Gumbo!

Let me start by giving y'all a little background.  I was born in California, moved to my mom's hometown in Lockport, La when I was 10.  So, I've had (and made) a few gumbos in my 40 years on this planet.  Depending on where you are from in Louisiana, it can be made a little differently.  I've even heard of people putting boiled eggs in it.  I've had several requests in the past for my "recipe".  I've never really followed one though.  I just throw in what my family likes and it kind of changes a bit every time depending on how dark my roux is.  Yesterday I took pictures and notes... so here goes!
FYI, you can probably eat on this pot for an entire week or longer depending on how many people you are serving.  And it is fairly cheap even with a whole bag of shrimp.  You can leave the shrimp out and just make it a chicken/sausage gumbo if you prefer.

Ingredients:

- whole frying chicken
- Polska Kielbasa
- Large or Jumbo Shrimp
- head of celery
- 1 green bell pepper
- 1 yellow onion
- frozen okra
- 1 cup vegetable oil
- 1 cup flour
-  Cajun seasoning
- File' seasoning
- Rice

Instructions:

- Plan for 2-3 hours of cooking!

- Fill a large stock pot with enough water to cover your whole chicken.

- Cut off the butt of your head of celery and any leafy parts.  Also cut off the top and bottom of your onion (no need to peel because you'll be straining this liquid later).  Toss all of this into the pot along with your whole Chicken.  Season the water with a few shakes of Cajun seasoning or any seasoning salt you prefer (sorry I don't have a measurement, I just shake it a few times).  You could probably use old bay if that's what you have on hand.  I don't put a ton of seasoning in because we season our own bowls when it's ready.  My family is all over the place on the salt factor, so I keep it a little bland and salt my own.

- Boil the chicken for 45 minutes to an hour.  I turn my chicken over half way through boiling.  You can check the chicken by pulling the meat with a fork.  If it's easy to shred, you can move on to the next step.

- Remove the chicken from the pot and transfer to another bowl or strainer for shredding.  Strain the liquid stock to remove the onion and celery.  Return just the liquid to the pot and put your burner back on medium.  Shred your chicken and return to the pot as well.  We like big chunks of chicken.  My maw maw even left the bones when I was growing up.  So sometimes you'd have a bowl of gumbo with a fully intact chicken leg.  But now, I just shred everything and toss the skin and carcass in the trash.

- Slice your kielbasa and add to the pot now.

-  Chop the whole green bell pepper, 3-4 stalks of celery, and the rest of your yellow onion.  You should have equal parts of each of these.  They call this the trinity.  Set aside.

-  Time to prepare your roux.  This is where different versions can give you different tastes.  The roux gives you your gumbo's color.  Some people like it really dark brown.  My family likes it a little lighter like a stew.  Heat a large pan.  Add 1 cup of oil and 1 cup of flour.  Grab a whip and never let it stop moving.  Just keep stirring.  I start on high heat until the two ingredients are combined and start boiling.  Once boiling, you can reduce the heat to a medium high.  The mixture will slowly darken.  I lower my burner a little with each shade.  This process can take a good 15-20 minutes.  When your roux is a chocolatey color (almost like Nutella), it should be ready.  We prefer it to be just a tad lighter than that, but again it's all about preference.  The darker you make the roux, the more "nuttier" your gumbo will taste.  The biggest thing is to keep moving the mixture so it doesn't clump and burn too much.

- Now you can add your vegetable trinity to your roux.  Cook until the onions are almost translucent.  Then add all of it to your stock pot.  Combine well.  You can add more water if you want a thinner, soupier gumbo.  Or if you prefer a thicker gumbo, you can add more flour.  The skies the limit and I really think you can't go wrong either way.

- Simmer everything for about 30 minutes.  This is a little darker than I usually make it actually.

-Throw in your rinsed and peeled shrimp and the okra.  Okra will increase the slime factor.  I like it.  My boys do not.  So leave it out if you hate it.  Simmer this for another 15-20 minutes or so until the shrimps are done.  You can serve immediately or let it stand for a bit.  It will thicken a little.  I like Gumbo the next day when the flavors have melded together.

- Serve over rice!  Season to taste with more cajun seasoning/salt or even cayenne.  Top with file'.  It helps to have your Louisiana bestie send you the real file' that comes in a baby food jar.  That's the good stuff.  Or you can use the zatarain's shaker.  Enjoy!

Unexpected Thanksgiving

This is not how I planned you coming into this world.  You were supposed to be my fat little monkey.  But I guess you were anxious to meet Mommy and Daddy.

Thanksgiving Eve- Momma swore she lost a little bit of her mucous plug but wasn't too worried.  Had some heavy feeling most of the day but that was "usual".  

2:30am on Thanksgiving Day- Momma woke up to use the restroom as a usual early morning activity.  As soon as I got back into bed I felt a little cramping down below.  So many things went through my head so I couldn't go back to sleep.

3:00am- I felt a little snap and a leak so I jumped up out of bed and hollered for John.  I made it in time to the bathroom to see a large gush of fluid hit the floor.  It kept going.  I stood in the bathroom while Daddy packed a bag for the hospital.  Would today be the day we meet our little boy?  It's far too early!  You need to grow a little more.  Momma was scared and shaking in the bathroom.

3:30am- Was told by the nurse that we should come in so mama finally got dressed and waited in the car.  By the time we got to the hospital I soaked my clothes.  It was just like in the movies.  Crazy, I've read so many things saying it doesn't always happen like that but it was straight out of TV.

5:00am- After some monitoring and a check, we were informed that since we have ruptured... we needed to be transported to a facility that had a proper NICU.  They gave me a shot in the butt to help develop your lungs and sent us on our way in an ambulance to University Medical Center in El Paso.

8:00am- We spent alot of time in the triage center getting checked out and confirming that the waters definitely had broken.  Thank goodness there was no dilation and your heart beat was good and steady.  Another ultrasound to check on growth and they said you were around 4.6 lbs!  Good weight they say :).  But you will be a preemie.

Mama spent the next two weeks in the hospital letting you grow some more.  2 monitorings per day had her nerves wracked.  Sometimes your heartbeat would slow too much and would give us all a scare.  But you made it to 34 weeks with no infection in sight!

