Facebook

Well, I caved and posted our news on Facebook yesterday.  It was exactly one week since I tested at home.  We'd already told family and close friends.  I know that it is super duper early and anything can happen, I just needed to feel happy right now.  To celebrate with everyone.  Ever since we got the positive, it's been really hard for me to believe and accept that this is really happening for us.  I keep waiting for it to be taken away.  I'd created scenarios in my head and was teaching myself how to cope with any negative outcomes.  It's not healthy, I know.  But quite honestly... I've already self diagnosed myself with PTSD.  I do plan to talk to someone about this.  We've just had so much heartbreak on this journey.  15 years of trying, 1 ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my tubes, and 4.5 rounds of IVF over a 4 year period.   In any given cycle, at this point, I would be grieving a failure.  So my brain is pre-programmed already to not be happy.  I just needed to share the news and celebrate the moment.  I felt like hiding it was getting my feelings nowhere.  If I can say it out loud... maybe I can believe it too!  So I did!  And the outpouring of comments, hugs, tears even... truly made me feel better.  So... today I will be happy and celebrate this victory.  I still need to see hearts beating, but enjoying the now is good for the soul :)

2ww Symptoms

I know that searching for symptoms became a huge deal during my 2ww.  So I've decided to share mine for anyone else waiting :)

Day 0- Transfer of two grade AA hatching blasts around 1:30pm.  Slight cramping in the evening while resting.  More towards the lower left side.

Day 1- Found a tiny dot of brown cm around 11am.  Went walking in Cordoba.  Lots of steady cramping today.  Hope the walking wasn't too much.

Day 2- Laid around in the hotel today.  Mild cramping and lower back pain only when walking to lunch and dinner.  Felt one sharp stabbing pain in lower right mid afternoon.  Lasted less than a second.  Woke up at 2am feeling very full in the belly.  Couldn't get comfortable to go back to sleep for a while. Tummy soreness... kind of feels like I did a bunch of sit-ups.

Day 3- No cramping at all.  Very tired.  Headache but maybe from allergies.  Another sharp stabbing pain in the lower right in the evening.  Again... less than a second.  John concludes that the back pain is from the bed :P

Day 4- Ovaries are feeling sore or full.  No idea what this could be from.  Bloating is still there but not as bad.  Hungry all day.  Slight nausea.  Tired.  Fell asleep on the couch at 5pm.

Day 5- Little twinges this morning but not really uterus area.  Side stitch pain... still feels like ovaries but I can't pinpoint it.  Hard feeling in middle towards back.  Exhausted.  Took an afternoon nap.  Tiniest speck of brownish cm at 5pm.  Barely noticeable if I weren't paying attention.  Using the restroom a little more frequently.  Small uterine cramps on the left side towards back.  Breasts are feeling a little bit heavier and sensitive this evening.

Day 6- More bloating.  Hurts to button pants.  Peeing a lot!!  5 times before even drinking fluids this morning.  Little dizziness.  Little heartburn but I ate spicy chicken.

Day 7- Up at 4am to pee.  Cramping a bit this morning but eased up after my shower.  Very emotional. Cried over a chicken sandwhich.  POAS mid afternoon.  Solid BFP!!!

Day 8- POAS 4:30am.  Solid BFP!  Blood test at 9am.  HCG- 202!  Definitely pregnant.  Very exhausted today.  Dizzy.  Headache all afternoon and ended up throwing up later in the evening a few times.

Day 9- Very tired but better than previous days.  Breasts seem to be more tender in the evening.

Day 10- Symptoms seem to be vanishing.  Freaking out a little.  POAS again this afternoon and it seemed lighter.  Panicking!!!

Day 11- AF type cramping, ovary pains... what is going on in there???

Day 12- Sharper ovary pains in the evening.  Woke up at 4am with AF type cramping that lasted 2 hours.  Definitely going in for another blood test.

Day 13- Energy is a little better until later in the afternoon.  Then I was exhausted.  Blood test came back at 3412!!!  So still pregnant!  More AF type cramping in the evening.  Why are these worrying me?

Day 14- Spent the day relaxing since the previous day was a little emotional.  Dull achey cramps on and off today.

Blood tests!

