It's NOT Working!! Or is it??

I confess... I am a daily scale checker. I just can't help myself. At one point my weight even went up 4 lbs from my original starting point. What a frustrating way to do this. Every week I check the scale and have only seen about a pound difference. I was convinced my workouts weren't enough this time, so I invested in a heavy bag and have been taking out my frustrations on it. I also dug out an old step from the attic and had a time learning the moves again while tripping over my feet. This morning I weighed myself again and the scale is finally moving in the direction I want it to. 5 lbs gone! My goal was 10 for this month and I still have a week left. I'm sure with our trip to Majorca, that's going to be a little more difficult than expected, and I might even put a few back on. But I'm going to try my darndest not to! It's awesome what the power of a pound can do for your motivation! Trying to stay positive and not give up! Week 4 begins today!!!

Ready for change...

10 years ago I was on a mission to lose weight while John was deployed in Iraq.  I was determined and nothing was going to stop me.  I followed a strict diet and did my workout program every day.  I wanted to get sexy for my John-o before he came back.  I even carried my workouts with me on vacation.  I lost 40 lbs. 

You look at me now and ask... how do you go back to living like this after you lost so much weight?  Trust me, it wasn't planned, and I wasn't happy about it.  John came home and I tried to stick to the program.  But it was too easy to go out to eat or skip a workout while he was home.  I'm not blaming it on him at all.  But here is the real truth.  Shortly after his return, we found out we were pregnant again.  It was a miracle baby.  We had been trying for about 4-5 years for this.  We were thrilled.  I even continued to do my workouts to keep my body as healthy as possible.  A couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I noticed some spotting.  I went to the doctor and was told that I was probably having an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't believe it, and I fought to keep the pregnancy.  I kept coming back for blood tests every day to make sure my levels were normal.  But they were far from normal and it was a lost cause.  The doctor gave me the methotrexate shot to dissolve the pregnancy.  It didn't work and I was in the emergency room twice complaining of severe abdominal pain.  They kept saying I was fine and that I just needed to go home and get some rest.  I felt like I was dying.  I had John bring me back one more time because I knew something wasn't right.  But the doctors couldn't figure it out by ultrasound, so they decided to go in by laproscopy to assess the situation.  Come to find out, my tube had burst and I was bleeding a slow death (well... this is my conclusion from the excruciating pain I was feeling).  They had to cut me open along the old c-section scar to remove the pieces and clean up the mess.  When I woke up, John was over me and asked me if they spoke to me.  They hadn't yet, so he had to break the bad news to me that my tube was gone.  I was horrified.  All I could think of was that I could not have anymore babies because of it.  They didn't do a very good job of stitching me up because the wound got infected very quickly.  So they had to cut it open a little more to let it heal.  My recovery was not fast.  It took me months to heal, and even longer to come to terms with it.  I was depressed, and I gave up on workout out or eating right.  I became comfortable with my new way of living and I had no determination to get my body back.

Here I am world.  182 lbs.  I've been happy the last few years with my life.  I'm in Germany seeing the world.  I have an amazing husband who does anything to make me happy (even when he's gone).  I have a successful photography business.  And awesome friends.  The only thing that could make me happier would be getting pregnant.  But I've already written about that, so I won't talk more about it now.  Anyways, a few days ago I was photographing a friend.  She inspired me.  I don't know what it was... but something just "clicked".  I want that back.  I want my old body back.  I did it once before, why can't I do it again?  And I have 3 months until John comes for a visit.  The program I did last time was exactly 3 months.  I have to do it.  I know I have to do it for ME... but I want to do it for him too.  It's got to be hard watching your spouse slip away.  He hasn't changed in my eyes.  He's still just as sexy and attractive to me as the day I met him.  A little older, but that just makes him sexier to me.  So.. here I am starting my new journey.  I hope people can be supportive and understanding.  It was easier last time when I was cooped up in my house with no friends.  And I know there will be temptations this time around.  And I hope that my body takes to this new routine soon.  I'll report back in 30 days and let you all know how it's going ;)

World Travelers...