December 9th we began induction with pitocin.  It was a long day!  The contractions were pretty mild, but the night shift doctor suggested a foley balloon.  We've had experience with this before and the outcome was less than desirable.  The doctor insisted it was the right choice, so mommy hesitantly said ok.  Well... it was exactly how we remembered it with Aidan.  The pain was unmanageable and it didn't even help with dilation.  Mommy made the nurse remove it but the pain didn't stop.  We laid there for hours more with mind numbing pain before they finally allowed me to get an epidural.

December 10th we were promised a csection to get you out safely.  But the floor was busy!  So many other mommies delivering babies today!  The epidural wore off 3 times!!!  Finally we went to the operating room at 2pm and you came into this world at 2:30!  Mommy was shaking on the table the whole time.  The anesthesiologist was so kind and caring.  He talked me through every feeling.  His voice was soothing.  Daddy sat beside my head.  I could only see his eyes and it was hard to read his feelings.  But when you came out, I could see his smile.  He snapped a picture as they raised you over the curtain.  You were amazing.  You are amazing.  They showed you to us quickly but then took you to examine you.  You were having a little trouble breathing.  They put you in an incubator, but let me touch your hand before sending you to the NICU.  I missed you already. 

A Beautiful Secret

As we approach the arrival of this little dude, something has been weighing heavily on my mind.  I know it's no one's business and I don't need to explain our choices to anyone.  But it's hard to keep this secret.  And... it's kind of a big deal.  I've been telling friends and family when the opportunity presents itself, we just haven't made it officially public yet.

It's funny how things work out.  We never imagined conceiving a second child would be so difficult on our own.  It's no secret that we've struggled with infertility for about 15 years and have undergone multiple attempts at IVF/ICSI.  But after the 3rd try and thousands of dollars down the drain, we gave up.  We felt defeated and broken.  We were leaving Europe and we knew we would never get the opportunity to try again in the US because of the substantial increase in price here.  I was at a loss until I found a support group on FB for couples in our position.  Through that support group I researched different options and found our answer.  I researched clinics in the US, Turkey, Mexico, England, Ireland, Spain and Poland that provided the methods I was interested in.  We initially liked the idea of adopting embryos.  But in the end we chose to use fresh donor eggs and sperm so that we could possibly freeze a few and come back for a genetic sibling.  That's right.  This baby came from a different set of genetics.  He is ours and will always be loved the same way any child conceived through traditional means would be loved.  I want his story to be special.  I don't want it to be a secret that we should be ashamed to share.  Because it is amazing that we can do this!  My body is housing a baby created from another woman's eggs.  How cool is that??? 

I'm having trouble putting my feelings into words about this because there are just so many.  We were given this amazing blessing.  Something we weren't sure would ever happen.  A new life to hold.  I'm excited to meet him and watch him grow.  But I also worry.  I won't list my worries because I am choosing to put those out of my mind for now and cross those bridges when necessary.  But for now, both John and I are in complete bliss.

I've had several private messages asking "what did you do different this time".  So I guess I wanted to share this piece of our journey to help other couples.  Of course it took a long time to realize this was the path for us.  But now, I see that DNA does not make a family... love does.

Month 6!

Starting from where I left off.  I spent 5 extra weeks in Germany.  They were long and challenging.  Being without my husband during such a scary time was hard.  We lost one of the twins at 8 weeks.  We had our hearts set on 2 babies.  I was heartbroken and still think about that little angel that left us too soon.  I know he/she was only 8 weeks, but there was a heart beating inside me that just stopped and that was devastating to me.  I wanted these babies to grow up together.  Aidan being an only child was difficult.  I wanted nothing more than to give him a companion he could share memories with.  At times he would tell me he was lonely and wanted a brother.  I couldn't give that to him and in some ways I feel like I've failed him.  But, I know he will be fine.  It was just a dream I wanted for him.  We still have 4 beautiful embryos frozen in Spain.  So as soon as I'm cleared to carry again, I will go back alone and hope that we can do this one more time.  My body on the other hand hates pregnancy and never wants to do this again!  My morning sickness was horrific and is just now easing up a bit at 23 weeks.  Not to mention all of the other problems we've been having.  I know it will all be worth it in the end though :)

So what has been going on the last 4 months??  My German Dr. finally cleared me to fly at 11 weeks.  So on July 4th, I joined my guy in Pa where he completed one of his courses.  I thought we were in the clear as far as the bleeding was concerned.  She said the hematoma was nearly gone.  But... one evening while waiting to be seated at Red Lobster, I felt something off.  I went to the restroom and sure enough it was happening again.  I was calm this time, but still frightened.  I was over the 12 week mark, so I was sure we were in the safe zone.  At the ER, they did an extensive ultrasound which turned up absolutely NOTHING.  Baby was doing fine and even measuring ahead of schedule.

So off to Disney World we went the following week.  We wanted to celebrate Aidan's Birthday by doing something special this year.  After all, this would be the last time we could travel without a baby crying in the back seat.  He had a great time and the boys pushed me around in a wheel chair the whole time.  2 more visits to the ER while there, but still baby was doing great!  Just your normal, everyday pregnancy bleeding????  So frustrating.  But... it stopped.  August 7th was our last trip to the ER and I'm knocking on wood that it stays that way!

At 17 weeks, we planned our gender reveal!  I scheduled an ultrasound and asked the tech to please place the baby's gender in an envelope so we could find out later that evening.  She had us close our eyes during a lot of it.  I could hear John huffing and puffing beside me.  It was so hard to keep our eyes closed, but we did it.  We knew how we wanted to find out and the rest of the day we spent preparing for our reveal.  We wore white and filled 2 garden sprayers with paint.  Pink and Blue.  We had our photographer open the envelope to find out the sex and hand Aidan the appropriate sprayer.  There was no secret about it... I had been praying for a little girl.  Of course I would be happy with a boy and maybe I can get my girl on the next try.  When we turned around, Aidan sprayed us with BLUE paint.  I knew it was a boy.  I just had a feeling!  So, I guess I get to stay the princess of the house.  I'm not ready to be a queen yet anyways.  And my boys spoil me rotten!

We arrived in El Paso mid August and have been getting used to the area.  It took us a month to get into our new home because the Army has really screwed up our pay.  Hopefully it will all be fixed by October, but it's been a difficult transition.  I met my new doctor at 20 weeks.  He was great!  I really like him and hope he's around when we deliver this little dude.  At 21 weeks we had our anatomy scan.  Baby looked so cute in there with his little cheeks sucking away.  I loved seeing him again.  We did find out that I have Placenta Previa.  Normally the placenta is attached higher up in the uterus.  But mine is attached at the bottom.  It's only marginal though so it's not covering my cervix.  If it were covering the cervix it would mean definite C-section delivery.  But it's only next to the cervix.  So there is still a chance it can move up and we can still have a natural delivery.  But we will have another ultrasound at 30 weeks to see.

