Morning Kiss...

I forgot how good it felt to listen to him getting ready in the morning. I am not a morning person, so I can't remember a time I've ever been up when he was up. Except for the day he left. I was the first person to get up that morning. Not because it was time to get up, but because I couldn't sleep knowing what a day we had ahead of us. This morning was our first morning waking up together in a long time. We woke up at 2am. He held me for a while and we talked. We talked about Aidan, about our move to Germany, about where we wanted to retire. It was nice. Our own little slumber party. He was hungry. He went down to the kitchen to have some breakfast. I left him alone for a little while but then realized I could not, not be in the same room with him for longer than 15 minutes just yet. I snuck up on him and hugged him. We stood in the kitchen holding each other for quite some time. I didn't want to let go. But it was time for him to get ready for reintegration. I fell back asleep while he was getting ready but he woke me with a kiss to say goodbye. It was a familiar kiss. He has never left our home without leaving me with a kiss. EVER. Even if I were sleeping, he'd gently kiss my cheek trying not to wake me. How do I know? Because I felt them. Every one of them. This man will always make my heart flutter with those kisses.

And this... this was my first morning kiss (yesterday) since r&r.

Germany??!!!

We've been waiting for this for years. At least 5 that I can think back to. Originally when we thought of an overseas tour, we thought of Hawaii (well you know...off of our mainland anyways). When he came back from Iraq the first time, we came down on orders for Hawaii. We were SO excited! But two days later, he got picked up for Warrant Officer training and Flight School. That's something you just don't pass up. He was an E-6 at the time, and he was tired of dealing with new soldiers. The ones who come into the Army because it's a job and it's stable. The ones who don't give a crap about PT, don't shave and make a mockery of the uniform. He was coming home tired and stressed and it was wearing on "US". We talked about it all of 2 minutes and that was that. Our house, we put up for rent. He left for Ft Rucker for his training and I stayed behind with the movers to pack and clean up.

Our time at Ft Rucker was nothing short of wonderful. It was completely "stress free" for me. I'm sure it was different for him because he was training. But we explored in his down time while we were there. We took trips to Panama City or Destin. We went to Disneyworld and Universal Studios. We did more in that year and a half then we have ever done at any other duty station. We met wonderful people who would never leave us hanging. I miss them dearly...even took a trip to Hawaii to visit them this Christmas. When his training was up we had a few options of where we wanted to be stationed, but none of them came up. We were sentenced to Fort Campbell. Yes...sentenced. I can't say I hate it here. But it is not a place I would love to hang my hat permanently.

A few good things have come from this place. I've met some more wonderful friends to add to my arsenal. They are great friends, but it seems that we are all headed in separate directions. We all have different paths to take, and I'm accepting that. It hurts to accept it, but it's what we do as military families. I am already starting to feel the distance. I'm already feeling lonely and left out of alot of things. I'm sad to leave them and that they are leaving me, but excited to start fresh. I need to start fresh.

The second good thing I got from this place was my business. I've grown my photography business from the bottom. When I first started it 5 years ago, I was nothing. Just a mom with a camera. I have learned so much since then. Even enrolled in a university with a program geared specifically towards my craft. I am glad we weren't sent to Germany right away. Because NOW I have the knowledge I need to take great photos while we are there! I am so behind on my scrapbooking...it is pathetic!!

When John came home in August for r&r, he got the ball rolling on this Germany thing. I felt a little bad because I have been telling everyone and anyone that we are going even though I know how the Army works. Just because you are told one thing, doesn't mean it's a reality. But a girl can dream right? I "think" it's pretty official now that he's got something in writing, but that could possibly change to. I can't sit still. I'm ready to start getting the house ready and to sell all this junk we've accumulated. All that is standing in my way right now is that he is not home yet. I can't do any of the things that need to be done without him. I mean I can. But I won't. I would rather we do it together. So we've got some more waiting to do.

Waiting.

These last few weeks have been a challenge. A challenge to control the emotions that are so close to the edge. I know that any day now I will get that call that says my sweetie is on his way home to me. But at the same time it scares me. What has changed since we were last together? A year. It's a long time. Yeah, there are those two weeks in between. But those weeks are a vacation. There's not enough time to complain or to bicker about whose taking out the trash tonight. We've done this before. This is our fourth time in fact. Four years without him. Not counting all of the months he was away at some sort of training. I've been soo used to doing everything around here myself lately, I've forgotten what it's like to have a man in the house to change the battery in the fire alarm. Or to keep all of the vehicles running properly. Or even to protect me when I'm scared at night. I'm sure we will reintegrate just fine. But we'll have to accept each others changes and make the best of them. He's been through alot, I've been through alot...even Aidan's been through alot.