What's new.  Lets see... I had my surgery, and we are taking a little break from IVF until after summer. I don't want to be depressed with that crap all summer.  I'd rather be spending it traveling with my "almost" TEENAGER!!!  J-boy went on his bi-annual field trip to the desert.  This one feels like it could go by much quicker than the last (for Aidan and I at least).  Not sure I can say the same for J.  He misses flying, and I don't blame him.  Who could be happy being a desk jockey for 6 months (or more)?  Waste of a good pilot if you ask me.  At least this gives him the opportunity to go back to school.  He's such a smarty too!

But ANYWAY....... 

Aidan and I are at it again.  Traveling, keeping busy, passing the time until he returns.  Last time it was a visit with the folks in AZ and a visit with my BFF in Hawaii.  This time we are at it alone.  No plans to visit friends or family... just to get to know this beautiful land.  It's so easy to hop in the car and drive 6 hours to Paris, or 5 hours to Italy.  Or even a cheap Ryan Air flight to some place I've never even heard of before.  Why not?  The only obstacle is kenneling the hunds.  But even that isn't very difficult.  Ok... maybe it could get expensive (Thankyou photography chump change!), but if we plan it just right we can see half of this place by the time he comes home and the other half when he is here.

Before John left we did Paris for block leave.  Amazingness.  I took a couple of girl trips without Aidan.  Poland to shop for Polish Pottery.  I loved the cute little B&B we stayed at (Blue Beetroot).  And a ladies trip to Amsterdam... love the canals there!  But Italy?!?!  Wow!  Aidan and I tackled the west coast all on our own.  I was so nervous about doing it... but we dove in head first and made a great adventure out of it.  We ate the most amazing pasta in Cinque Terre and road peddle boats in the Italian Riviera.   I've never seen water so clear as we saw on the Island of Sardinia.  Stintino was like a giant natural swimming pool.  We did the touristy things too... saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Leonardo Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" in Milan.  I hope this kid remembers what an experience it was.  I know it would have been better had Dad been with us.  But there will be plenty more to see later.  I remember seeing the Grand Canyon when I was young.  I thought it was pretty cool... but I'm not sure I appreciated it as much as I would if I saw it now.  I am thankful to my parents for taking us to see it, and for the memories, but I don't remember having the goosebumps I get now when I see things like that.  I actually cried when I saw the Mona Lisa even though it was so much smaller than I had expected.  John laughed at me and the two of them got a kick out of joking on me about it later.  I can't help it.  I am a sentimental girl and yeah... i cry over spilled milk :P .  

We are home for a few weeks now... relaxing and giving the checkbook a break.  Doing a couple of sessions to help pay for our adventures.  But at the end of the month, we are off to Austria with a bunch of cool girls.  Aidan is excited to see the Salt mines in Salzburg.  And I'm excited to see Vienna!  I'm also hoping for a trip to Gran Canaria in August as a Happy Birthday to ME getaway.  We'll see though.  

That's pretty much that!  Counting down the days until my best friend returns... miss him madly.

Vow of FB Silence...

When you marry a soldier, there are certain things that come along with it. One of them involves keeping your mouth shut when it needs to be shut. When J is deployed, I try to stay away from any form of News.... TV, yahoo and so forth. Well here lately, avoiding the news doesn't even matter because I'm going to find out eventually through Facebook about the most recent attack, crash, or injury. Guess what people!!!?? I'd rather not know... and you have no place to be talking about it on Facebook of all places. ESPECIALLY if the incident happened in your own immediate company. Little comments like "freaking out about my soldier"... or "praying for my friend"... any of it will send your followers into an uproar. Just don't do it. Keep whatever information you have (that you shouldn't have in the first place mind you) private!!! This really hits a sore spot for me as I've seen loss with my own friends recently. And guess what... it's not your place to contact the person in question either. Do you really want your voice or face to be what she remembers when she found out?? Let the Army do it's job. There are trained officers that handle this stuff. The best thing to do during a blackout is to "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT". I wouldn't even be posting random, curious, trivia like statements on FB. It does no one any good. If you need to talk it out, fine... do it in the privacy of your own home or a friends home. I'm taking a new vow this go around. If I see anyone posting little comments like that during a blackout or after recent news of an "incident"... they have no place on my friends list. Lets take a vow of silence ladies. We owe it to each other and especially to our men. It's the right thing to do. Just sayin...