That's pretty much all to report for now!  We go in every 2 weeks since we are still considered high risk, but most of the appointments are great.  Really looking forward to meeting this little pumpkin :)

Thankyou to Amanda Bailey in Killeen, TX for the beautiful gender reveal pictures!!

Season Unending By: Aidan Kimball

There once was a Dragon, fast as the wind, impatient as an early human. He couldn’t stand long waits, as he could put a sudden end to any quarrel with his flame, and travel across the world within a day on the current of the wind and the strength of his grand wings. There was also a Forest, who grew slowly, and feared the Dragon’s devastating flame. Then there was the wise, humble, Owl. He was as patient as Father Time himself, and didn’t care for boasting or fighting. The Owl believed that anything that was meant to happen, would happen when it needed to, and that there would always be reason behind, or ahead of it. 

The Dragon and the Forest, had engaged in a war of which would never meet an end, until it’s participants had met theirs. The Owl, being humble as he is, never stated his opinion that they were fools, fighting as fools would. Instead he just lived with the war, and watched it rage, keeping his opinions to himself. The Dragon was growing tired of this war, he seeked to end it soon. The Forest was afraid of the war coming to it’s end, he seeked to prolong it until he was strong enough to overtake the Dragon. The two engaged in a verbal, rather than physical, dispute after some time.

“Greetings, Forest! I wish to have a word with you,” said the Dragon.

“I also need a word with you, Dragon,” replied the Forest.

“I would like to begin by apologizing for my destruction of the southernmost portion of your vast expanse,” stated the Dragon.

“I accept your apology, Dragon. I would like to inform you that I am very grateful that you decided to bring this war to the even playing field of verbal debate.”

“Very well then.” said Dragon. “As you may know, I require your wood to fuel my fire, and my life. A dragon does not produce his own fuel for his fire.”

“Yes, I am very aware of this and our previous arrangement regarding your portion of my vast expanse of trees and wood.”

“This war was waged because you were too slow to provide me with more wood when you could not regrow the agreed upon area of land,” raged the Dragon.

“And I told you that the reason for this is that I am not a forest of evergreens, but one of oaks and birches. The area could not repopulate during the recent winter as the temperature is too cold for the saplings to grow,” the Forest scolded.

“I understand that, but you denied that I have another area in exchange for the lack of growth in the other.”

“The reason why I denied your request is that you demanded a larger portion than the original we had agreed upon. That was entirely unacceptable! Seeing as how you literally burn through your “fuel” as though it were dry wood, you would keep demanding more and more throughout the rest of the winter. This would inevitably render the area barren, and thus, I would cease to exist!”

The Dragon stretched his head to the sky and, with a furious explicit yell in dragon-tongue, let fly a short stream of fire and fury, “This debate has stretched on long enough! The sky grows weary and is closing it’s eyes to rest. It is unwise to continue our conversation, for we too have grown weary, and weariness ebbs patience and reason. We should rest for tomorrow.”

Relieved, the Forest agreed and the two departed from conversation for the day, though neither of them got much sleep that night. They were too busy formulating verbal attacks and claims with evidence to back them up. The Owl had quietly said to himself, “ If only wisdom was a more common trait. The Forest could give Dragon seeds to plant his own personal forest, thus ending this futile war.”

The next day, Owl awoke to screaming, both from his fellow wildlife, and the Forest and Dragon. The wildlife within the Forest evacuated, following the Owl’s lead. They went to the southernmost part of the Forest, just on the border of the “Scorched Land”. There, they found solace in the river and large oaks. Owl found a mate in one of these trees, and they had built a family throughout the following years. They became the leaders of the wildlife, and preserved what had become known as “The Oasis”. All around the Oasis, Dragon and Forest fought both verbally, physically, and psychologically. The Forest stalled the Dragon as much as he could, while waiting for his trees to regrow. The Dragon tried as hard as he could to destroy the Forest quickly, but he kept giving the Forest more offenses to declare during their verbal debates. Throughout the years, Owl and his family prospered in their secluded home. The wildlife blossomed beautifully and steadily, maintaining a reasonable population. The Owl taught each new generation to just accept their reality, and not try to change it unless absolutely necessary. On his deathbed, Owl uttered to his wife a few words, only to be used should she be asked for help by those who’d rather destroy themselves, with minds controlled by greed and fear, over a childish argument.

The coming years brought forth a new Owl, who was essentially the reincarnation of his ancestor. Though, this time, he had a greater purpose. His mother’s last words to him were those of the previous Owl. It was that year, when the Forest was dwindling and the Dragon had grown old, that the war had ended, nearly killing them both. They looked upon the prosperity and liveliness of Oasis’s trees, and asked for a claim of it, so that they may restore the Forest’s expanse of trees and wildlife, which was now a barren wasteland of ash and earth dry as the Sahara.

“Oh wise Owl, Dragon and I wish to ask of you a favor,” began the Forest.

“You may speak,” replied Owl.

“We have destroyed my vast expanse of trees throughout the extent of our war,” stated the Forest. “We have noticed you have very luscious trees in your reclusive habitat, and we ask that you lend us some of the seeds from these trees so that we may replenish our supply of wood.”

    “I am sorry, but I cannot allow that. These trees are unable to sustain themselves in large numbers. They are too resource demanding.”

    “That is very inconvenient,” stated the Forest.

   

    The Dragon impatiently interjected, “Then maybe you may allow us to join your community. We will be peaceful and reserved. We will not bother your community. It would be as though we weren’t even there.”

    The Owl had remembered the words told to him by his mother. Realizing what they meant, as well as his responsibility with them, he fulfilled his purpose to end the war and protect his people.

“Here in my Oasis, we do not believe in war or conflict. Here in my Oasis, we do not let fear control our minds and actions. Here in my Oasis, we are patient and do not force our way to get what we want or need. Here in my Oasis, we do not stall or expedite the inevitable, we allow what was meant to happen, happen when it was meant to. We live with what we have and do not acquire more through force upon others. We are the true masters of fate in this way. The two of you, however, are the opposite of our community. You are fearful, impatient, and always have the need for “more”. I cannot allow you to join our community. I know that a time will come when you want to take over our Oasis and will destroy it through the process of another war. I know this because war, war never changes, because there will always be those who wish to create it, and those who do, will always remain the same.”