Ooops!  I left the blog hanging for a whole week!  So anyways... after my dramatic pee stick incident, I scheduled a blood test for the following morning.  It was nerve wrecking to say the least!  I went up there at 9am.  It took all of 5 minutes and I was sent on my way and told to call back at 11:30.  The morning was stressful wondering what the results would say.  I went to the commissary and ran some errands.  In the middle of my errands I called the clinic but they told me the results weren't ready yet!!!  Ugh!!!  I was then told that someone would call me in 1-2 hours.  I waited THREE hours before panicking and calling them back.  But the phone went straight to a German voice mail!  I quickly found their website and noticed that the office closed at 2pm!  And the following day was a German Holiday. A big one... which probably meant they would be closed throughout the weekend.  I could not wait an entire weekend knowing what that test said so I texted my old doctor and asked him to pull up the results for me.  This felt very awkward.  I hadn't told him what we were doing, so it's kind of like I cheated on him.  But in my defense... I'd already given that clinic two rounds of our hard earned money to get us pregnant and they couldn't do it.  I felt guilty crawling back to them for a blood test, but I couldn't find another clinic nearby that would do it.  

So anyways... I went about my day and showed our house to a couple who was in the market for a new house.  The phone rang at 4pm while I was still showing the house.  It was the clinic!!!  They called to tell me that my blood HCG test came back at 202!  Progesterone 5.  202!!!  This is way higher than I'd expected since I believe a normal range would have been about 70-100 at this point.  I quickly sent an email to my patient coordinator in Spain and she called me right away.  She told me to maybe plan for 2, but I know those numbers don't necessarily mean twins.  But you never know!

Thursday I went in to our post clinic and got myself all set up to see a new obgyn so I could keep up with my prescriptions.  I can't stop taking the estrogen and progesterone until the 12th week and I was running out.  I was able to get in to see her the next day thanks to the nurse, doctor and tricare people.  They whipped out an ASAP referral for me in less than an hour.  It feels so great to finally have Tricare approving something related to my fertility.  All of these years... 40k out of pocket and I finally get to make insurance pay for something!!  

Friday afternoon I had a little meltdown.  I was convinced that this pregnancy wasn't real and I insisted on peeing on another stick.  It was stupid and I will never do it again.  The line came out lighter!!!  I spent the entire weekend torturing myself with google and things that could have gone wrong.  And before you think it... yes I know stress is bad but I honestly just can't control my feelings right now.  I don't know what's real.  The cramps, ovary pains, and other symptoms all worry me.  I wasn't planning on taking another blood test, but by Sunday I decided that I needed to know for sure that something was still growing inside me.  So Monday morning I went back in.  Another quick draw and I was off to worry for the remainder of the day.  It wasn't so bad, I had Denise with me.  It was her last day in Germany and I drove her to finish up her errands.  

Again I was told to call at 11:30, and again I was told to wait longer.  Finally at 12:30, I called again and asked for my results.  The lady said the results were good but she didn't tell me the number.  I asked her to please give me the number and she put me on hold.  Another lady came on the line and told me the results were "positive".  I asked again to please tell me the HCG level and she again put me on hold.  I really don't think these people understand the amount of torture waiting can be when you are in this position.  Finally she came back on and told me the HCG level was 3412!!!  Progesterone 6.  

A quick beta calculation said that the number is doubling every 29 hours.  Normal is 48-72.  Again, not a good predictor of twins... but Wahoooooo... they are rising and that is something to be happy about!  I still can't officially celebrate until I see a heartbeat(s) on the ultrasound next week... but for now I can be calmer and embrace each little step in the right direction :)

One year later...

It's hard to believe its been almost a year since I wrote in this blog.  So much has happened.  We moved into a new house, John left a few times, we went to Italy, London, Scotland, Belgium, France, and Amsterdam.  The army told us we had to go, then we got to stay again, then we had to go even sooner.  Now we're set to move to El Paso in just a few short weeks.  Well... from the moment they told us it was game over on our permanent European Vacation... I jumped into IVF mode again!  With only 3 short months left, I knew we had to make the most of this time and try just once more.  But.. Germany wasn't working for us.  So I researched clinics in Prague and Spain.  John was away on a field trip... but he gave me the go ahead to scope out a clinic in person.  It was a nice little girls trip!  Denise and I enjoyed the Spanish Sangria and Sun!  The clinic was amazing and the patient coordinator replied to my emails so quickly.  I met the doctor and he did a mock transfer and right away gave me my prescriptions.  This place is my answer!  I'll spare you all of the druggy details... but everything was going perfectly!

