Sunday, January 22, 2012

Is this Really happening?

My brain doesn't shut off anymore. Some nights I can't fall asleep or even get tired until after 3am. I've always been a night owl, but here lately it has gotten worse. By the time I fall asleep, it's time for Aidan to get ready for school. After he leaves I am finally exhausted enough to get some real sleep. And then.... I sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Before I know it, the day is half way done, and I haven't accomplished anything AT ALL! When I know I have to get up early the next day, I find myself dosing up on pm's. I know they aren't good for me, but I don't know what else to do. I asked the doctor if it could have anything to do with the hormone injections. He nodded and said this was hard to diagnose, and I should know after the egg retrieval. Which leads me to one of the many things keeping my brain running...

After my first prescription of 100 units of Puregon, I returned to Dr. V to check on the follicles. He said they weren't progressing much and that they were very small, but that there were about 4 of them. So he upped my dose to 125/150 alternating days and I returned to see him again 5 days later. At that time he found that there were 8 follicles (the largest measuring at 12). On the left ovary there weren't many follicles and they were very small. But on the right side there were several more and larger. He still wants to see more follicles (at least 10) and growth. So he prescribed 175 units of Puregon per day and asked me to return in 6 days. He seemed very positive that we will be doing the Egg retrieval surgery this week.

I think this whole process is starting to hit me. I just realized that we are actually doing this! 3 months ago I was completely in the dark about the IVF process and it didn't even cross my mind that we would be doing it soo soon. I thought we would try injections only... but I had no idea we would actually be making PETRI DISH BABIES (yup... if it works I will be calling them petri dish baby 1 and 2). I'm freaking out a little. The money is a huge part. We have saved for a while, and it will be devastating to see that money go to waste if this doesn't work. I'm also scared to do this alone. John had to go off on a little adventure in Poland, so I'm stuck here to do the surgery without him. Yes, I have my friends... and I love them for wanting to be there for me. But I want/need HIM. I feel like he is often gone when I need him most. Oh... how loving a soldier can be soo satisfying, yet soo painful all at the same time. Argh... I miss him. Which leads me to the second reason my brain won't shut off...

My emotions are running wild. Maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's the hormone injections. But I can't seem to make it through one day without breaking down somewhere over something extremely retarded! John snatching a menu from my hand (REALLY????)... a sappy song on the radio (GAY!!!)... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? My god I feel like a moron! Crying in front of people I just met too (STOP!!!!). Anyways... yes... I am excited... but no... I am not getting my hopes up. I know how this works... I know it's not always in the cards. I want more babies. John wants more babies. But I don't believe it is really happening. How could it be when we have been trying for 12 years? 12 years of hoping... and 12 years of having that hope crushed. And... I'm laying it out there for everyone to see. Is that wrong of me to get people excited if it's just a shot in the dark? Ok brain... you can shut off now!

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