The Owl protected the community his father had created. Not long after they were rejected for the Oasis, the Forest and Dragon ceased to fight, for they ceased to exist. The Owl passed away, to be remembered as the saviour of the Oasis, for as long as there remained those who cared to remember. His story was sung by the birds, a story of true nobility, the story of a truly wise and humble creature of nature and of time.

Scary things...

I'm not going to lie... ever since we saw those 2 pink lines, I've been going back and forth with my emotions.  Some days I'm super positive and feel pregnant... others I'm waiting for something bad to happen.  Well, Saturday morning I woke up and one of my biggest fears came to life.  I saw blood.  Just a little, but enough to panic and run off to the ER.  I cried all the way there and while waiting to be seen.  I thought it was most certainly over.  Why is this happening to us.  We've never made it this far and it's already being taken away!  Well, the doctor did a quick scan and saw a nice little sac in there.  She laughed at me and said... you are pregnant, there is nothing to worry about.  I told her that we were pretty certain both embryos implanted, but she didn't even bother looking for a second sac!  It took me a little while to process that we now only had one baby after a whole week of thinking there were 2.  But I was OK.  I was happy that I had one baby at all.  She tested me for RH and it was positive so I do not need the "shot".  I asked her where the bleeding was coming from and she threw her hands up in the air and said "No one knows".  The rest of the evening I spent resting on the awful loaner bed. 

The next morning, we were supposed to visit with our old Landlords, but I was still spotting and not feeling very well.  I'm glad we didn't go because later that evening I began bleeding profusely and clotting!  More crying and panic came along with that.  We decided not to go back to the ER and instead went to the hospital up the road.  They didn't really have an ER, and they called the on call doctor to see me.  He did a scan and again we saw the sac and this time also a yolk.  But right next to that sac, there was another circle that appeared to be a second sac.  I told him our beliefs of both embryos implanting and he said yes... this is possibly the other one.  He said it was a hematoma.  I asked him if that could be caused from the other embryo leaving us.  He said yes.  I cried that I was losing a twin.  But I was relieved that the other sac was still in tact and seemed to be measuring OK.  I went home and researched Vanishing twins and hematomas.  I found a lot of information that led me to believe our second embryo was detaching from the wall and causing a blood clot. 

On Monday, the bleeding slowed down and went back to spotting again.  We finally went for that visit, but I felt a little off and uneasy so we didn't stay long.  John took me home and I went up to bed.  An hour later I felt a gush.  More heavy bleeding and clotting followed by painful cramping.  At one point I was on my knees crying.  I let the cramping continue for 4 hours hoping it would go away but it never let up.  So John finally took me back to the hospital at 11pm.  The sac was still OK but looked "squished".  The hematoma looked weird... almost like it had ruptured or something.  I asked the doctor if it could harm the baby and he said yes it's possible but that they would do what they could.  Which basically meant me staying over night with pain medication.  By 5am the pain was manageable again.  John brought me home and I spent the rest of the week resting as much as possible. 

Tuesday and Wednesday were house cleaning days, but my amazing husband handled everything for me.  I did do a little vacuuming but that was it.   John brought me to the hotel where I could lay in a more comfortable bed.  Time seemed to be slowing down.  I was so bored and all I could do was google about hematomas and vanishing twins.  I hoped that maybe we would find a miracle at the ultrasound, but I didn't want to get my hopes up.  John insisted that both babies were still in there and doing OK. 

Thursday was ultrasound day.  But not until 3:30pm!  It was the longest day of my life... or felt like it anyways.  John was still busy running errands and it was getting late.  So I decided to walk over to the clinic from our hotel.  I was scared.  I almost had a panic attack in the waiting room.  John and Aidan arrived and tried to make me giggle.  Finally at 4pm I was in Dr. N's office waiting for her.  She walked in and said... "So.. you were successful this time".  She knows how hard we've tried to get pregnant and she's seen me before every cycle for some procedure or another (hysteroscopy/laproscopy).  I said "Yes... but...".  She asked me what the "but" was about and I explained what happened over the weekend.  We went right over to the ultrasound machine to take a look.  While scanning around... I saw a couple of blobs that looked like sacs, but they appeared to be empty.  I tried to contain myself until she told me what was going on, but then she said... there is the heartbeat.  WHAT???  I was not expecting to see a heart beat.  I prepared myself that it might still be too early.  A lot of pregnancies don't see heart beats until week 7.  She then asked me how many we put in.  I said 2 and that I wasn't sure the other one was still there.  "Here is the other one... and here is the heartbeat".  TWO heartbeats!!!!  At this point I am crying happy tears.  I asked her if I could take a video.  I asked her if they were both OK.  Several times actually.  She said yes... both have normal heartbeats.  But that it is still very early and we need to be cautious with the hematoma.  It is under the placenta and that is better than being on top.  I told her about our plans to fly home on Saturday and she told me it was not a good idea.  John said I have to stay and take care of the babies.  He will go without me and I can come later.  Tonight I witnessed an amazing circle of support come to my aid.  So many people offered to help me with housing.  I am truly humbled by the generosity of these people.  This is amazing.  This is my miracle. 

Facebook

Well, I caved and posted our news on Facebook yesterday.  It was exactly one week since I tested at home.  We'd already told family and close friends.  I know that it is super duper early and anything can happen, I just needed to feel happy right now.  To celebrate with everyone.  Ever since we got the positive, it's been really hard for me to believe and accept that this is really happening for us.  I keep waiting for it to be taken away.  I'd created scenarios in my head and was teaching myself how to cope with any negative outcomes.  It's not healthy, I know.  But quite honestly... I've already self diagnosed myself with PTSD.  I do plan to talk to someone about this.  We've just had so much heartbreak on this journey.  15 years of trying, 1 ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my tubes, and 4.5 rounds of IVF over a 4 year period.   In any given cycle, at this point, I would be grieving a failure.  So my brain is pre-programmed already to not be happy.  I just needed to share the news and celebrate the moment.  I felt like hiding it was getting my feelings nowhere.  If I can say it out loud... maybe I can believe it too!  So I did!  And the outpouring of comments, hugs, tears even... truly made me feel better.  So... today I will be happy and celebrate this victory.  I still need to see hearts beating, but enjoying the now is good for the soul :)

2ww Symptoms

I know that searching for symptoms became a huge deal during my 2ww.  So I've decided to share mine for anyone else waiting :)

Day 0- Transfer of two grade AA hatching blasts around 1:30pm.  Slight cramping in the evening while resting.  More towards the lower left side.

