Straight to the Point.

It's almost like this is just getting old to me.  I don't feel like writing much about today so I'm going to keep it simple for documentation purposes.  Everything went smoothly.  Once we got to the clinic it was like hitting all the green lights on the way in.  I didn't have to stop a single time and wait.  Up on the table... told doc good luck and see you on the other side.  Woke up crying a teency bit and right away asked the nurse if I could leave.  She had me lay there for about 30 minutes and it was onto my followup visit with the doc.  He said they retrieved "at least" 6 eggs but that they were still looking around in the fluid in the dish.  So there is a possibility there are more and I can call to check on them tomorrow.  I asked a question about the HCG shot helping with implantation.  He prescribed me Brevactid and told me to take it on day 2 after the puncture, again the day after embryo Transfer, and again 3 days later.  He said basically what it does is forces your body to produce it's own progesterone.  I still have to take half of the dose of the actual progesterone pills... but my own natural progesterone should be better right?

Also last week when I had my mini breakdown in his office, I told him this was our last time, we can't afford it anymore and I wanted to know what we can do to assist implantation.  He suggested a method of "shaving" the embryo if it's outer layer (the zona) is too thick.  I registered it into the vault but didn't ask anymore questions.  Upon researching it further, I've concluded that he was talking about Assisted Hatching.  It is beneficial to older women (35 and above) who have problems with implantation due to lower quality embryos and hardening of the zona layer.  This concerned John because we aren't sure exactly what being a low quality embryo means.  Further research leads me to believe that the embryo quality only affects it's success of implantation.  I would like to assume that if the embryo had any other defects, my body would reject it naturally.  But I will confirm this idea with the doctor tomorrow and ask for other risk factors.  So... as of now... 6 eggs are fertilizing in a little petri dish :)

The Appointment.

This is the appointment that always has me frazzled.  Every time.  The one right before we schedule our Egg retrieval that basically makes me feel like my ovaries are failures because they aren't producing enough follicles.  There never is much difference even with the changing of medications.  Still about the same.  Today I went in for my second scan.  Guess what!  We have 13 total follicles!  This is more than we've ever had.  Only 8 seem healthy enough for retrieval... but even that is more than last time when I had 6 good sized ones.  So I can be satisfied with that.  4 fatties on each side.  2 skinnies on the right and 3 skinnies on the left.  We'll go with that.  Egg retrieval is scheduled for Freitag!

Three. Point. Five.

I'm back again!  Starting from scratch.  After the last round, I was at a complete loss.  I thought everything was going perfect and it was a sure thing.  But again it resulted in a big fat FAIL.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can take... but I'm forcing myself to complete one more round.  Forget about the $20,000 we've spent on this shit.  I want babies dammit.  I'm telling myself that this is the LAST round and we'll just have to accept whatever outcome.  But then again... I'm an addict.  I need babies in my life.  Our babies.  I refuse to be an empty nester before my 40's.  REFUSE!!!!  So please, please, please... let this be!!!

So... after every round, I find new things I should be doing to make sure everything is right.  I found out about this procedure called a hysteroscopy.  It's basically just a scope that goes in through your cervix to check out your uterus.  Make sure there are no adhesions, polyps, or scar tissue hanging around preventing implantation.  I immediately thought to myself... WHAT THE HECK!  Why didn't we do this to begin with???  Why didn't they just do it when they removed my other tube?  WTF!!!  Could have solved the whole problem right?  Well anyways... I went in for the procedure in April.  Doc said my uterus was clean.  Dangit!  As stupid as it sounds... I'd hoped for something in there to be removed so I knew what the problem was.   But there wasn't... and I am fine.  So what the heck is keeping those little boogers from implanting???  I texted IVF doc and he said I could start right away.  Don't even need to wait a cycle or 2 after the procedure.  Do it now.  I read a few fertility boards and girls were saying they were more fertile after this kind of procedure (for something like 2-3 months after).  No one knows why... but the rates went up.  And John is leaving randomly over the next few months... so it's now or never I guess.  So we jumped right in!

