Tuesday, May 19, 2015


Well, I caved and posted our news on Facebook yesterday.  It was exactly one week since I tested at home.  We'd already told family and close friends.  I know that it is super duper early and anything can happen, I just needed to feel happy right now.  To celebrate with everyone.  Ever since we got the positive, it's been really hard for me to believe and accept that this is really happening for us.  I keep waiting for it to be taken away.  I'd created scenarios in my head and was teaching myself how to cope with any negative outcomes.  It's not healthy, I know.  But quite honestly... I've already self diagnosed myself with PTSD.  I do plan to talk to someone about this.  We've just had so much heartbreak on this journey.  15 years of trying, 1 ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my tubes, and 4.5 rounds of IVF over a 4 year period.   In any given cycle, at this point, I would be grieving a failure.  So my brain is pre-programmed already to not be happy.  I just needed to share the news and celebrate the moment.  I felt like hiding it was getting my feelings nowhere.  If I can say it out loud... maybe I can believe it too!  So I did!  And the outpouring of comments, hugs, tears even... truly made me feel better.  So... today I will be happy and celebrate this victory.  I still need to see hearts beating, but enjoying the now is good for the soul :)

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