Day 1- Found a tiny dot of brown cm around 11am.  Went walking in Cordoba.  Lots of steady cramping today.  Hope the walking wasn't too much.

Day 2- Laid around in the hotel today.  Mild cramping and lower back pain only when walking to lunch and dinner.  Felt one sharp stabbing pain in lower right mid afternoon.  Lasted less than a second.  Woke up at 2am feeling very full in the belly.  Couldn't get comfortable to go back to sleep for a while. Tummy soreness... kind of feels like I did a bunch of sit-ups.

Day 3- No cramping at all.  Very tired.  Headache but maybe from allergies.  Another sharp stabbing pain in the lower right in the evening.  Again... less than a second.  John concludes that the back pain is from the bed :P

Day 4- Ovaries are feeling sore or full.  No idea what this could be from.  Bloating is still there but not as bad.  Hungry all day.  Slight nausea.  Tired.  Fell asleep on the couch at 5pm.

Day 5- Little twinges this morning but not really uterus area.  Side stitch pain... still feels like ovaries but I can't pinpoint it.  Hard feeling in middle towards back.  Exhausted.  Took an afternoon nap.  Tiniest speck of brownish cm at 5pm.  Barely noticeable if I weren't paying attention.  Using the restroom a little more frequently.  Small uterine cramps on the left side towards back.  Breasts are feeling a little bit heavier and sensitive this evening.

Day 6- More bloating.  Hurts to button pants.  Peeing a lot!!  5 times before even drinking fluids this morning.  Little dizziness.  Little heartburn but I ate spicy chicken.

Day 7- Up at 4am to pee.  Cramping a bit this morning but eased up after my shower.  Very emotional. Cried over a chicken sandwhich.  POAS mid afternoon.  Solid BFP!!!

Day 8- POAS 4:30am.  Solid BFP!  Blood test at 9am.  HCG- 202!  Definitely pregnant.  Very exhausted today.  Dizzy.  Headache all afternoon and ended up throwing up later in the evening a few times.

Day 9- Very tired but better than previous days.  Breasts seem to be more tender in the evening.

Day 10- Symptoms seem to be vanishing.  Freaking out a little.  POAS again this afternoon and it seemed lighter.  Panicking!!!

Day 11- AF type cramping, ovary pains... what is going on in there???

Day 12- Sharper ovary pains in the evening.  Woke up at 4am with AF type cramping that lasted 2 hours.  Definitely going in for another blood test.

Day 13- Energy is a little better until later in the afternoon.  Then I was exhausted.  Blood test came back at 3412!!!  So still pregnant!  More AF type cramping in the evening.  Why are these worrying me?

Day 14- Spent the day relaxing since the previous day was a little emotional.  Dull achey cramps on and off today.

Blood tests!

Ooops!  I left the blog hanging for a whole week!  So anyways... after my dramatic pee stick incident, I scheduled a blood test for the following morning.  It was nerve wrecking to say the least!  I went up there at 9am.  It took all of 5 minutes and I was sent on my way and told to call back at 11:30.  The morning was stressful wondering what the results would say.  I went to the commissary and ran some errands.  In the middle of my errands I called the clinic but they told me the results weren't ready yet!!!  Ugh!!!  I was then told that someone would call me in 1-2 hours.  I waited THREE hours before panicking and calling them back.  But the phone went straight to a German voice mail!  I quickly found their website and noticed that the office closed at 2pm!  And the following day was a German Holiday. A big one... which probably meant they would be closed throughout the weekend.  I could not wait an entire weekend knowing what that test said so I texted my old doctor and asked him to pull up the results for me.  This felt very awkward.  I hadn't told him what we were doing, so it's kind of like I cheated on him.  But in my defense... I'd already given that clinic two rounds of our hard earned money to get us pregnant and they couldn't do it.  I felt guilty crawling back to them for a blood test, but I couldn't find another clinic nearby that would do it.  

So anyways... I went about my day and showed our house to a couple who was in the market for a new house.  The phone rang at 4pm while I was still showing the house.  It was the clinic!!!  They called to tell me that my blood HCG test came back at 202!  Progesterone 5.  202!!!  This is way higher than I'd expected since I believe a normal range would have been about 70-100 at this point.  I quickly sent an email to my patient coordinator in Spain and she called me right away.  She told me to maybe plan for 2, but I know those numbers don't necessarily mean twins.  But you never know!

Thursday I went in to our post clinic and got myself all set up to see a new obgyn so I could keep up with my prescriptions.  I can't stop taking the estrogen and progesterone until the 12th week and I was running out.  I was able to get in to see her the next day thanks to the nurse, doctor and tricare people.  They whipped out an ASAP referral for me in less than an hour.  It feels so great to finally have Tricare approving something related to my fertility.  All of these years... 40k out of pocket and I finally get to make insurance pay for something!!  

Friday afternoon I had a little meltdown.  I was convinced that this pregnancy wasn't real and I insisted on peeing on another stick.  It was stupid and I will never do it again.  The line came out lighter!!!  I spent the entire weekend torturing myself with google and things that could have gone wrong.  And before you think it... yes I know stress is bad but I honestly just can't control my feelings right now.  I don't know what's real.  The cramps, ovary pains, and other symptoms all worry me.  I wasn't planning on taking another blood test, but by Sunday I decided that I needed to know for sure that something was still growing inside me.  So Monday morning I went back in.  Another quick draw and I was off to worry for the remainder of the day.  It wasn't so bad, I had Denise with me.  It was her last day in Germany and I drove her to finish up her errands.  

Again I was told to call at 11:30, and again I was told to wait longer.  Finally at 12:30, I called again and asked for my results.  The lady said the results were good but she didn't tell me the number.  I asked her to please give me the number and she put me on hold.  Another lady came on the line and told me the results were "positive".  I asked again to please tell me the HCG level and she again put me on hold.  I really don't think these people understand the amount of torture waiting can be when you are in this position.  Finally she came back on and told me the HCG level was 3412!!!  Progesterone 6.  

A quick beta calculation said that the number is doubling every 29 hours.  Normal is 48-72.  Again, not a good predictor of twins... but Wahoooooo... they are rising and that is something to be happy about!  I still can't officially celebrate until I see a heartbeat(s) on the ultrasound next week... but for now I can be calmer and embrace each little step in the right direction :)

One year later...