Fertility Doc said he didn't even need to see me.  Just pick up my prescription and schedule and start my shots on day 1.  Well... I waited and waited for Aunt Flo to come.  That bitch was late.  I had a girls trip planned with R that weekend, but one of my shots needed to stay refrigerated.  You know what... carrying around a freezer bag with an ice pack to keep your syringes cold is a huge pain in the ass!  My drive to the airport was 3 hours...so by the time I got there the ice pack had melted.  The security people let me bring it through even though it was over 3 ounces of liquid... but they gave me some crazy looks.  The flight attendant was very helpful and put my shots in the fridge on the plane.  But when we got to the hotel, we didn't have a real fridge... it was a cooler.  So it wasn't cold enough.  I had to constantly fill my bag with ice from the machine.  I checked it morning and night to refill the bag with ice chips.  Then on my return flight... I went to McDonald's for ice for the drive home.

So Anyways... Aunt flo finally showed up on Mother's Day.  I promised I wasn't going to look for signs this time.  But how freaking ironic is that.  Then again, she came on my Birthday and Valentines Day last time too.  So forget about the signs I guess.  I was told to come for an ultrasound on Day 6- today.  I chose to go alone this time.  I don't want to make a huge deal out of everything since I've pretty much convinced myself that it is not happening.  The doctor changed my prescription to Menegon instead of Puregon.  I've been sticking myself with 5 needles every morning.  Yeah... it has been pretty sucky and I've got some major bruises in my belly.  I was hoping that the change of medication would mean my ovaries would respond better.  My right ovary even felt more active than usual.  Lots of twinges and flutters.  And that FAT feeling.  Just plain yucky all week.  I'm tired, bloated, nauseous, and crampy.  Forget about the gym... it's not gonna happen this time.  I know I was gung ho last time to not gain weight.  But I really just don't give a shit this time.  I can lose it later.  And right now... 7 layer burritos make me happy.

I was late to my appointment because of parking and threw a little fit in the car.  My hormones have been raging all month.  So there have been lots of tears and screaming at random shit.  I ended up having to park about a mile away.  Probably a good thing since I haven't been going to the gym :P.  Get to the office and end up waiting for 20 minutes.  Finally see the doctor and he's all... "how are you feeling" pointing to his belly.  I'm cracking up at this for some weird reason.  Brush the comment away and tell him I gave myself too big of a dose today.  He says it doesn't matter and tells me to undress.  I'm not even sure what I was expecting.  All of my feelings just kind of disappeared waiting for him to tell me what he sees.  Immediately after the fun wand was inserted... he made a weird aha sound.  Like he'd discovered something interesting, but didn't acknowledge it any further.  He went into checking my uterus... but I blanked and can't even remember what he said.  Then he found my right ovary and said... here are 3 big ones... and 2 more.  He measured one of them at 14mm.  He seemed pleased with that.   I swear I saw a few more tiny ones, but I'm assuming they won't amount to anything. Then he moved over to the left ovary.  He said she's hiding behind your uterus... I can't see it.  That damn ovary!  He says maybe he will be able to see it at the next ultrasound on Wed.  So we are just hoping.  That's it... we are waiting and hoping.  Update next Wed!

And here is My JUNKIE station:

My Heart is smiling :)

I'm not sure if this is rebound happy or what... but I feel pretty good today.  I woke up ready to conquer our infertility.  I want to slap that B* in the face!  She can't knock me down and expect me not to get back up ready to fight even harder!  So I made my plans, and I'm getting more things "checked out" before our next try.  Things I hadn't even thought about until now and wondered why the doctors hadn't suggested it in the first place.  We have learned something new with each round.  Mainly because I've done more googling than I care to admit.  I've even planned a way to fund it all!  I'm so excited about how many responded to my Mini Session Event in April.  If everyone shows up, I should be able to make more than half of what I need.  It's lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I just hope I can handle this many clients in one weekend!

So anyways... I brushed myself off this morning and hopped off to Nurnberg with D for lunch and a quick stop at the Apotheke.  I was hoping to be refunded the taxes I paid for my medications.  They'd never seen our VAT forms though... so I have to wait a little while.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into another battle because I will go to my old pharmacy next time if that is the case.  If you don't live in Germany... you might not know that taxes here are insane!!!  19%!!!  If we calculated correctly, I should be able to get about 300 euro back.  Anyways, that's all.  I just wanted you all to know that I am in a happy place... you don't have to put a 24 hour watch on me :).  We are doing fine... and we appreciate all of your comforting comments, emails, texts, and phone calls.  My Heart is smiling today :)

And just like that... it's done.

