel like he is often gone when I need him most. Oh... how loving a soldier can be soo satisfying, yet soo painful all at the same time. Argh... I miss him. Which leads me to the second reason my brain won't shut off...

My emotions are running wild. Maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's the hormone injections. But I can't seem to make it through one day without breaking down somewhere over something extremely retarded! John snatching a menu from my hand (REALLY????)... a sappy song on the radio (GAY!!!)... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? My god I feel like a moron! Crying in front of people I just met too (STOP!!!!). Anyways... yes... I am excited... but no... I am not getting my hopes up. I know how this works... I know it's not always in the cards. I want more babies. John wants more babies. But I don't believe it is really happening. How could it be when we have been trying for 12 years? 12 years of hoping... and 12 years of having that hope crushed. And... I'm laying it out there for everyone to see. Is that wrong of me to get people excited if it's just a shot in the dark? Ok brain... you can shut off now!

Open Book...

That's right... I am a huge open book. I don't care who knows our lives, our ups, our downs. I put it out there. Through blogging, through facebook, even an occasional hit on my business page. I figure if you don't care to know... you don't have to read it. But the way I see it, I have hundreds of friends who do care about what goes on in our life. They are excited to hear about our Germany adventures, our fertility treatments, my photography, what's happening with my pre-teen. I think we have a pretty interesting and amazing life. I love it... why not share my experiences with the world (or at least my friends and family)?

That being said... I'm just going to jump right into the TMI. John and I started seeing the fertility doctor just about a month ago. We hoped that we wouldn't have to do procedures like IVF. I was praying that all we needed was a little kick. Maybe a shot or two of those amazing fertility drugs they make these days. But after our first Ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, we found out that we don't have many options at all. I only have one tube remaining after the ectopic pregnancy. And well... it is completely blocked :(. So there is absolutely no way for the egg to travel down the tube or the sperm to travel up the tube. Our only option now is In Vitro Fertilization. I've always had it in the back of my mind, but didn't actually think we would go through with that so soon. We have a little money saved up, so decided to just go for it!

He started me off with a Monats-Depot shot. Don't ask me what that was for... but it made me bloated and bitchy.. and oddly hungry! I was told to come back in on day 2 of the next cycle... which was today! He did another ultrasound, more blood work, and prescribed me Puregon injections for the next 5 days. I am supposed to take 100 units each day. Let me just say... I put John in charge of the first injection and he jacked that all up. He gave me 175 instead of 100! Hahaha! What am I going to do with this boy? I told him he would have to suffer the wrath of the extra hormones he just gave me. You think this gives me a license to nag for the next few days??? Hehehe! Anyways... I go back in to see him again on Monday to check on the follicles. From there we decide if I need more or less units of the Puregon. The plan is to stimulate enough follicles so we have plenty to extract next month... but at the same time trying not to overstimulate my body. If that happens, I will have to give my body a little break before we can move on to the next step. And that could mean months. We don't have too much longer before this next movement... so I'm hoping to get this going as soon as possible!

I did want to touch on one more thing that I have noticed here. As an American, I was raised to hide my body from the world. So when it came time to see the OBGYN, I was always embarrassed to have my girly parts all out in the open. I even neglected to go in for my annual checkups because of that. The Germans are different with this kind of stuff. They definitely aren't ashamed. So when I see the Doctor here, there are no paper robes to hide behind, and you don't have a moment to re-dress yourself after he is done looking at you. He will let you know what needs to happen while you are getting dressed, and expects that you will be comfortable with that. At first I was a little taken by it and I was provided with a blanket to cover myself. But when I went in today, I had nothing. I sat on the table naked from the waist down. I looked over my shoulder once and realized that the nurse had even left the door to the reception area open. When the Doctor came in, he was followed by a female nurse AND another Male. It didn't seem to phase me much this time. I feel free and relaxed. Like I do not need to be ashamed of my body anymore. So I have a few fat rolls and stretch marks. Why does it matter as long as my husband loves me for ME.

TMI?