It's hard to believe its been almost a year since I wrote in this blog.  So much has happened.  We moved into a new house, John left a few times, we went to Italy, London, Scotland, Belgium, France, and Amsterdam.  The army told us we had to go, then we got to stay again, then we had to go even sooner.  Now we're set to move to El Paso in just a few short weeks.  Well... from the moment they told us it was game over on our permanent European Vacation... I jumped into IVF mode again!  With only 3 short months left, I knew we had to make the most of this time and try just once more.  But.. Germany wasn't working for us.  So I researched clinics in Prague and Spain.  John was away on a field trip... but he gave me the go ahead to scope out a clinic in person.  It was a nice little girls trip!  Denise and I enjoyed the Spanish Sangria and Sun!  The clinic was amazing and the patient coordinator replied to my emails so quickly.  I met the doctor and he did a mock transfer and right away gave me my prescriptions.  This place is my answer!  I'll spare you all of the druggy details... but everything was going perfectly!

John and I booked a week long stay at a beautiful resort just outside of Malaga.  On Transfer day (Cinco De Mayo!), I had a quick 10 minute acupuncture before seeing the doctor and embryologist.  Let me just tell you... 5 people in lab coats came into the room beaming with positivity!  They could not wait to tell me about our embryos!  Dr. S couldn't stop smiling!  He handed me a printed sheet with 8 beautiful Embryos!  One little one stopped growing, but the other 7 were amazing!  2 were Graded AA and already hatching.  He explained to me that these embryos could be found in a textbook and that they have a very high chance of sticking!  I didn't know what to say... I just started crying.  My patient coordinator (M) grabbed a hold of my arm with excitement too.  The doctor told us now that we only should transfer one embryo due to the risk of twins.  I looked at John and cried some more.  He then suggested that if we do transfer 2, we should transfer one high quality and one lower quality.  This guy really doesn't want us having twins.  I know it's a risk and there is with any pregnancy.  We have been doing this for so many years, I really just want to be certain that one will stick.  So we decided on transferring the 2 best embryos anyways.  The embryologist laughed and said in Spanish "Prepare for a double Prom".

They wheeled me to the transfer room and up I went into the stirrups for the hundredth time.  We watched the catheter go in and release our two beautiful embabies!  It was so fast and easy... I was out of there in less than 20 minutes.  The doctor left us to rest for five minutes and wished us lots of luck.  Before leaving the clinic, I hugged M and noticed the office was quiet.  Everyone had gone out for their afternoon Siesta!!!!  LOL!  Spaniards take their Siestas seriously!

John and I took a leisurely stroll back to the car.  Normally I would have made him pull it around.  In the past, I've always been so delicate with myself.  Scared to dislodge the embryos.  No sneezing... no bumpy car rides... no walking.  But this time... I decided to just go with the flow.  We drove an hour back to our hotel and then walked to dinner.  The next few days were filled with ups and downs.  On day one... we decided to go out sight seeing in Cordoba.  I had every intention of taking it easy.  However, we lost track of time and ended up walking quite a bit.  By the end of the day I had myself convinced that I'd ruined the cycle because of the pure exhaustion I felt.  But the next day we rested... ALL DAY.  Talk about boring.  I googled every scenario I could think of.  I could pick out several "symptoms".  Then again, I felt all of these things could be contributed to the progesterone I'm on. 

We got back to Germany a week later ready for business.  The movers were coming in just a day and a half!!!  So much organizing and work to do and I was still worried about taking it easy.  John did all of the heavy lifting for me though.  The movers came and went.  They were pretty great and worked quickly.  Our things were packed and in their crates in a day and a half.

Tuesday, May 12.  I finally decided to swing by the post office and pick up the pregnancy tests I'd pre-ordered before leaving for Spain.  My reasoning behind ordering them and not just buying them in the commissary was that it would be too tempting to test early.  This way, I'd have to wait until the tests arrived in the mail.  Well they got there pretty quickly and it was torture driving past the post office every day.  But we were busy and I didn't have time to stop anyways.  Still 2 full days before I was allowed to take a blood test.  But having these pee sticks staring me in the face was awful!  John tried to steal them and hide them away... but I begged him to leave them.

My heart was racing all afternoon staring at these sticks.  I even had a big cry over it.  John told me I needed to wait... but my heart just needed to know the answer.  I snuck off with a cup and a stick.  I was going to wait the whole 3 minutes before looking at the result window... but again... I can't control myself.  I watched the lines quickly fade into focus.  OMG!!!  There are two lines!!!!  I grabbed the stick and went running down the stairs hollering for John.  "Baby... I peed on the stick... I'm so sorry.. I had to".  He looked at the stick and grabbed me as I shook in his arms crying.  I looked up at him and he had tears in his eyes too!  I kept looking at the stick not believing that it was true.  I still don't believe it's true!  I will go in for a blood test tomorrow morning... but for now I'm remaining cautiously optimistic!  15 years.  FIFTEEN!!!  I can't believe this!!!  I won't believe this until it's confirmed by a beating heart.  Please Let this be real!!!

One more time???

At the moment, this has been THE most difficult 2 weeks of my life.  I went from planning a new baby, to planning the rest of my life without ever having a new baby, to possibly trying one more time.  I'm learning that my husband just can not stand to see me unhappy.  He is willing to give me anything I want just to keep me from crying.  I've cried myself to sleep in his arms almost every night since we got our bad news.  I've been fighting so hard to accept that this was the end of the road for us, but it's so much harder than I expected.  I wanted A to have a sibling.  I know it's late but I still wanted it for him.  I wanted John to experience the milestones that he missed out on while being deployed so many damn times during A's childhood.  My heart breaks for my son.  He has struggled so much with his daddy being gone so much.  I just can't always fill those father shoes for him.  I can only hope the time in between has made up for it.  I wanted to have my husband with me while I carried our child, while we watched his milestones together.  He has missed so much.  And I know there are worse situations, but I can't control the hurt.  I can't make the yearning go away.  We wanted more.  Yes we are happy with the ONE we have, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept not being able to have another.  I am so tired of responding to that remark.  Secondary infertility is painful too.

And so with this our journey WILL continue..  The next thing we will try is immune testing.  I've had this feeling that my body is just killing the embryos as soon as they enter.  Little did I know, this is a real issue and has caused many woman multiple implantation failures and miscarriage.  We will test to find out if this is affecting us, but also work on improving embryo quality.  3-6 months is our new projected timeline.  But first we are on the hunt for a new clinic that provides these types of testing.  Turkey is on the top of the list!  Thankyou for your continued prayers and support.