John and I booked a week long stay at a beautiful resort just outside of Malaga.  On Transfer day (Cinco De Mayo!), I had a quick 10 minute acupuncture before seeing the doctor and embryologist.  Let me just tell you... 5 people in lab coats came into the room beaming with positivity!  They could not wait to tell me about our embryos!  Dr. S couldn't stop smiling!  He handed me a printed sheet with 8 beautiful Embryos!  One little one stopped growing, but the other 7 were amazing!  2 were Graded AA and already hatching.  He explained to me that these embryos could be found in a textbook and that they have a very high chance of sticking!  I didn't know what to say... I just started crying.  My patient coordinator (M) grabbed a hold of my arm with excitement too.  The doctor told us now that we only should transfer one embryo due to the risk of twins.  I looked at John and cried some more.  He then suggested that if we do transfer 2, we should transfer one high quality and one lower quality.  This guy really doesn't want us having twins.  I know it's a risk and there is with any pregnancy.  We have been doing this for so many years, I really just want to be certain that one will stick.  So we decided on transferring the 2 best embryos anyways.  The embryologist laughed and said in Spanish "Prepare for a double Prom".

They wheeled me to the transfer room and up I went into the stirrups for the hundredth time.  We watched the catheter go in and release our two beautiful embabies!  It was so fast and easy... I was out of there in less than 20 minutes.  The doctor left us to rest for five minutes and wished us lots of luck.  Before leaving the clinic, I hugged M and noticed the office was quiet.  Everyone had gone out for their afternoon Siesta!!!!  LOL!  Spaniards take their Siestas seriously!

John and I took a leisurely stroll back to the car.  Normally I would have made him pull it around.  In the past, I've always been so delicate with myself.  Scared to dislodge the embryos.  No sneezing... no bumpy car rides... no walking.  But this time... I decided to just go with the flow.  We drove an hour back to our hotel and then walked to dinner.  The next few days were filled with ups and downs.  On day one... we decided to go out sight seeing in Cordoba.  I had every intention of taking it easy.  However, we lost track of time and ended up walking quite a bit.  By the end of the day I had myself convinced that I'd ruined the cycle because of the pure exhaustion I felt.  But the next day we rested... ALL DAY.  Talk about boring.  I googled every scenario I could think of.  I could pick out several "symptoms".  Then again, I felt all of these things could be contributed to the progesterone I'm on. 

We got back to Germany a week later ready for business.  The movers were coming in just a day and a half!!!  So much organizing and work to do and I was still worried about taking it easy.  John did all of the heavy lifting for me though.  The movers came and went.  They were pretty great and worked quickly.  Our things were packed and in their crates in a day and a half.

Tuesday, May 12.  I finally decided to swing by the post office and pick up the pregnancy tests I'd pre-ordered before leaving for Spain.  My reasoning behind ordering them and not just buying them in the commissary was that it would be too tempting to test early.  This way, I'd have to wait until the tests arrived in the mail.  Well they got there pretty quickly and it was torture driving past the post office every day.  But we were busy and I didn't have time to stop anyways.  Still 2 full days before I was allowed to take a blood test.  But having these pee sticks staring me in the face was awful!  John tried to steal them and hide them away... but I begged him to leave them.

My heart was racing all afternoon staring at these sticks.  I even had a big cry over it.  John told me I needed to wait... but my heart just needed to know the answer.  I snuck off with a cup and a stick.  I was going to wait the whole 3 minutes before looking at the result window... but again... I can't control myself.  I watched the lines quickly fade into focus.  OMG!!!  There are two lines!!!!  I grabbed the stick and went running down the stairs hollering for John.  "Baby... I peed on the stick... I'm so sorry.. I had to".  He looked at the stick and grabbed me as I shook in his arms crying.  I looked up at him and he had tears in his eyes too!  I kept looking at the stick not believing that it was true.  I still don't believe it's true!  I will go in for a blood test tomorrow morning... but for now I'm remaining cautiously optimistic!  15 years.  FIFTEEN!!!  I can't believe this!!!  I won't believe this until it's confirmed by a beating heart.  Please Let this be real!!!

One more time???

