IVF Olympics

I get a bunch of questions about the games involved in the IVF Olympics, but I don't think I've actually ever explained them properly.  In order for you to understand what we're dealing with... I guess that's kind of important.  So here I will give you a brief as possible description of MY take on the whole thing :).

First off... when deciding to participate in the IVF Olympics you must train!  You have to prepare your body to meet the challenges of each game.  In my case, I had to monitor my thyroid for several months and take a pill to get it back under control.  Luckily, during this years extreme training, I lost several pounds and the thyroid medication wasn't even needed for the Winter Games!!!  Training and preparing your body are super important!  2 years ago, I entered the IVF Olympics with an untrained body and unfortunately we lost that year :(.  3 things I did during training... removed the hindering tube that was leaking yucky fluid into the uterus, lost a bunch of weight, got my thyroid back under control!  I hope that means we are ready to play!!!

Onto the warmup!  This was only option and not all participants do it.  But we decided having the uterine lining scratched to help the embryos stick would be beneficial.  We've already done this but won't know if it was successful, obviously unless we win the overall games.  But I think it went well!

The first sport is a doozy!  Of course we must wait for our very famous Aunt Flo to join us, but once she's here... we can begin the production of eggs with the use of FSH (follicle stimulating hormones).  This is the shot I give myself every day.  On a normal cycle the ovaries will release only 1 egg.  But with the help of FSH, you can produce 10-20-30!!!!  This process takes about 2 weeks.  The object is to make as many eggs as possible within that 2 weeks but also hope for good quality!  Rule of thumb... quality over quantity.  It is a little disheartening though when you find out you have a small quantity.  But as everyone keeps telling me, you only need ONE to win the overall games!  The eggs grow inside fluid filled sacs called follicles.  Since the eggs can't be seen on an ultrasound, we will monitor the growth of the follicles instead.  Each follicle should contain 1 egg (but sometimes it may not have any at all).  As of our last appointment we saw 4 follicles on each ovary.  We go back in today to see if they've multiplied and grown bigger!  We measure them until they are big enough to release the eggs.  In the meantime, the FSH causes bloating, ovary pains, and mood swings.  You can see this is really not one of my favorite sports in the game :/.

When the follicles are finally big enough, we can move on to the next sport!!!!  Harvesting the eggs!  We will schedule a surgery for the doctor to go in with a long skinny needle to suck out the fluid from each follicle hoping to catch several eggs.  They should let us know that same day how many eggs were retrieved.  The same morning, the husband makes his contribution and while I am sleeping, the eggs and sperm will be combined.  In our case, we go the extra mile and have each egg injected with an individual sperm to heighten our chances of success.  Otherwise they are just put together in a dish and left to "have at it".  The surgery doesn't take too long and we can go home a few hours later.  There is some discomfort and swelling, but it'll hopefully be all worth it!

And with that, we have the next sport... embryo creation!  This is mainly a spectators sport.  Since the eggs and sperm have already been collected, we just get to watch and wait.  And the waiting can be painful too.  Over the next few days they will be monitored until they 1. fertilize, and 2. divide.  Some eggs won't fertilize and we'll lose them.  Others will fertilize but not divide so we lose those too.  It's all in chance I guess.  We just hope for the best and wait for the phone call telling us how many GOOD quality embryos we have remaining.

Once we know how many embryos we have, we'll plan for the next sport... TRANSFER!  This sport is super exciting!  We get to decide how many embryos we want to put back in.  We will choose 3 if we have that many.  If we have extras, they will be frozen for future games if we don't win this round.  We go back into the arena and the doctor gently places the embryos into the uterus.  That's it.  It's up to the embryos now to swim around and find a cozy spot along the wall to bury.  This is why our friends say "sticky embryos.. or sticky baby dust wishes".  Stick babies... stick!!!!!  This is probably the funnest cheer we do throughout the games :).