When?

Well.  That last round was a bust too.  I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to accept it and move on.  But the heart wants what it wants.  I'm not really sure how or when my mind will say enough is enough.  I tried doing other things to distract me from the reality, but it's just not working.  I find myself crying in the middle of a park full of people pushing strollers.  I know John is frustrated with me.  He keeps telling me to let it go, but I just don't know how.  How do you give up on a dream?  How do you just let something go that you've wanted all your life?  People keep telling me to be grateful for what I have in my life...a son and an amazing husband.  I promise you that I am beyond grateful that I have these boys in my life.  But it does not take away my need to be a mommy again.  I am so overwhelmed with sadness right now and just can't see the end of the tunnel yet.  I need some time...and some space to learn how to accept this.

Again with the waiting.

Woke up super early Wed morning to drive up to Nurnberg for the transfer.  Met with the embryologist first who showed us our 2 embryos to be transferred.  She started off by saying "Today we have 2 beautiful embryos to be transferred".  I liked the word beautiful so I got excited.  She told us that one had progressed to a full Blastocyst.  We've never had a blast before.  The 2nd embryo was a morula.  I asked if it was a better quality morula than last time and she said yes.  The assisted hatching was performed the day before and she showed me pictures of what they looked like after the hatching, but I can't recall what they looked like.  In hindsight, I wish I'd asked to keep those pictures as well.

The doctor came in and asked if I had any questions.  I just kept asking if these embryos were better than last time.  He said yes and that the blastocyst had a very high chance of implanting.  So I'm crossing my fingers so hard!  This was John's very first embryo transfer.  He couldn't make it to the first two, so I'm hoping he was a little good luck charm.  I think the father should be present during this procedure for it to work don't you?  We saw the little specs on the monitor and watched as they sucked them up into the catheter.  John held my hand while the doctor placed them inside my uterus.  And we were left to rest for 10 minutes on the chair.

Here we are 4 days past 5 day transfer.  My hopes are dwindling.  The unknown is scary and I'm feeling quite negative about it.  I know it's just a defense of mine to prepare myself for a negative outcome, but I just can't help myself.  John wants me to be more positive.  But really... this is our 3rd IVF and one that was cancelled mid cycle.  I'm finding it really hard to believe that it would actually work for us.

As far as symptoms go, I've had some minor cramping on and off since the day after and sore BB's.  But I had that last time too and I contributed it to the progesterone.  This time I've added a 3 shots of Brevactid (hcg).  I had my last shot of it this morning, so it won't be out of my system for a few days.  The doctor said I could take a home test on Friday, but I'm worried that will be too early with the hcg still in my system from the shot.  We also have Rock Im Park tickets for the whole weekend... so if it's bad news, I just know I won't be the best company to my sweet husband.  Decisions, decisions :/

Assisted Hatching.

After the egg retrieval on Friday, we did a lot of talking about Assisted Hatching.  On Saturday morning, I messaged the doctor to see how many embryos were developing.  He messaged me later that afternoon to let me know that we had 4 good quality ones left and 2 minor quality ones.  I wrote back letting him know that we had some concerns about the procedure.  He called me on Monday evening to address those concerns.  #1... I'm not going to lie, the costs of the procedure were pretty important to us.  We've already spent almost $7000, we needed to make sure we could first afford this "extra".  There is no point in asking any other questions if we couldn't.  I was relieved when he said it was only an additional 150-200 euro.  #2... Will this increase the risk of birth defects or disorders?  I know this should have been the first question, but I was already convinced that the procedure wouldn't be offered if this was a concern.  The doctor told me that that is all in the chromosomes and has nothing to do with any of the things we do to try and force implantation.  I guess in reality... everything IVF/ICSI or even conceiving naturally has those risks so theres nothing you can do about it.  #3... Is there a risk of damaging the embryo during the procedure?  Yes, but it's a very small risk and the embryo can be damaged at any stage of the process even without assisted hatching.  So we said go for it!  

Tuesday- The embryos were "assisted".  Got a quick text from my Doctor saying that we have 3 good quality embryos after the assisted hatching for tomorrow's transfer!  3 is good.  It's more than 0.  I'm still nervous that we will lose more overnight, but hoping all 3 stay strong!  Up bright and early tomorrow to put our babies in!  

Straight to the Point.

It's almost like this is just getting old to me.  I don't feel like writing much about today so I'm going to keep it simple for documentation purposes.  Everything went smoothly.  Once we got to the clinic it was like hitting all the green lights on the way in.  I didn't have to stop a single time and wait.  Up on the table... told doc good luck and see you on the other side.  Woke up crying a teency bit and right away asked the nurse if I could leave.  She had me lay there for about 30 minutes and it was onto my followup visit with the doc.  He said they retrieved "at least" 6 eggs but that they were still looking around in the fluid in the dish.  So there is a possibility there are more and I can call to check on them tomorrow.  I asked a question about the HCG shot helping with implantation.  He prescribed me Brevactid and told me to take it on day 2 after the puncture, again the day after embryo Transfer, and again 3 days later.  He said basically what it does is forces your body to produce it's own progesterone.  I still have to take half of the dose of the actual progesterone pills... but my own natural progesterone should be better right?

Also last week when I had my mini breakdown in his office, I told him this was our last time, we can't afford it anymore and I wanted to know what we can do to assist implantation.  He suggested a method of "shaving" the embryo if it's outer layer (the zona) is too thick.  I registered it into the vault but didn't ask anymore questions.  Upon researching it further, I've concluded that he was talking about Assisted Hatching.  It is beneficial to older women (35 and above) who have problems with implantation due to lower quality embryos and hardening of the zona layer.  This concerned John because we aren't sure exactly what being a low quality embryo means.  Further research leads me to believe that the embryo quality only affects it's success of implantation.  I would like to assume that if the embryo had any other defects, my body would reject it naturally.  But I will confirm this idea with the doctor tomorrow and ask for other risk factors.  So... as of now... 6 eggs are fertilizing in a little petri dish :)

The Appointment.

This is the appointment that always has me frazzled.  Every time.  The one right before we schedule our Egg retrieval that basically makes me feel like my ovaries are failures because they aren't producing enough follicles.  There never is much difference even with the changing of medications.  Still about the same.  Today I went in for my second scan.  Guess what!  We have 13 total follicles!  This is more than we've ever had.  Only 8 seem healthy enough for retrieval... but even that is more than last time when I had 6 good sized ones.  So I can be satisfied with that.  4 fatties on each side.  2 skinnies on the right and 3 skinnies on the left.  We'll go with that.  Egg retrieval is scheduled for Freitag!