At the moment, this has been THE most difficult 2 weeks of my life.  I went from planning a new baby, to planning the rest of my life without ever having a new baby, to possibly trying one more time.  I'm learning that my husband just can not stand to see me unhappy.  He is willing to give me anything I want just to keep me from crying.  I've cried myself to sleep in his arms almost every night since we got our bad news.  I've been fighting so hard to accept that this was the end of the road for us, but it's so much harder than I expected.  I wanted A to have a sibling.  I know it's late but I still wanted it for him.  I wanted John to experience the milestones that he missed out on while being deployed so many damn times during A's childhood.  My heart breaks for my son.  He has struggled so much with his daddy being gone so much.  I just can't always fill those father shoes for him.  I can only hope the time in between has made up for it.  I wanted to have my husband with me while I carried our child, while we watched his milestones together.  He has missed so much.  And I know there are worse situations, but I can't control the hurt.  I can't make the yearning go away.  We wanted more.  Yes we are happy with the ONE we have, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept not being able to have another.  I am so tired of responding to that remark.  Secondary infertility is painful too.

And so with this our journey WILL continue..  The next thing we will try is immune testing.  I've had this feeling that my body is just killing the embryos as soon as they enter.  Little did I know, this is a real issue and has caused many woman multiple implantation failures and miscarriage.  We will test to find out if this is affecting us, but also work on improving embryo quality.  3-6 months is our new projected timeline.  But first we are on the hunt for a new clinic that provides these types of testing.  Turkey is on the top of the list!  Thankyou for your continued prayers and support.

When?

Well.  That last round was a bust too.  I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to accept it and move on.  But the heart wants what it wants.  I'm not really sure how or when my mind will say enough is enough.  I tried doing other things to distract me from the reality, but it's just not working.  I find myself crying in the middle of a park full of people pushing strollers.  I know John is frustrated with me.  He keeps telling me to let it go, but I just don't know how.  How do you give up on a dream?  How do you just let something go that you've wanted all your life?  People keep telling me to be grateful for what I have in my life...a son and an amazing husband.  I promise you that I am beyond grateful that I have these boys in my life.  But it does not take away my need to be a mommy again.  I am so overwhelmed with sadness right now and just can't see the end of the tunnel yet.  I need some time...and some space to learn how to accept this.

Again with the waiting.

Woke up super early Wed morning to drive up to Nurnberg for the transfer.  Met with the embryologist first who showed us our 2 embryos to be transferred.  She started off by saying "Today we have 2 beautiful embryos to be transferred".  I liked the word beautiful so I got excited.  She told us that one had progressed to a full Blastocyst.  We've never had a blast before.  The 2nd embryo was a morula.  I asked if it was a better quality morula than last time and she said yes.  The assisted hatching was performed the day before and she showed me pictures of what they looked like after the hatching, but I can't recall what they looked like.  In hindsight, I wish I'd asked to keep those pictures as well.

The doctor came in and asked if I had any questions.  I just kept asking if these embryos were better than last time.  He said yes and that the blastocyst had a very high chance of implanting.  So I'm crossing my fingers so hard!  This was John's very first embryo transfer.  He couldn't make it to the first two, so I'm hoping he was a little good luck charm.  I think the father should be present during this procedure for it to work don't you?  We saw the little specs on the monitor and watched as they sucked them up into the catheter.  John held my hand while the doctor placed them inside my uterus.  And we were left to rest for 10 minutes on the chair.

Here we are 4 days past 5 day transfer.  My hopes are dwindling.  The unknown is scary and I'm feeling quite negative about it.  I know it's just a defense of mine to prepare myself for a negative outcome, but I just can't help myself.  John wants me to be more positive.  But really... this is our 3rd IVF and one that was cancelled mid cycle.  I'm finding it really hard to believe that it would actually work for us.

As far as symptoms go, I've had some minor cramping on and off since the day after and sore BB's.  But I had that last time too and I contributed it to the progesterone.  This time I've added a 3 shots of Brevactid (hcg).  I had my last shot of it this morning, so it won't be out of my system for a few days.  The doctor said I could take a home test on Friday, but I'm worried that will be too early with the hcg still in my system from the shot.  We also have Rock Im Park tickets for the whole weekend... so if it's bad news, I just know I won't be the best company to my sweet husband.  Decisions, decisions :/