That was the last sport really, unless you consider the 2 weeks of waiting for your results.  During those 2 weeks, we try to relax and not do anything too strenuous.  I usually have it in my head that I could cause the embryos to fall out, but I don't think that really happens.  They just die I guess... and stop dividing :(.  But hopefully we make some strong quality embryos this year!  If so... we get to move on to the IVF Pregnancy Olympics!!!!

Well Hello Blog...

Apparently I only update this thing when we do IVF.  Ooopsie!  So anyways... here we are.. at it again.  Knocked down a couple of times (still not knocked UP), but getting back up and trying again.  Haha... see what I did there???  This time just feels different though.  I mean it always feels different, but I'm in a better place with my life now.  I hosted a weight loss challenge, which not only helped other girls... but myself too.  I lost 17lbs!  That felt amazing because I was in a huge rut since John got home from his vacation at the beach.  It's always so easy to lose weight when he's gone because I'm working for him.  But once he's here... I get happy and "comfortable" and don't really care about it much anymore.  The weight loss challenge gave me something to work towards again!  It also helped me get to know a few more people and really connect!  I've made lots of new friends through it and grew stronger relationships with some I've known all along.  Happy friendships make Paige a happy girl :).  There was a short period there where I felt lost.  I just didn't know where I belonged.  But I think I've found my happy place and it's helped me understand myself a little better too.  Anyways... along with the weight loss, I also joined a running group.  It's still a Love-Hate kind of relationship, but it's growing on me, and I'm even starting to enjoy it!  I've done 4 races over the last 6 months!  2 5k's and 2 4k's.  The first 5k was a color run on post.  I had a really rough time completing it and had to walk some.  It took me over 40 minutes, I don't even remember the time.  But this weekend, we did another one in Dinkelsbuhl that included several rolling hills.  I managed to run the entire thing (full of fertility meds and bloated as a puffer fish)... in 32:51.  I know it's still slow, but I was satisfied that I completed it.

And onto the whole reason for this post.  We made a huge decision this summer.  We decided the doctor we were going to just wasn't the right fit.  He is an amazing doctor though.  He's smart and has had great success rates.  New patients have to wait months to get in to see him.  I know a few people who have come home with their own souvenirs from working with him.  But he just wasn't our kind of doctor.  He was a fast talker and really didn't have much time to explain the nitty gritty details with us during our appointments.  He was always rushing off to see his next patient because there was a waiting room full of Mama's knocking at his door.  It was time for us to move on.  I emailed a clinic in Nurnburg that I'd heard about and they called me back the next day.  The doctor we were given... I think was a great match.  I don't even have to ask him any questions.  It's like he knows what I'm thinking before I have time to ask it.  He took the time to answer all of my smallest worries on the first day we met.  I feel strong when I walk into his office.  Like I'm in control.  This is my procedure and he knows I'm spending a lot of money on it.  So he won't leave the room until I'm done.

We waited until after the New Year to get started!  I went in for the scratching procedure one week before my period.  Basically he scratched the lining of my uterus which makes it have to regenerate and fix itself which in turn helps the embryos stick!  It was a little painful, and kind of sent my emotions into a frenzy.  The next few days I was a little bit of a basket case.  I was nervous and pretty much just PMS'ing.  John couldn't talk to me.  I had several panic attacks and started freaking out about the money.  I had to pull out 1700 euro for my shots and that didn't even include the doctors bill that will come later.  My period came, and I managed to put my happy face back on.  We started our shots this past Thursday!  I went in to see the doctor on Day 5.  Without having to ask any questions at all, he started explaining what everything was on the ultrasound monitor.  He showed us that my lining was around 8.3 thickness.  I guess anything over 7 is good!  Then he showed us 4 follicles on the right side.  He measured the biggest one and said it was about 8mm.  We also had about 3-4 on the left side.  I feel like 7-8 is a good number to start with.  I know last time we had 7 as well and they reduced to 5, but I have strong hopes that that won't happen again.  Hopefully these 7-8 will grow big and all have healthy eggs inside.  And who knows... maybe we'll even see a few stragglers in the basket on Friday!  In any case, we've decided to carry out the procedure no matter what this time.  We only need 3 good eggs for transfer day.  3 because that is all they allow you to put back in.  And we are all in!  John took away some of the pressure by telling me we didn't have to go into this thinking it was our last shot anymore.  He is willing to cross that bridge when we come to it.  So that made me feel a lot better.  Not thinking about how much money we will be spending on it anymore, because those babies will make it all worth it :)