Paid Vacation???

I need to get this off my chest. It's one of those things that irks me and just makes me want to scream at people. As a military member, you accrue 2.5 days per month towards Leave. It takes 1 year to save up 30 days. And 3 years to save up 90 (the max you can save up before you start losing them). So when my husband goes on "Leave" for 30 days, and someone says to me... "Must be nice to have a month off with pay", I really want to scream. Remember how nice it was for me.. when he is gone for 1 year at a time every other year. This Leave came with a price. We've earned it. We've saved those days all year waiting to enjoy one last month of togetherness before he is shipped off to the middle of nowhere again. It must be nice to not have to worry about those kind of things though. I would gladly give up 30 days of paid leave to keep my man home for more than 12 consecutive months at a time. Just sayin...

Another chance...

Yesterday, what was left of my tubes were removed and the gaps leading into my uterus were closed off. I had a minor moment of weakness in the recovery room when I realized what I'd just done. I regretted it up until today. But we went in to see the doctor today for a followup and she showed us pictures of what they looked like before the surgery. They were huge, swollen and blocked with scar tissue. The regret was then relief. They are gone now and we can start with a clean slate. They were just another hurdle to our baby making. But now we can start again. I hope this was the answer and we will have more beautiful baby Kimballs soon. I'm nervous, anxious, and excited about the next round!

Bye Bye Fallopian Tubes...

Yesterday we finally went in to see the OB that will do my surgery. At first I was impatient and wanted to have this done immediately. But after Tricare pulled their stunt with taking away our medication costs, I got frustrated and gave up. After all... that means another 1000 euro or so to add on top of what we already paid and will be paying again. Yes I'm complaining, and I know I should consider myself lucky that we aren't doing this in the states. I know it costs 3 times as much there. But this was one of the many reasons we came to Germany. Because we were told fertility treatments were easier to obtain here. And now Tricare is making that even more impossible.

We decided to take our time with this. Some days I am ready for the next step... some I am so negative about the whole experience, I just don't care to put myself through it again. But I will because I do want more babies. So the next step is one I thought about long and hard. Removing what is left of my tubes. It was not an easy decision... do not be excited about this "for me". It's not exciting for me and it does not make me happy. Remember, 4 months ago I had no idea my girlie parts were deceiving me. I just thought "it wasn't our time"... "it will happen when it happens". NO! IT WON'T. It will happen WHEN I MAKE IT HAPPEN! And now I am taking away any chance of it ever happening on it's own. No matter what the doctors tell me... there is still that little thought in my head that says... but what if we had a miracle. What if one of those embryo's fought it's way so hard to make it down the tube through the scar tissue and MADE IT! This surgery will remove any of that hope. And I am incredibly sad about it. But... I will do what I have to to remove any and all obstacles standing in our way for our next round of IVF.

I met the OB yesterday and she was very nice. I like her and look forward to seeing her when we do get pregnant. She explained the surgery to me. It is a simple outpatient surgery... laparoscopically done through the naval and then two on the right and left sides of my abdomen. They will cut out the remaining right tube and clean up what remains from the left one. They will also close off the holes where the tubes connect to the uterus so that fluid will not continue to leak in and wash away my beautiful embryos. I asked her if I could go back to work the following day, but she suggested that I take the rest of the week off. I had to reschedule 5 photo sessions. I have no days off between now and the day before my surgery... so that was stressful. But I'm ready to tackle my busy season I guess.

The surgery is scheduled for April 3rd. John has to take the day off from work to be with me. We met the anesthesiologist and he explained his process. He was also very nice and spoke English very well. I guess that's that. Hoping nothing else goes wrong when they get in there... We really want more babies!!!!!