Now the waiting. The last few weeks/days are pure torture. They seem to drag out. The longest days E-V-E-R! People keep asking me if I'm excited yet. No. I'm not. I will not be excited until his boots are on the ground. Until I see him march through those hangar doors. I really, truly want to. But it's hard. Very soon he will be in my arms again. I love that idea. But it makes me sad for those who we've lost. I feel guilty and undeserving. It's not fair. None of it is. Why her, why them? I've taken what we have for granted in the past. I'm going to try my best not to do that anymore. I love him. Soon.

Can't SLEEP!

Sometimes I lay here and think about what it would be like to be married to a civilian. I can't see it. I can't see our life outside of the military. It's all I've known since the day I became an adult. I joined the army even before I graduated from high school. Then married him two years later. I gave my life to them 14 years ago. And when I married him, I gave it even more. Even though I am a veteran now, I still have to abide by their rules. I think I have a tiny advantage over some military wives because I did experience soldier life for 5 years. I never deployed, but I do understand that when the Army says pack... there are nooo exceptions. And all I can do is accept it, not ask questions, and wait. No matter how much he loves me, the army will always be his mistress. She will always come first. But I have to believe that what he's doing, he does for us. Because he wants us to have a great life together. He is proud to serve our country and he loves what he does. I love what he does. I may not agree or like everything, but this is what military life is. So forgive me when I roll my eyes because you are upset that your spouse is leaving for 2 days or a month even. Be happy that he is home safe. Because your neighbor is lying in bed at 3am worrying about her husband flying over enemies. Waiting for a phone call that she gets only once every couple of weeks. Hoping for a quick email telling her how much he misses her. And in the ultimate case, actually lost him. This may sound dorky... but Thank a military wife today. They aren't appreciated enough for as much as they give.

Christmas in Hawaii :)

In October, I spontaneously purchased 2 tickets to Hawaii to visit some wonderful friends we met at Ft. Rucker. Suzanne and Chris were our neighbors while John was attending flight school. Suzanne has been there for me ever since. It's funny because we never speak on the phone, and we chat online maybe once or twice a month. But every time we visit, we pick up right where we left off. I can still remember the sadness I had when we moved from Ft Rucker to Ft Campbell. Although we were only stationed there for a little more than a year, we managed to create such wonderful friendships.

Anyways... I needed to take that trip to see them. I was stressed out with work, school, Aidan's school, and this STUPID deployment. I just wanted to get away from everything. I asked John, and he said I deserved it and for us to go and have fun. I love that man for being soo generous and never questioning my requests. And so we were off!!

The flight there was actually better than I expected. We met a really cool guy. It's funny...he could almost be my brother. We kept finding weird similarities between the two of us. Aidan had soo much fun talking and joking with him too. He definitely made that 6 hour flight fly by. Thanks Jon!

When we landed, we met Suzanne at baggage claim and she gave both of us Lei's. She tried to sneak up on us...but we saw her coming...hahaha! We love you Zanne! I already miss her soo much!

Chris and Suzanne had an itinerary all planned out for us! So here's what we did:

Tuesday, Dec 21st...
Went to North shore. Watched the surfers and looked for turtles. Snorkeling at Sharks Cove. Butter Garlic shrimp at Romy's. Shaved Ice at Matsumoto. Stroll through Haleiwa.








Wednesday, Dec 22nd...
Swimming and snorkeling with the fishes and coral at Hanauma Bay. Visit to the Blowhole and Lanai overlook. Dinner at Kona Brewing Co. Visit to the Tripler ER (little Lucy busted her noggin). Frozen Yogurt at Menchies.





Thursday, Dec 23rd...
Hike up to Manoa Falls. Swimming and water trikes at Waikiki. Shopping at the International Marketplace. Dinner and Lava Flows at Lulu's.








Friday, Dec 24th...
Pearl Harbor, Arizona Memorial. Shopping at the Naval Exchange. Christmas Eve Dinner at Seoul Jung.