Everything felt different this time.  It seemed to be going perfectly.  Despite not having any embryos to freeze, we still had 2 really good ones that made it to day 5.  I had lots of symptoms in the first few days (I do know these could have been attributed all to the progesterone and estrogen).  But it felt real and I felt pregnant for at least 3 days.  One morning at 1am I woke up to some really intense cramping.  It freaked me out a little, but then I thought maybe this was implantation.  A couple of days later, I caved and took an HPT.  It was negative, but I wasn't too upset because I knew it was just too early.  I took another one that evening and I swear we saw the faintest line.  I was cautiously hopeful.  I took another one the next morning but it was negative.  And thats when it happened.  All of my "symptoms" had just vanished.  I checked for soreness in my breasts, but they felt absolutely fine.  I know I drove myself crazy for the next few days testing every morning and evening all to see negatives.  But I felt like I was preparing myself for the fall to come.  On Monday I started having period like cramping.  She wasn't due until at least Wed or Thursday... but that's when I knew it was over.  Yes, I've heard all of the stories about girls feeling crampy down there and it being a sign of pregnancy.  But... I know my body. This IS a period.  Part of me feels like I WAS pregnant for a couple of days and it just wasn't strong enough to hold on.  I felt so heartbroken and crumbled into Johns shoulder that morning.  Later, I posted a little quote on my Facebook page.  Everyone gave their sympathies and some even tried to give me an extra glimmer of hope since we hadn't had final blood confirmation.  But I just knew.  I'm sorry but I can't help the negativity sometimes.  It creeps in when the sun disappears.  My Dr. said the earliest I could come in for a blood test was Tuesday- today.  I had originally planned to wait until Thursday since that would be the first day of my missed period.  But this morning the cramping was so bad, I just decided to rip off the bandaid and get it over with.  I texted my doctor and told him I was having cramps and that I thought the progesterone supplements were preventing bleeding, could I discontinue them once I had a confirmed negative.  I'm sure he was busy so his simple reply 10 minutes later was "OK".  D offered to ride up to the clinic with me, but I just wanted to turn my radio all the way up and zone out.  When I got to the clinic, I got frustrated because I couldn't find parking and everyone seemed to be parking like idiots... half way into another spot.  How dare they leave me with such a small space to squeeze into.  Don't they know I have a big American car?  I got out of the car and did my best to hold back my tears as I walked to the clinic.  When I got up to the office, there were 5 desk girls, and lab ladies standing at the counter.  No patients anywhere in sight.  I handed one my ID card and asked if I could have "THE" blood test.  I immediately burst into sobbing tears.  I just couldn't hold them back anymore.  I felt so STUPID!  They all looked terrified!  I followed one into the blood draw room and continued to pour my tears onto the floor.  I apologized profusely until she told me it was ok and she would give me a minute.  The draw was over and I quickly walked out of the clinic.  On my way out, I could see the ladies at the counter staring at me all with sad faces.  They knew what I knew.  And just like that... It was over.  BFN

Transfer Day!

I can't get over the outpouring of support we've received from all of our friends and families throughout this process.  Even if this isn't our time, I am so thankful for all of your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers.  I could not have made it this far without every single one of your uplifting words of encouragement.  You all bring me strength, smiles, and comfort!  Thankyou, Thankyou!  

The day is finally here!  The weekend seriously took forever!  I hated not knowing how the embryos were developing and how many we'd have left for the final transfer.   On our way to the clinic, we saw the Stork in his nest above the town of Herreiden.  My friend said this is a good omen!!!  Silly, but it brought me to tears.  The ride up to the clinic wasn't as painful as I'd anticipated.  Having my friend there to chat about girl stuff was a nice distraction.  We found a prime parking spot right out front and made our way up to the office.  We were directed to another floor of the clinic where we would hear about the embryos and then make the transfer.  The embryologist came in and explained to us that we had 2 good embryos for transfer today.  There were 3 more still developing in a dish that were about 8 cells but haven't made any progress since Saturday.  It upset me at first, but I accepted it almost immediately and said "Two is good" with tears streaming down my face.  It's more than one.  And with a 5 day transfer, our odds are better than at 3.  Only the best will survive to day 5.  I'm counting my blessings that we have 2 great embabies!!!  Dr. N came in next and explained to us a little more about the stage of the embryos.  They weren't complete blastocysts yet, but well on their way between a Morula and a Blast.  I guess the final development into a blast happens ON day 5.  So I'm assuming since our appointment was really early, they still needed a little time.