Three. Point. Five.

I'm back again!  Starting from scratch.  After the last round, I was at a complete loss.  I thought everything was going perfect and it was a sure thing.  But again it resulted in a big fat FAIL.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can take... but I'm forcing myself to complete one more round.  Forget about the $20,000 we've spent on this shit.  I want babies dammit.  I'm telling myself that this is the LAST round and we'll just have to accept whatever outcome.  But then again... I'm an addict.  I need babies in my life.  Our babies.  I refuse to be an empty nester before my 40's.  REFUSE!!!!  So please, please, please... let this be!!!

So... after every round, I find new things I should be doing to make sure everything is right.  I found out about this procedure called a hysteroscopy.  It's basically just a scope that goes in through your cervix to check out your uterus.  Make sure there are no adhesions, polyps, or scar tissue hanging around preventing implantation.  I immediately thought to myself... WHAT THE HECK!  Why didn't we do this to begin with???  Why didn't they just do it when they removed my other tube?  WTF!!!  Could have solved the whole problem right?  Well anyways... I went in for the procedure in April.  Doc said my uterus was clean.  Dangit!  As stupid as it sounds... I'd hoped for something in there to be removed so I knew what the problem was.   But there wasn't... and I am fine.  So what the heck is keeping those little boogers from implanting???  I texted IVF doc and he said I could start right away.  Don't even need to wait a cycle or 2 after the procedure.  Do it now.  I read a few fertility boards and girls were saying they were more fertile after this kind of procedure (for something like 2-3 months after).  No one knows why... but the rates went up.  And John is leaving randomly over the next few months... so it's now or never I guess.  So we jumped right in!

Fertility Doc said he didn't even need to see me.  Just pick up my prescription and schedule and start my shots on day 1.  Well... I waited and waited for Aunt Flo to come.  That bitch was late.  I had a girls trip planned with R that weekend, but one of my shots needed to stay refrigerated.  You know what... carrying around a freezer bag with an ice pack to keep your syringes cold is a huge pain in the ass!  My drive to the airport was 3 hours...so by the time I got there the ice pack had melted.  The security people let me bring it through even though it was over 3 ounces of liquid... but they gave me some crazy looks.  The flight attendant was very helpful and put my shots in the fridge on the plane.  But when we got to the hotel, we didn't have a real fridge... it was a cooler.  So it wasn't cold enough.  I had to constantly fill my bag with ice from the machine.  I checked it morning and night to refill the bag with ice chips.  Then on my return flight... I went to McDonald's for ice for the drive home.

So Anyways... Aunt flo finally showed up on Mother's Day.  I promised I wasn't going to look for signs this time.  But how freaking ironic is that.  Then again, she came on my Birthday and Valentines Day last time too.  So forget about the signs I guess.  I was told to come for an ultrasound on Day 6- today.  I chose to go alone this time.  I don't want to make a huge deal out of everything since I've pretty much convinced myself that it is not happening.  The doctor changed my prescription to Menegon instead of Puregon.  I've been sticking myself with 5 needles every morning.  Yeah... it has been pretty sucky and I've got some major bruises in my belly.  I was hoping that the change of medication would mean my ovaries would respond better.  My right ovary even felt more active than usual.  Lots of twinges and flutters.  And that FAT feeling.  Just plain yucky all week.  I'm tired, bloated, nauseous, and crampy.  Forget about the gym... it's not gonna happen this time.  I know I was gung ho last time to not gain weight.  But I really just don't give a shit this time.  I can lose it later.  And right now... 7 layer burritos make me happy.

I was late to my appointment because of parking and threw a little fit in the car.  My hormones have been raging all month.  So there have been lots of tears and screaming at random shit.  I ended up having to park about a mile away.  Probably a good thing since I haven't been going to the gym :P.  Get to the office and end up waiting for 20 minutes.  Finally see the doctor and he's all... "how are you feeling" pointing to his belly.  I'm cracking up at this for some weird reason.  Brush the comment away and tell him I gave myself too big of a dose today.  He says it doesn't matter and tells me to undress.  I'm not even sure what I was expecting.  All of my feelings just kind of disappeared waiting for him to tell me what he sees.  Immediately after the fun wand was inserted... he made a weird aha sound.  Like he'd discovered something interesting, but didn't acknowledge it any further.  He went into checking my uterus... but I blanked and can't even remember what he said.  Then he found my right ovary and said... here are 3 big ones... and 2 more.  He measured one of them at 14mm.  He seemed pleased with that.   I swear I saw a few more tiny ones, but I'm assuming they won't amount to anything. Then he moved over to the left ovary.  He said she's hiding behind your uterus... I can't see it.  That damn ovary!  He says maybe he will be able to see it at the next ultrasound on Wed.  So we are just hoping.  That's it... we are waiting and hoping.  Update next Wed!

And here is My JUNKIE station:

My Heart is smiling :)

I'm not sure if this is rebound happy or what... but I feel pretty good today.  I woke up ready to conquer our infertility.  I want to slap that B* in the face!  She can't knock me down and expect me not to get back up ready to fight even harder!  So I made my plans, and I'm getting more things "checked out" before our next try.  Things I hadn't even thought about until now and wondered why the doctors hadn't suggested it in the first place.  We have learned something new with each round.  Mainly because I've done more googling than I care to admit.  I've even planned a way to fund it all!  I'm so excited about how many responded to my Mini Session Event in April.  If everyone shows up, I should be able to make more than half of what I need.  It's lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  I just hope I can handle this many clients in one weekend!

So anyways... I brushed myself off this morning and hopped off to Nurnberg with D for lunch and a quick stop at the Apotheke.  I was hoping to be refunded the taxes I paid for my medications.  They'd never seen our VAT forms though... so I have to wait a little while.  Hopefully this doesn't turn into another battle because I will go to my old pharmacy next time if that is the case.  If you don't live in Germany... you might not know that taxes here are insane!!!  19%!!!  If we calculated correctly, I should be able to get about 300 euro back.  Anyways, that's all.  I just wanted you all to know that I am in a happy place... you don't have to put a 24 hour watch on me :).  We are doing fine... and we appreciate all of your comforting comments, emails, texts, and phone calls.  My Heart is smiling today :)