Thursday, May 28, 2015

Scary things...

I'm not going to lie... ever since we saw those 2 pink lines, I've been going back and forth with my emotions.  Some days I'm super positive and feel pregnant... others I'm waiting for something bad to happen.  Well, Saturday morning I woke up and one of my biggest fears came to life.  I saw blood.  Just a little, but enough to panic and run off to the ER.  I cried all the way there and while waiting to be seen.  I thought it was most certainly over.  Why is this happening to us.  We've never made it this far and it's already being taken away!  Well, the doctor did a quick scan and saw a nice little sac in there.  She laughed at me and said... you are pregnant, there is nothing to worry about.  I told her that we were pretty certain both embryos implanted, but she didn't even bother looking for a second sac!  It took me a little while to process that we now only had one baby after a whole week of thinking there were 2.  But I was OK.  I was happy that I had one baby at all.  She tested me for RH and it was positive so I do not need the "shot".  I asked her where the bleeding was coming from and she threw her hands up in the air and said "No one knows".  The rest of the evening I spent resting on the awful loaner bed. 

The next morning, we were supposed to visit with our old Landlords, but I was still spotting and not feeling very well.  I'm glad we didn't go because later that evening I began bleeding profusely and clotting!  More crying and panic came along with that.  We decided not to go back to the ER and instead went to the hospital up the road.  They didn't really have an ER, and they called the on call doctor to see me.  He did a scan and again we saw the sac and this time also a yolk.  But right next to that sac, there was another circle that appeared to be a second sac.  I told him our beliefs of both embryos implanting and he said yes... this is possibly the other one.  He said it was a hematoma.  I asked him if that could be caused from the other embryo leaving us.  He said yes.  I cried that I was losing a twin.  But I was relieved that the other sac was still in tact and seemed to be measuring OK.  I went home and researched Vanishing twins and hematomas.  I found a lot of information that led me to believe our second embryo was detaching from the wall and causing a blood clot. 

On Monday, the bleeding slowed down and went back to spotting again.  We finally went for that visit, but I felt a little off and uneasy so we didn't stay long.  John took me home and I went up to bed.  An hour later I felt a gush.  More heavy bleeding and clotting followed by painful cramping.  At one point I was on my knees crying.  I let the cramping continue for 4 hours hoping it would go away but it never let up.  So John finally took me back to the hospital at 11pm.  The sac was still OK but looked "squished".  The hematoma looked weird... almost like it had ruptured or something.  I asked the doctor if it could harm the baby and he said yes it's possible but that they would do what they could.  Which basically meant me staying over night with pain medication.  By 5am the pain was manageable again.  John brought me home and I spent the rest of the week resting as much as possible. 

Tuesday and Wednesday were house cleaning days, but my amazing husband handled everything for me.  I did do a little vacuuming but that was it.   John brought me to the hotel where I could lay in a more comfortable bed.  Time seemed to be slowing down.  I was so bored and all I could do was google about hematomas and vanishing twins.  I hoped that maybe we would find a miracle at the ultrasound, but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  John insisted that both babies were still in there and doing OK. 

Thursday was ultrasound day.  But not until 3:30pm!  It was the longest day of my life... or felt like it anyways.  John was still busy running errands and it was getting late.  So I decided to walk over to the clinic from our hotel.  I was scared.  I almost had a panic attack in the waiting room.  John and Aidan arrived and tried to make me giggle.  Finally at 4pm I was in Dr. N's office waiting for her.  She walked in and said... "So.. you were successful this time".  She knows how hard we've tried to get pregnant and she's seen me before every cycle for some procedure or another (hysteroscopy/laproscopy).  I said "Yes... but...".  She asked me what the "but" was about and I explained what happened over the weekend.  We went right over to the ultrasound machine to take a look.  While scanning around... I saw a couple of blobs that looked like sacs, but they appeared to be empty.  I tried to contain myself until she told me what was going on, but then she said... there is the heartbeat.  WHAT???  I was not expecting to see a heart beat.  I prepared myself that it might still be too early.  A lot of pregnancies don't see heart beats until week 7.  She then asked me how many we put in.  I said 2 and that I wasn't sure the other one was still there.  "Here is the other one... and here is the heartbeat".  TWO heartbeats!!!!  At this point I am crying happy tears.  I asked her if I could take a video.  I asked her if they were both OK.  Several times actually.  She said yes... both have normal heartbeats.  But that it is still very early and we need to be cautious with the hematoma.  It is under the placenta and that is better than being on top.  I told her about our plans to fly home on Saturday and she told me it was not a good idea.  John said I have to stay and take care of the babies.  He will go without me and I can come later.  Tonight I witnessed an amazing circle of support come to my aid.  So many people offered to help me with housing.  I am truly humbled by the generosity of these people.  This is amazing.  This is my miracle. 

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