Parking Lot Decisions...

Today was supposed to be a great day.  I went in there hoping for my 15 fluffy follicles to find out we lost a few soldiers in the battle.  How does that happen????  We went from 7 to 5.  Ok... 5 sounds like a good number to work with right?  But in the questionable world of IVF/ICSI... it's a really poor number.  During egg retrieval we would more than likely lose at least half of that.  On our last round, we went into retrieval day with 8.  Even then, I had doubts about going through with it in fear of not having enough eggs.  We ended up with only 4 eggs... 3 that fertilized and NONE to freeze.  This time, Dr. V did suggest we continue this weekend with our shots and check again on Monday.  But... he's not the one spending the money.  We sat in the car in front of the Apotheke trying to figure out what we should do.  My heart was telling me 5 just isn't enough.  We flipped a coin a few times, but it kept saying we should continue.  But, if we continue with the shots, we'd have to go into that Apotheke and spend another 600 euro on top of the 1400 we've already spent on shots.  That's ALOT of money to throw away when your heart is telling you NO.  I didn't listen to my heart last time... and where did that get me?  Right here where I am now.  So we decided, in the parking lot, to throw out those prescriptions and go back into the office to let them know we are canceling this round.  I was given 2 more prescriptions to cancel the cycle and we must wait for my new "cycle" to start again.  Alles Gute.  I'm having my cry today... but I'm looking forward to enjoying Oktoberfest this year with my husband.. and a visit from his Aunt and Uncle.  Maybe next time :)

What IF????

Today we are on Day 8 of hormone shots and stimming.  On Monday we went in to check on the follies.  After 4 shots... we had 7 growing.  I was super excited about that number, but my Dr. seemed a  little bit disappointed :/.  He wanted to see at least 10 by then.  So he prescribed me a second shot- menopur.  The rest of the day went great!  I had my first acupuncture, and positive vibes surrounded me.  Tuesday morning I woke up feeling FAT.  My stomach expanded overnight and hasn't gone down since.  My mood has gone from happy and bubbly... to blah and run down.  I'm blaming it on the second shot for sure!  I haven't done much this week at all.  But it has definitely been relaxing.  And I guess that's what my body wants and needs for these follicles to grow.  Tomorrow we'll go back in to check on them.  The Dr. wants around 14 follicles before retrieval day.  So I'm hoping, hoping, hoping all this tiredness and bloating is because there are FIFTEEN!!!!  Please let there be fifteen!!!!!!  I can't say the negative energy hasn't started to sneak back into my thoughts... because it has.  I keep questioning whether or not we are doing the right thing spending this money.  It's so much harder to wrap my head around now that Tricare isn't involved in an ounce of the treatments.  I'm angry that they took it away!  And even angrier it didn't work last time when some of it was covered.  I just keep thinking 10k down the drain?  What if!  But then again... what if we get our babies and my dream of having twins comes true.  It WILL be worth it!  I guess there is no sense worrying about things that I have no control over... but I just can't help it.  I don't want to be an empty nester when I'm 38.  I'm not done being a mommy!  I was on Pinterest the other day and saw someone I was following posting all these cute little lunchbox ideas.  Silly... but it really got me excited!  Cute little animal cut outs made of cheese!  Sandwiches shaped like airplanes!  Apple slices and blueberries made into an American Flag!  I turned to Aidan and said... would you be embarrassed if I made you a lunch like this?  He just shook his head and said... um... YES!  All of the fun kiddie things are over with him.  I know there are a lot more things to come... but I'm just not done with the fun kiddie things... and I want to do it again.  Waaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