Saturday, Dec 25th...
Christmas!!! Pali overlook. Lanikai beach.



Sunday, Dec 26th...
Dole Pineapple Plantation. Mall. Bubba Gump's Shrimp Co.



Monday, Dec 27th...
Ko Olina Beach and we saw the Black Pearl.






It was such a great visit. Suzanne and Chris were wonderful tour guides. Hopefully we will see them again this summer back at Rucker!!!!

Changes....

The end of September came with some difficult changes for a few people that I love dearly. It's still painful to talk about, so I won't go into to much detail here. Besides, it's not my story to tell. But things have been different since that day. This deployment has been harder than any we've ever been through. I feel selfish for feeling that way when only weeks from now he will be home. But I can't help myself from still missing him soooo much. John is my life. My honest to God soul-mate. That might sound cheesy...but when I think about him...I feel like I am in highschool all over again. Do you remember that little fluttering feeling you got when a boy you were crushing on talked to you. I still get that with him. Especially when we have our first kiss after a long seperation. I'm not saying we have a perfect marriage. There has to be ups and downs for there to be a balance. So in my eyes...right now...everything seems pretty darn close to perfect "when he's home".

Anyways... back to the changes. Life has changed. School has changed. Work has changed. I was doing a full Fall load at AAU and just couldn't handle it with everything that was going on. So I dropped my worst class (a history class...ugh...I mentioned a few blogs down that I hated history didn't I??) That helped alot. In October, Aidan was having alot of difficulties with his public school. I was getting emails from his teacher saying that he wasn't doing his work. He got in-school suspension for fighting with a bully. He came home every day telling me he was being picked on by the kids at the bus stop. I was fed up! I've toyed with the idea of homeschooling in the past, but this just seemed to be the most obvious answer now. I pulled him out of public school, and we began our homeschooling journey on November 1st!!! What a challenge it is. But at times it is soo rewarding. I am enjoying having him home with me. It does take away time from my schoolwork and from my business. But I think it is worth it. He is doing great! We have a little difficulty with the math, but who likes math!!! He works on the ACE curriculum and completes workbooks. We do go in every 3 weeks to take tests on what he's learned. I love this part because I don't have to be the one testing him. I like having to be accountable to someone higher. And they handle all of the paperwork for us too. I think he enjoys it too. Especially since he doesn't have to get up early in the morning to catch the bus!!!! Ha!!!

Also in November, I made some changes to my appearance. I was introduced to an amazing tattoo artist CJ. I watched her work on a few of my friends and decided she was the one I wanted to do my big project. I have wanted to do this for years, but never quite met the right artist. I just clicked with CJ. Her work is wonderful, her personality is amazing. And most of all she made me comfortable. Sooooo..... the big project...

This outline took 9 HOURS!!!


Here was the first round of color...3 hours.


And I decided to use this concept for my final project in my color photography class. I made an A!!


I actually got A's in all 3 of my classes again. I don't know what I'd do with a B! Hahaha! That's probably why I dropped that class...I knew I wouldn't get an A! The next semster begins on Jan 30th. I decided to only take 2 courses this time since we will be busy with John coming home and homeschooling. But for the most part...I think our changes have made us stronger Aidan and I.

BuzzzzzzzFEST!

More from our summer.



In September, John went back to Afghanistan to finish out the deployment. Booooo! So right away, Reisa and I decided to start operation busy! We heard about Buzzfest in Nashville, and we knew it was a definite MUST! Basically it was a full afternoon of non-stop concerts. We ordered our tickets a few weeks in advance and then found out that rain was in the forecast. A little sprinkle wasn't stopping our fun though!



We saw soo many bands! Sick Puppies, Drowning Pool, Papa Roach, Seether, and Shinedown. I can't remember if there were others...but it was soo amazingly, incredible!




We started off in the center of the field but got pushed back because of a few mosh pits. Hahaha! Don't worry, we were being protected by some generous, big, strong, shirtless dudes. A couple of times I found myself blocking Aidan with my body to keep him safe from the crowd surfers!

Here we are drenched from sweat and rain.



For the final band, the crowd decided that Aidan needed a front row viewing of Shinedown, so we were escorted...yes escorted by another shirtless dude to the front row. The crowd was pleased to let us through! We were soo close to Shinedown, it was ridiculous!



I must say though... Papa Roach stole the show for me. I liked them before...but now I am obsessed!