I love the way Dr. N talks to me with such reassuring words.  He stood up and said "And now we give them back to you".   They can finally be back in my possession where I can keep them safe for the next 9 months!  We moved into the transfer room where I undressed and hopped up into the stirrups.  He pointed to the monitor on the wall and showed me my two little embryos.  "Look, there they are together..  you can talk to them".  They were sticking to each other like 2 little peas in a pod.  My friend sat by my head and held my hand for the whole transfer.  The embryologist used a catheter to scoop up my little balls of cells and gently handed it off to the doctor.  In less than 10 seconds they were transferred back into their home.  I checked my clock and it was 9:34.  It was such a sentimental experience.  I was sad that John couldn't be there, but thankful for my friend.  I laid there for the next 20 minutes scared to stand up.  So we just sat there taking silly selfies and laughing about how I am technically pregnant with twins now.  But it's not over yet.  They have to stick.  It's more waiting, but I feel calm .  A relief that I've done everything I can to make it to this point.  This round has been so much stronger than the first time.  There are so many positives.  I can't think of a single thing that would make this not work.  It's all up to the embabies and my uterus now.  

I'm home propped up on my couch watching friends.  Particularly the episode where Phoebe gets pregnant.  It makes me happy.  Another thing that makes me happy are all the cute pictures and stories of my friends wearing PINK for me today!  I feel truly blessed to have all of your support!  :)  Onto the 2 week wait!

Bombing this one...

Well here we are in the middle of the IVF Olympics, and I'm totally falling out.  I'm exhausted mentally and physically and just ready to make it across that finish line already.  We haven't had an update on our embies in over 72 hours and it's just pure torture.  On our first round of ICSI, our poor embies weren't the best quality so we transferred them right away with a 3 day transfer and got a gut wrenching negative.  This time we are waiting until day 5.  This gives them more time to turn into blastocysts which have a better chance of "sticking".  This is great... but I have no idea how many we have left!  I am so scared to walk into that office tomorrow and hear bad news.  Sure, no news is good news, but they could take a turn at any point during the process and leave me stranded again.  I know this is so far off from positive thinking, but like I've said in the past... I prefer to prepare myself for any outcome.  I want all 6 of those little balls of cells to make it to day 5's so we can freeze a few.  I won't be picky and will be happy if we have 3 to transfer tomorrow.  But I can't say I won't be heartbroken to lose even one.  For that matter, what if there is only ONE left????  I guess it only takes one, but I will feel so sad to raise another child that doesn't get to grow up with a sibling.  Aidan has complained countless times that he wished he'd had a little brother and it just always hurts my heart that I couldn't give that to him.  In any case, whatever the outcome will be, I will be thankful for anything that involves a baby in my arms by the end of this.

This waiting is so painful though!  3 days with no updates does not make for a happy Paige.  I am having meltdowns left and right.  John tells me to relax and stop stressing about it... but that is so easier said than done.  Sometimes I wish I was a man.  So I could just switch off the emotions in times of total stress.  I just can't seem to let things go.  Everyone keeps telling me to find a distraction to keep my mind off of it.  Well I did... and apparently that's not working.  My mind doesn't work that way.  Sorry to tell ya... but this is who I am.  It doesn't help that I've got all these hormones being thrown at me from the shots, progesterone supplements, and the estrogen.  I'm just going to say this once... and we can all agree to let me do my thing and just let me cry and complain when I want to... I CAN'T HELP IT!

Tomorrow is the big day I guess.  Unfortunately, John has to leave me today for the field for a week.  Any other time, I wouldn't be upset about one little week away because we've been through 4 deployments and a Korea tour.  But tomorrow is important to us... so I'm sad he can't be there AGAIN.  Last time he was in Poland for 2 weeks while I did almost the whole process without him.  We even had to freeze his contribution to make it happen.  I guess all that matters is that I did have him there for Conception day and I can be happy with that.  Besides, I've got a good friend coming along with me and I think she is a good luck charm :)

Now to fill the rest of today with happy thoughts and vibes... haha... we'll see about that :P