35 is going to be FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

At least I can hope!  My 30's have been my best years so far.  I have my boys (although a pain in the ass sometimes) who love me.  My business that rocks!  We live in Germany... and my Husband is HOME this year!  So I decided to celebrate in style!  I had been planning this circus styled shoot for a while and what better day than to shoot it on my Birthday!!!  It was amazing.  Everything turned out better than I had imagined.  It went from a field to a super cool barn in just a few short weeks!  J built a swing to hang from the rafters and my friend E helped hang the curtains and translate for me with the barn owner.  C did such an awesome job with hair and makeup, and the models were beautiful!  I got a little nervous when the first model was almost done with hair and makeup... that I started to panic and rush them.  As I was heading out, Aidan came home with his new ROTC uniform and told me he did not get promoted today.  I felt sad for him and went to console him.  Then he showed me his tab!  He DID get promoted to PVT!!  What a little jokester.  I was so excited that I actually cried.  Maybe it was the hormones from receiving probably the best birthday present ever (IVF to commence the next day), or the excitement from the day... but I couldn't contain myself.  I found J on the front steps and cried some more.  Haha!

We arrived at the barn and dumped my car full of props and arranged them.  They went so well with the curtains!  I got all giddy and happy!  We popped a second bottle of champagne before starting and toasted to what would be my most favorite shoot ever!  Everyone left J and I alone to work.  I had a few duh moments with posing, but J rocked it out!  The second model arrived and everyone else followed (including the German boys who wanted to watch the commotion).  We had a blast!  When it was over, we disassembled the barn and tried to put all of his things back to where they were when we came in.  With everyones help it took only 20 minutes!  I added up the costs of the shoot, and I believe I spent maybe about $400-$500 on everything.  Totally worth it!  Then we sat down and enjoyed an awesome dinner prepared by E and a cake made by my boys!

The day went perfectly even though I woke up feeling defeated and discouraged.  The one thing I needed to happen before starting IVF again was 3 days overdue.  I never thought I'd be so happy to see her later that morning and my mood changed so quickly when she did!  Such a weird thing to be excited about... but I embraced every cramp knowing we'd get to start the whole process the following day!

On Thursday, I made the one hour trip to Erlangen alone.  J had to fly, and I was not waiting until Friday to get this thing started!  The Dr. did an ultrasound and said the lining was thin enough to begin my Puregon injections.  He started me on a much higher dose than last time- 225 ie's per day!  He says he would like to see at least 12 follicles this time but 20 would be overstimulating.  It's funny... but the day after my first shot, I could feel little twinges in my ovaries.  I know that means they are growing!  I've always been able to tell when I'm ovulating... but last time I didn't remember feeling these twinges until much later.  I am super excited and nervous to see what he has to say on Monday when we go back in!  Hoping for at least 5 follicles by then... but I know some take longer to show up.

This is our time.  We are ready for our babies... and I will have them when I'm 35.  35 is going to be fantastic!  Or at least I hope!!!

Loved

Now that the word is out and everyone knows what is going on, I'm getting a lot of beautiful emails, words of encouragement, and virtual hugs.  I appreciate every one of you.  It is a relief off my shoulders to know that people understand what we're going through.  And this is exactly why I decided to announce it.  I did put it out there to my clients as well... and that may have been a little awkward in the moment.  BUT... for me, I'd rather them know than ask questions about my flakiness during this time.  I was feeling guilty turning away sessions with just a quick response of "I'm taking some time off".  Especially since I've taken so much time off the last 5 months with J being home.  I know, I know... no one needs an explanation about my private life.  But, this was a step I felt I needed to relieve a little more stress so I can focus on babies and only babies.  So I have no doubts about doing it :).

Now that you know!  Here are a couple of things to know about my feelings towards the subject and things you can do to help!

     Ask questions if you want to!  Don't be shy!  Or feel like you're being nosey.  I love talking about it and explaining the details of the procedure.  It's exciting and amazing!  And crazy that we can even do this!

     This one is tough, because I know you all want to help and give suggestions.  And I do appreciate that you are thinking about me and wanting this to actually work this time!!!  But you have to remember, this is not our first time.  We've been going through secondary infertility for about 13 years now.  I've done my research, and I have a few girls that I ask questions to if I need to that are extremely helpful (Love my Dr. V's girls).  One who even had our same problem with the tube.  So she is my light at the end of the tunnel.  Thankyou babe... you know who you are ;).  So if you want to reach out to me... just tell me you're thinking of me... no need to give advice.  I promise you I've probably already heard it.  Sorry :/  I know that sounds ungrateful... and that's not how it's meant.

     Give me some time to process your messages.  I might "see" your message on facebook and not reply.  But I promise I'm not ignoring you.  There are just so many, and I feel like I don't have the words to reply without sending off an automated response.  I want to give each of you a nice reply, but I am just not that eloquent with words.  And I don't want to diminish your beautiful message by just saying "Thankyou".


Anyways... just a few thoughts I had this morning that I thought I'd share.  I feel loved and blessed today.  Off to my acupuncture consult!  Yay!

  

I'm ready!!!!!!

I'm slacking.  I haven't blogged in several months.  I haven't caught you all up on the adventures we've had (and there have been many since my beau returned- Ireland, Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Belgium, Spain, France, Switzerland... seriously... who's life is this????).  These past 5 months have just slipped on by! But if you follow me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen all of the pictures... so lets call it even :).

But here's what I want to talk about tonight.  We've been putting it off.  It's been about a year and a half since our last round of fertility CRAP (that failed).  But we're ready now.  We are tube free... yup... only a uterus to work with.  We made the huge decision to remove it last year.  Sex for procreation?  Um... not this girl.  The only sex we're gonna have is for fun!  Hehe!  But on the serious side... it really was a tough decision to make.  It meant we can never expect a miracle.  Removing the tube meant we will never make a baby on our own.  I felt like I was lost from the world... lost my "womanhood".  But... on the other hand... that left over tube was hindering us from our want for more children.  I blame the failed IVF on that stupid tube.  I was scared to start again, but we finally have a gap of time that we can dedicate to my little ole womb.

I wanted to keep it private this time.  It was so hard to tell people that it didn't work last time.  It hurt so much to say "Nope... no baby this time".  And to hear people say "Be grateful you already have one child".  Hello???!!!???  What exactly are you saying?  I'm not grateful for having A?  Of course I am dummy!  I love that kid more than anything in this world!  But... it doesn't lessen my pain of wanting another child.  Time is slipping away.  He'll be graduating in a few years and I'm just not done being a mommy yet!  And J didn't have enough time being a daddy.  Shit... he was practically gone for half of it!  I see that little glimmer in his eye when we talk about having another baby.  I was ok with this being over.  But he insisted on one more round.  "Just one more try" he said.  So... no matter how much it costs (thank you Tricare)... I want to give this to him.   I want to give it to myself!  I want to give it to A.  He needs a sibling.  And we need a baby darn it!

So today we started!  Day 15 of our cycle.  We did a "scratching" procedure which is supposed to help the embryos stick when it's time for embryo transfer.  I had my depot shot and should start the next cycle in about 8 days... according to the nurse.  From there we stimulate the eggies!  We couldn't be more excited.  I can't stop thinking about our little babies.  And John randomly interjects with name suggestions... and how they are all going to be boys.  ALL???  Apparently we are having twin or triplet boys. This is just today.  Tomorrow I might be a mess.  Who knows.